After Burn

This is my first at home alone NYE in a while. But I spent many NYE like this through my twenties. Back before streaming & binge-watching was ubiquitous like it is now I often binged some movies and tv shows. One year I watched the entire series of Simon Pegg’s “Spaced”, another year it was the first season of “True Blood”, and then the first season of “The United States of Tara”. Of course in those days I was getting plastered as well, something I am not doing tonight. I think back to a few New Year’s parties I attended in my twenties, never with a date, and often retreading to a bathroom to miss the countdown because I didn’t want to stand there toasting alone and not kissing anyone sticking out like a sore thumb. Jesus Christ it was pathetic. Is that going to be my future again? And if you go back even further to that most memorable of New Year’s Eve when 1999 became 2000 I actually didn’t stay up long enough for it. I missed ringing the year 2000. I was seventeen, a senior ...

 "Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come- Whispering ‘It will be happier’ " -  Alfred Lord Tennyson

I finally saw “Rogue One” yesterday. Will probably take a few days (and maybe another viewing) to process my feelings on it wholly but for time being I am left realizing this is what my life has become. That I can’t make it through a new Star Wars movie without a few crying spells. I cried tears of joy the moment the music hit and the opening crawl started during “The Force Awakens” and then cried a few subsequent times throughout the movie. The tears today while watching “Rogue One” were more somber overall for he obvious reasons and for more personal reasons as my life has taken a sharp decline in the year that passed between the release of these movies. But there is another Star Wars movie coming next December. I don’t know what Episode XIII has in store for us but maybe there will once again be tears of joy mixed in with the tears of sadness. Hope.

Only got about 3 hours of sleep last night before having to get up and head over to a neighbor’s for yet another Christmas get together. These neighbors are more like family. My friend Chris and his wife just had a baby boy a few weeks ago, so had to meet the baby. They have a 6 year-old and a 2 year-old, and Chris’ sister has a 6 year-old and a 3 year-old. And their parents have a bunch of energetic friendly dogs. Suffice to say I am wiped out after the running around, wrestling, playing fetch, playing wiffle ball and pushing on swings.  Now my parents are about to have some friends over, a couple they’ve been friends with since long before I was born. I like them well enough and have spent many a holiday with them, but I’m just not in the mood for even more 3rd or 5th wheel activity. I can’t take anymore pity laden “How are you?” or “Are you doing OK?” queries. Even I am honest and tell ‘em I’m not okay I just get the pap response of “You just gotta move on..” w...

1st Christmas post-divorce was at best okay. It certainly could’ve been worse, but it was quiet and simple enough. I wore myself out playing with an energetic 8 & 6 year-old on a trampoline. Realized while my stamina is better than I thought it was, I’m still terrible out of shape. Watched the 2016 remake of “The Magnificent Seven” which was serviceable and entertaining. Not much really dampened the sadness though. I love my family, but I do not feel at home with them.

It’s kind of amazing that I have been able to stop using recreational drugs, quit smoking cigarettes, stopped drinking alcohol, and a number of other things I did in my youth that were dangerous. I had a motorcycle in my mid-20s. I used go cliff diving regularly. Used to have casual sex with people I barely knew. I’ve been able to curtail those behaviors for years, often without any relapse or backsliding. And yet no matter how many times I try to I can not stop eating fucking cheese. I was diagnosed lactose intolerant when I was eight years-old, so I’ve spent the super majority of my life knowing that I shouldn’t eat cheese, that the reason I so often feel sickly is because of not excluding dairy completely from my diet, that when I have in fact pulled that trick off for short periods of time I have felt so much better; all of that empirical & personal evidence and I still can not fucking stay off cheese. I can and mostly do stay away from other forms of dairy, but cheese is m...

I know nothing magical is going to happen to once 2016 is over and we are living in 2017. But it doesn’t stop me from wishing the next nine days would go by in a blink of an eye. Fuck this holiday season. Unless you actually are having or are planning on having a happy Christmas and New Year. In which case good on you. There is still laughter and love and celebration aplenty. I don’t deny that. I usually love this season. I’m not going to begrudge anyone else for having joy simply because I do not. I’m an asshole, but I’m not a fucking asshole. I'm just dealing with a case humbugness due to my entire life being in constant chaos and aimlessness. I hate the minutia of the Holiday season arguing and stressing over the many things that the season brings which don't actually matter that much. The feelings of obligation and pressure and unworthiness. The internalized anger and disappointment. Normally I can put up with it, but not in a year in which I won't be spending Chris...

“CrazyHead” on Netflix is crazy good. Highly highly recommend. It’s only six episodes for season one, you can binge in one long night. They better get cracking on Season 2 pronto. I started “The Leftovers” on HBO last night. Heavy shit. Weird shit. But fascinating shit. Been house cleaning and watching it all day. Gonna finish up the second and most recent season tonight. Tomorrow one of my mom’s cousin and husband are getting in town for a short visit. It’s my mom’s family from Kentucky on my grandfather’s side. I don’t have much connection to experience with that side of the family. Haven’t met this particular cousin since I was about ten years-old, which I don’t even remember. And considering I hate my grandfather, who died 21 years ago and was a piece of shit, I’ve never cared about keeping in touch or reaching out to any of the family I am connected to through him. But my mom says they are good people and she goes back to Kentucky frequently. Her cousin is supposedly a die-h...

Other than just being sad to very sad most of the time I also seem to be in a nearly permanent pissy mood and I don’t like it. I just want to be happy and not bothered by everything or whatever the closest proximation to that is. I have a job interview scheduled for next week for a position that I am very much unqualified for but I am trying to not be freaked out or nervous about it. I am trying to convince myself that I have nothing to lose from this. If they don’t hire me no big deal I wasn’t qualified anyway. If they do hire me I’ll be super anxious about how I will succeed but what’s the worst that could happen? I’ll get fired or quit if it doesn’t work out and move on. Moving on is scary and I’ve been having a lot of difficulty spurring myself on, but it is even more scary and miserable to just continue to be stuck like I am.

I have never seen the live-action film version of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” starring Jim Carrey and directed by Ron Howard and have no particular desire to see it. I will likely not purchase one single present or gift for Christmas this year. I had purchased one Christmas gift earlier this year, which was intended for my then still wife, but I don’t plan on giving it to her and will likely just re-sale it at some point. The last time I didn’t buy or give at least one Christmas present was probably over twenty years ago. I’ve always enjoyed giving more than receiving. And this Christmas, which will be depressing on many fronts, is going to be even worse since I can’t give anything but will likely receive a few presents. Have not curated a Christmas playlist on Spotify yet this year, and don’t think I’ll get around to it. I will still have plenty of exposure to Christmas music, which I love, but don’t have the energy or heart to make my own specific playlist. I used to make an...

One thing I sure miss about being married was the talking. Deep stuff, day to day stuff, goofy stuff, bitchy stuff, the just talking an idea out loud stuff. And the listening too. The days when you don’t have much to say at first but hearing the person you love talk about something spurs you on to say something you didn’t think you needed or wanted to say. And no it isn’t always perfect or smooth. And sometimes you make the mistake of not talking. But I miss it. I miss hearing about her day. About what is going on at her work. With her family. Her friends. I miss going on long tangents and rants about things I am enthusiastic about even if she doesn't fully understand what I am talking about. I'm not talking to her or anyone outside of this blog right now. I have always had trouble with talking. I know I didn't talk enough. She needed more from me and I wanted to give more. I know that I failed, but I also know that I would have never stopped trying. And I believe ...

I went to a funeral this morning. Graveyard service in the cold & rain that was thankfully brief. Myrna had been a friend of the family since before I was born. She owned and operated the local general store for the last 25 years and her late husband once owned a business with my late grandfather. My brother and I grew up friendly with two of her grandsons that lived in our neighborhood and were our age. She was always kind and generous, but had been in declining health in recent years so I can’t actually remember the last time I saw or spoke to her. It appears that the store will be shut down, possibly sold off, as there are issues with dividing up hers and her late husband’s estate among the many remaining family members. I am unaware of the complex nature of the details pertaining to their situation, but it will be shame to lose the store. Many of the independent “mom & pop” stores in this area have started closing after being open for decades due to the influx of Dollar G...

I am now officially divorced. How is your day going?

I hate the ubiquity of “A Christmas Story”. If I ever enjoyed the movie it has long since been burned out by its mind-numbing overexposure. I greatly enjoy the film “Jerry Maguire” but don’t agree with the popular romantic sentiment of “You complete me” that has become synonymous with the film. I think I am a complete, flawed, and worthy person. But I do believe very much in the power of love, romantic love. There is another line from “Jerry Maguire” that I can identify with immensely - “I miss my wife.” Of course I won’t get a happy ending with hand holding and Bob Dylan’s “Shelter from the Storm” playing. I will be officially divorced at some point this coming Monday. Best case scenario is that she texts me after it is final. I’m not holding my breath for a phone call. Of course I might not hear anything from her at all based on how non-existent communication has been lately. There are only 36 days left in this horrendous year.

Two anxiety ridden nightmares Book-ending one wonderful sensual happy dream sandwiched in between. And when I woke up I quickly realized that neither of the circumstances in either nightmare is ever likely to happen in real life, but the happy dream is something that could possibly happen. But it won’t. And so now the happy dream becomes the am instrument of torment during the waking hours.

I never have as strong Déjà vu as when I really hate my life. And I am having very strong Déjà vu tonight. It doesn’t feel so much like I am an adult child living with my parents again because I am down on my luck trying to get back on my feet as it feels like I am being punished for something and am stuck being a third wheel in my parents’ shitty marriage while trying to come to accept and mourn and move on from my own recent failed marriage that wasn’t even 1/100th as dysfunctional as my parents’ is. The past six months have been tough and the next three or four will also be, but hopefully working this job with long and odd hours and gaining some financial independence will give me a base to work up from. I just need to get out of my head and stop trying to fix problems that will never be fixed, or get resolution to things that will never get resolved. And I most definitely need to stop thinking that things are just going to start getting better because they’ve been go bad for so...

I’m sure at some point during this election I thought to myself “It’ll be a cold day in Hell before Donald Trump gets elected President of the U.S.”. Well my day to day life for most of 2016 has been a waking Hell. And it was cold yesterday. 2003, 2004, 2007, 2010, 2011. Those were the most trying and painful and traumatic years of my adult life. I made it through them all. I don’t have a lot of faith right now that I will be able to say the same about 2016. I essentially quit drinking in August 2013. Only occasionally drinking in certain social situations and drinking very lightly even then. I have not had a sip of Bourbon since the Kentucky Derby in 2015 when my then fiance and myself made Juleps to watch the race. I have had plenty of reasons to drink since then but haven’t so far. Since that time I’ve had cousin I was very close to killed in a motorcycle crash. I’ve had my wife start (and soon to be complete) divorce proceedings. I’ve been out of work since the first week of ...

I don’t fault anyone trying to soften the blow but let’s not skip over the cold hard facts. America’s first non-White President is being followed by a man who spent 8 years crusading against that very same President based on a blatantly racist lie. A man who was endorsed by the KKK. That does not happen by accident. We have a President-elect who is a shallow, aggressively misogynistic, serial cheater & admitted abuser, that has openly lusted after his own daughter. We have a Vice President-elect that has gone beyond rhetoric and actually actively legislated his hatred of Women, Homosexuals, and Transgendered. I am a political junkie. During the Bush/Cheney years I never missed a speech or event. No matter how angry or frustrated or outraged I was at them about what happening in our country I remained engaged and alert. I just stopped the watching the election coverage because Trump took the stage. I can not do this for four years. I just can’t.

I have a tendency to get fatalistic. The way this year has been going for me it’s not surprising. And the hits just keep on coming. My laptop died on Friday after a few weeks of issues that I was trying my best to fix on my own. Tuesday is the earliest I can get it to a friend to run a professional diagnostic.  I hope there is at least a way to save most of what is on the hard drive, even if the machine is kaput. It’s just a cheap Acer laptop I picked up 6 years ago that was supposed to be just a short term in-betweener while I saved up to get another MacBook. I’ve gotten a lot of use out of it, but I can not afford to get anything new except another similarly cheap & simple PC laptop.  I’m also having a lot of trouble with my phone, but my free upgrade is coming in January so fingers crossed it can last until then.  My vehicle has had a barrage of minor issues that affect convenience & reliability for a while, but now in the last few weeks I’ve starte...

"Most adult children of toxic parents grow up feeling tremendous confusion about what love means and how it’s supposed to feel. Their parents did extremely unloving things to them in the name of love. They came to understand love as something chaotic, dramatic, confusing, and often painful—something they had to give up their own dreams and desires for. Obviously, that’s not what love is all about. Loving behavior doesn’t grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn’t hurt, it feels good. Loving behavior nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued, and respected. Genuine love creates feelings of warmth, pleasure, safety, stability, and inner peace." — Susan Forward, Toxic Parents , p381 I found someone who became an escape valve for me from this kind of toxic behavior, but I was too broken to fully escape. I am left wondering if I will ever find a way to not be so broke...

I got a notice in the mail yesterday that the court date for the final decree of my divorce is set for November 28th. She told me she would let me know when she set the court date, but clearly that didn’t happen. I am just so..I don’t even know the appropriate words. I just can’t wrap my head around how or why it came to this so quickly. My cousin Jennifer is not even a full three years older than me but as of today she is the mother of a 20 year-old. She has eight children in total ranging from the oldest being that newly minted 20 year-old to the youngest born in just late February of this year. Our last family, a 5 year-old cat named Lucky, has been missing for just over 24 hours now. He is both an indoors and outdoors cat, but he is never out of sight for this long as he comes in to eat and sleep often. And he doesn’t stray too far from the house when he is outside because he is a ‘fraidy cat. An exhaustive search this morning and periodically through the day has not given any ...

My mom was bitching about something I posted on Instagram. For a moment I considered blocking her, but then I just decided to delete the app from my phone. Just the app, not my account. So my selfies will be have to be unfiltered/edited trash for the time being. Also deleted the damned Facebook app as well. I’m always teetering on the edge of having no memory on my phone. Hope I can keep away from both of those for a while. Feeling very bad today. Wanted to get out of the house, but had nowhere to go and nothing to do. Tomorrow I will be stuck with family at an event for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I wish I cared more about it and had the energy or desire to be more involved. I’ve been a few times, but not in the last few years. It can be overwhelming. So many sad stories. I didn’t raise any money for the cause. I don’t need to be made anymore aware of the epidemic of suicide and mental illness in this country and world. I live it everyday. I just wish all thing...

I feel guilty when I bitch and moan about not having a good support system. It’s not necessarily a complete indictment on my friends and family because I’m equally culpable in the reasons why my support system is flawed at best. My parents have a deeply dysfunctional co-dependent marriage. My relationship with them is unhealthy and it is essentially ground zero for why I don’t have the strong & healthy supplemental relationships with my other family and friends. I recognize and have a desire to address & mend the flaws in my relationship with my parents, but I myself am not healthy or strong enough on my own to take on this tough task. I lost my younger (and only) brother 13 years ago when he died. I lost my wife (and the person which I had been most intimate with in my life) earlier this year when she decided to divorce me. I deeply struggle with not having either of them in my life as my main support system currently. And for reasons mentioned earlier I don’t have anyo...

this fucking late night insomniac heartbroken unemployed divorcee with mental illness and no health insurance or much support from friends and family outside of being ignored and told to move on is so trite and exhausting and boring and why can't I just figure out how to fix just one single thing in my crappy life can one motherfucking thing be okay does it all have to be shitty and yeah I know there is an overflow of shittiness in the word I don't mean to trivialize the pain and suffering of millions who have it far worse than I do but I am only one person with one life to live and I pray and try to be a good person but I always fail and fall and I'm trying to be okay because I can't help anyone else or do anything to make the world less shitty until I am okay myself

Feeling very despondent today. Saturday nights and Sunday mornings just aren't the same anymore. I miss the routine, which was not always that routine. I miss the feeling of home. I miss watching her work. I miss the Church. I miss the people. I miss the places. I miss the feeling of home. Had to be said twice. This is not my home. This is not my church. I will go through the motions of a life I once led, but it takes far more out of me than ever before without giving anything back to me. I am trying to pour from an empty cup. I miss my cup being full. How could she ever think it wasn't full? Anxiety, as bad as it is, at the very least doesn't let you forget about that you are alive and you care. Today the sadness I feel is calm. Too calm. I don't know what to do, except to plead for reconsideration. But that is pathetic, likely fruitless, and would cause her more undue harm that I don't wish to inflict on her. I will pray on it. Lord hear my prayer.

I was too stupid to even realize that a big reason why I’ve been so panicky and fucked up today is because today marks 6 months since St. Patrick’s Day AKA the day my wife told me she wanted a divorce at the end of our couples counseling session that day. Holy fucking Hell has my life completely fallen apart in these past six months. I had just quit my job at the beginning of March, with her support. I had just opened up in therapy and to her separately about a major abusive and traumatic event from my childhood. I was doing the hard work. Working on myself. Working on us. She seemed to remain mostly unmoved by whatever I was doing. Distant. Even pushing me away. Angry when our counselor didn’t understand her point of view or agree with it. Maybe it shouldn’t have been such a surprise to me. But it was. It still is six months later. I still can not fucking believe it.  

In case you were wondering being a broke, unemployed, mentally ill, 34 year-old unhappy recent divorcee living with your parents that are always home and have a terrible marriage is a constant fucking nightmare.

Tough day on set. Had to take a lot of shit. Multiple inappropriate outbursts directed at me. Unprofessional and uncalled. for. Most everyone who snapped at me has apologized, or others tried to apologize and excuse their behavior worried I might walk. I very nearly did a few times. Also nearly punched someone. No idea how this crew and production team work like this. We’re understaffed and short on time to finish, okay. Tempers are short and I tend not to take it personal, but don’t question my work ethic. Doing the jobs of three people for a pittance and with my already precarious metal health state is tricky. Angry cried on my drove home. One more fucking day. And then on Sunday I can rest. Then on Monday I have to start push week for a stage production of Harvey I am appearing in and woefully unprepared. Wish I could have given this role and play more of my time. I'm sure it'll turn out fine. Just another level of chaos for the time being. I have to pay some overdue b...

:(

I was just forced into putting a good friend into a tough spot by another friend who I am starting to believe that I don’t need to work with anymore. This all fucking sucks so much. Can’t wait for this job to be over with. I need to trust my instincts more. I’m jumping at anything and everything to distract me, to keep me busy, to keep me moving forward. Because that is what everyone keeps telling me to do. Don’t just sit and suffer. But I’m not finding peace or purpose. I keep throwing myself into more chaos and uncertainty. I need to reset and refocus. I need to calm my mind and body. I need figure out some things before I can move ahead on a new path. I’m not saying it’s good for me to be stuck. It’s not being stuck. It’s just a pause, not a stop

So much drama on the set today, awkward as fuck. I’m mostly sticking to cool confines of my car out of the way of it all until I am called to do something. I missed out on a lot of shit going down yesterday after the day’s shooting schedule - all exteriors with vehicles - got canceled because of rain and storms. One of the producers tried to fire the First Assistant Director, but then most of the crew was going to bail if he got the boot, so instead the producer left the set and won’t be returning. Some of the actors had apparently had complained about the 1st AD. To his credit he has been much nicer and calmer on set today, probably not wanting to tempt fate twice. Jeanine Turner (Maggie from “Northern Exposure”) is on set for her first scenes today. First time we crossed paths she made eye contact and smiled, stopped and introduced herself. I was struck by thin she was and older - I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, it’s just that as she looks now she bears a striking and r...

I’m typing this from my phone. While taking a seat and giving my very tired feet a rest. Filming has just begun. We’re shooting tonight in this old dive restaurant that I am very familiar with. For a large portion of my childhood my family came here to eat nearly every single Sunday after church. The food is not particularly good, but I do remember being adventurous once at age 10 when I tried fried oysters for the first time. I liked them and that became my regular.
I’m not supposed to have a lot of specific work to do tonight, just need to stick close by incase something comes up. The last two days and nights have been so exhausting, finishing up and 3AM and 2AM. I was back up this morning on very little sleep and still battling nasty allergies with a long to-do list trying to tackle it quickly in the morning so I could take a midday break at home before another shoot into the wee hours. Working with a friend, or rather working for a friend on this film has been a learning exper...

Been on set & on location since 9:30 AM. Probably going to finding up tonight between 2 & 3 AM. Still have lots of prep work to do at home tonight or early tomorrow. But I also have to go home tonight and scan my tax return info from 2014 & 2015, so I can email it to my “I am still not sure if she is my technically ex” wife to pass onto the CPA that is taking care of our joint return before the October extension deadline. My sinuses & allergies are still terrible. But I’m so physically and mentally exhausted at this point that delirium has set in. I actually wish I could feel this way more often; all floaty and disconnected. If I get at least four hours of sleep at some point before having to be back on location and on set again tomorrow that would be marvelous. The next 48 hours are going be an onslaught. I’m working way too hard - physically, emotionally, and mentally - for not nearly enough pay. Although the money is desperately needed. So I just hope there is ...

Today was my day off after first week working on the movie. I was completely unproductive. Feels kind of like a waste. Won’t get another day off until next Sunday & Monday. Gonna be a long and busy week ahead. Yesterday I was struggling mentally & emotionally. Teetered on the edge of the breakdown. Hope I can make it through this week. Hope I can get a little bit of sleep tonight. Hope I can finally start getting my life back on track soon.

Have actually done a decent job of getting to bed early, sleeping enough, and waking up on time the last few days since starting my job working on the film. Tomorrow is the first day of filming. It is going to be a light day for my department, but I still have a lot of work to do and things I could be doing to put myself ahead of schedule, and yet I am wide awake when I should already been asleep. And my mind is stuck on something that happened on Tuesday that perfectly illustrates why I feel I am right about something my wife argued about with me while we were in marriage counseling. She would suggest some small nugget of unhappiness or frustration or anxiety I had about our relationship and then if I confirmed it, which I did because I thought therapy was a safe place where we were supposed to be able to be open about those things, she would proceed to exaggerate it as being something that was completely unsolvable and would be a permanent source of pain forever. And there was no ...

First day working on the movie went pretty well. Was a light day, as shooting doesn’t start until Thursday but still exhausting. Good exhausting. I think. Learning a lot of this on the fly. Just hoping not to disappoint. Country music star Deana Carter is in the cast and will be performing in the film. There is also a former contestant on American Idol and a young woman that was featured on a TV series called Dance Moms. I have no clue about either of those. Haven’t met any of the cast, but the rest of the crew and producers all seem very nice and professional. I got a copy of the script and need to read it ASAP so I can make notes before the next production meeting tomorrow. The budget is tight, so I am making due with begging & borrowing (but not stealing, gosh what kind of person do you think I am?) as much as I can.

I got hired to be a props master and art department assistant for a religious indie film shooting in my neck of the woods. Start tomorrow morning. Gig runs through 9/10. Should be a crazy hectic schedule, as I am also just starting rehearsals for a stage production of “Harvey” which opens on 9/16. Thankfully I have a small role and already have most of my lines down. Will just have to squeeze some rehearsals whenever I can. This is all good news, for sure. But of course I’m a bit nervous. Haven’t worked on a proper film set in a professional (AKA paid) capacity in well over a decade. The producer I met tonight when I signed my contract seemed really down to earth. I’ll be working closely with someone I know well, but who is much younger than me and is taking on a lot of responsibility for this film, which is his first. I hope I can be an asset to him and we can grind this out with flying colors. I fear that all the other shit I’ve got going on in my life and in my head might get me tri...

Very bad dreams again last night and spotty sleep. Body just feels wore down. Spirit feels even more worn down. Have a rough day ahead of me. Going to a birthday lunch for my godfather. Will be seeing him and my godmother for the first time since my divorce. Don’t know what to say when I’m asked how I’m doing, but don’t want to lie. This evening there is a memorial placement for my cousin Natalie, which is also going to be very draining but I can’t not go. Of course I keep thinking to myself “This would be so much easier with her by my side, supporting me.” But she doesn’t want to be by my side or with me at all. Why can’t I just accept that? 

Got very little sleep last night. Hard to get comfortable in an unfamiliar place. I'm house and pet sitting for the weekend. My family friends have lived here for over twenty years but I haven’t spent much time here in a while and certainly haven’t stayed over the night since I was probably high school aged. The puppy didn’t make a peep overnight, but whimpering early so we’ve gone out to potty and played some and ate breakfast before going back into the kennel. I spent the rest of the morning exhausted but knowing I shouldn't go back to sleep, just vegging on the couch fighting back the tears because even during my short slumber I had disturbing dreams magnifying my biggest fears, pains, and anxieties. I have been a life long sufferer of insomnia and nightmares, but I have never felt this heartsick and hopeless before. I can’t cling onto any other feelings for more than a fleeting moment. Afternoon brought me some possibly good news, as it looks like I have secured tempor...

Tired of being tired. Tired of being sick. Tired of lonely. Tired of being heartbroken. Tired of trying to be strong. Tired of a restless mind. Tired of nightmares. Tired of arguing with myself. Tired of letting days waste away. Tired of waiting. Tired of hoping. Tired of thinking. Tired of crying. Tired of making bad decisions. Tired of being a disappointment. Tired of not knowing what to do. Tired of platitudes. Tired of being dismissed. Tired of feeling like an afterthought. Tired of feeling less than. Tired of being less than. Tired of it all.

That awkward moment when you can’t tell if you are just being oversensitive because of all you are going through or if your loved ones are actually just being shitty. Also why does autocorrect think “at” and “err” are the only options for when you accidentally type “ar” instead of “are”? But back to my first point it doesn’t even matter because it’s all shitty.

Super depressing to be going through all of your stuff again to find things to sell or purge. This is probably the third or fourth time I’ve done it since separating back in early May and moving back in with my parents. It’s depressing for several reasons. You wish you didn’t have to get rid of stuff just because it reminds you of her. You get angry that all you have left is stuff, when you don’t even care about stuff that much. You get angry because she has a house full of wedding gifts that complete her happy little home. You get angry because it’s not your home anymore. You know you aren’t going to make much money from selling stuff, at least not enough money to make it feel like it’s worth the trouble. But you need every penny that you can scrounge up because bills & taxes & debts are still there and living cost money. You get upset with yourself at having already given away lots of nice clothing that you might have been able to sell. You get upset over and over again at th...

A JOB - Been out of work since the beginning of March. Lots of chaos in my personal life since then has made it even more difficult than normal to find new employment. I'm at breaking point. Everything else on this list would be made more attainable after securing a job and the income & purpose it provides. MENTAL HEALTH ACCESS - I can't afford meds or counseling right now and have not had any success in finding aid through local community resources. A BREAK FROM MY OWN MIND - Not a fun place to be living in these days. Again work and mental health treatment would each provide some relief. Can't get out of my head long enough to enjoy music, movies, tv shows, sports, reading.  A LONG AND HARD (AND RAW) IN PERSON TALK WITH MY SOON TO BE EX-WIFE - It would go a long way to helping with whatever eventual closure I might be able to reach. Right now we are not talking or communicating at all. I don't even know when she plans on going to court to finalize the...

not mine, credit to Connie Winchester

I am not an insomniac. I am just preparing to watch the Perseid Meteor shower. It's not a lie. The optics of being a depressed, sleep-deprived, and unemployed are not good so I am simply pivoting my skill set to a more suitable social function. That of a stargazer. Can I put "optimization of modern buzzword terminology" on my resume? Do you need a telescope to see the meteor shower? Does following NASA on Instagram count?

I’ll probably doze off at about 9am once the rest of the world is up and going. But I know my body won’t let me sleep past noon. I’ll be groggy and cranky the rest of the day. Probably take a nap at 7pm for half an hour or so then be up again for most of the night. It’s a vicious cycle that seems inevitable no matter what I try to do. That leaves me scrambling on Friday to do something that makes the week feel like it wasn’t wasted. Make another promise to myself that next week I’ll do something. Next week I’ll make a change. Take a step forward...it’s just right around the corner.

I wonder if when she told me that she was unhappy, as she did on several occasions starting about a year ago this time, if she was as unhappy then as I am now. Some days are terrible. And those are the good days. They are not without their moments of levity, but in the end still plain terrible. The bad days distinguish themselves with more anxiety than numbness, more hopelessness than helplessness. The worst days can't even be encapsulated with words. I truly don't knew how many more of those I have left in me.

I got out of the house today. Didn’t go anywhere in particular or see anyone or do anything of note. Just drove around Austin. Occasionally stopped and walked around. People watched. Tried to get out of my head. Didn’t work much. At least I was away from my parents and the suffocating sameness of being back home with them. They have 9.5 acres of land but the house is not very big and between my dad being semi-retired, my mom working from home, and me not having anywhere to go and anything do right now it gets very claustrophobic and overwhelming. They fight like an old married couple and not in a cute way. I have no space. No privacy. No quiet. Didn’t take but a few minutes after I got back home for them to start getting on my nerves. I need to find a job. I need to find a place to live that I can afford. I need to find a therapist that I can afford. I need to find new friends and renew my relationship with existing friends, if there is anything to be salvaged. I probably need to do al...

One reason why death doesn’t even feel like it would change anything is because you know if you died tomorrow there would be people who would show up at your funeral that couldn’t be bothered to show up while you were still alive.

The way my dreams torment me. Even when I am at my most angry and raw, but catharsis is not reached because I retreat into just wanting to be happy and whole again with her. As if a magic wand could wave over me and put everything back into place. I never believed in magic. I believed in us. I believed in the hard work and patience and time that were to be required of us. I believed it was and would continue to be worth it. I believed that our good times would always outweigh the bad. I believed that I was becoming the best version of myself, even if it were a work in progress. Even if it look so far away at times. I saw believed in the past tense, which is not true. I still believe. Present tense. And that is perhaps my biggest problem.

Sometimes a manic episode of insomnia means you spend hours calculating and counting up things in your life. Such as I now know that I have since the age of 18 (2000 - present) seen on average 18.2 films in theaters a year, counting only films released during that calendar year and were among the top 200 grossing films of said year per BoxOfficeMojo.com* and not counting repeat viewings of the same film. My peak movie going years were between 2004 & 2008. Reaching a high of 40 films in 2005. My least attended film going year was 2010. That year I only saw the dreadful “A Nightmare on Elm Street” remake in theaters. I went to see it around the time of my birthday in early April, but paid for my admission with a gift card I had received the previous Christmas. I had suddenly and without much thought quit my job of 7 years only a few weeks prior and was already being frugal. I didn’t see another film in the theater until May 2011 when I saw both “Thor” and “Bridesmaids” on the same ...

I found what I love And I let it destroy me What now, Bukowski?

My mom referred to me as a “young bachelor” today, which I laughed at, and she changed it to “young divorcee”. I had to remind her that I will always be young to her, but I’m not young anymore. I’m 34 years old. I’m neither a bachelor or divorcee, at least not in spirit. My parents had been married a decade and had two kids by the time they were my age. If I got someone pregnant tonight, I’d become a father around May 2017. That child would not graduate from high school until probably 2035, at which point I would be 53 years old. Not crazy numbers, but also not happening. Last December my new wife and I talked about our plans for trying to start a family and we decided the earliest we would try would be December 2016. Gave ourselves a year to plan and save and grow. Little did I know 3 ½ months later she would toss in towel on it all. When I spoke in marriage counseling about my worries and anxieties over becoming a father she twisted it into a declaration that I didn’t want to h...

****15 YEARS AGO (2001)**** 1) How old were you? 19 2) Who were you dating? Most of the summer I dated a girl that was 17, going into her Senior Year of High School. She drove a really cool Ford Mustang and had great taste in music.  3) Where did you work? I worked for a two different local newspapers covering local news events and mostly sports as a stringer (freelance writer). I also had a publicity internship with a community theatre and did a pretty bang up job of organizing an annual heritage & arts festival which had been brought back after a year off and the infrastructure (i.e. money, vendors, volunteers, locations) had changed immensely. I was somehow much more accomplished at 19 than I am now at 34. I even directed a Youth Theatre company that year, taking them to State Youth Theatre convention where they performed for over a 1,000.  4) Where did you live? Austin, TX 5) Where did you hang out? Socially I would often hang out in the Westgate area of South Austin,...