I got out of the house today. Didn’t go anywhere in particular or see anyone or do anything of note. Just drove around Austin. Occasionally stopped and walked around. People watched. Tried to get out of my head. Didn’t work much. At least I was away from my parents and the suffocating sameness of being back home with them. They have 9.5 acres of land but the house is not very big and between my dad being semi-retired, my mom working from home, and me not having anywhere to go and anything do right now it gets very claustrophobic and overwhelming. They fight like an old married couple and not in a cute way. I have no space. No privacy. No quiet. Didn’t take but a few minutes after I got back home for them to start getting on my nerves. I need to find a job. I need to find a place to live that I can afford. I need to find a therapist that I can afford. I need to find new friends and renew my relationship with existing friends, if there is anything to be salvaged. I probably need to do all of this somewhere else, but I am stuck here for now. I am stuck living in the shadow of a life I can’t bring myself to let go off, but which I will never get to finish living.
I just watched “Obvious Child” and my heart fucking hurts so much because it was so funny, beautiful, honest, tender. And it makes me hate my own life and situation a thousand times more tha I already do. I’m supposed to see her on Friday to sign the divorce papers and so she can give me back the rest of the my shit that I left behind in the house that we shared as our home. And when I say shit, I mean exactly that, just crap that I don’t need or want but she can’t stand to have any trace of me left hanging around and doesn’t have the decency to burn it or throw away on her own. Like she even has a photo of me that I had given to her and she wants to return it to me. What the fuck?! It’s for me to process the idea that she is capable of such cruelty. Is it not enough that I am giving her what she wants? Is it not enough that I am left with next to nothing? No job, a broke down car, living with my parents, an entire life and future dreamt of and hoped for dashed. Friends & fami...
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