Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Have actually done a decent job of getting to bed early, sleeping enough, and waking up on time the last few days since starting my job working on the film. Tomorrow is the first day of filming. It is going to be a light day for my department, but I still have a lot of work to do and things I could be doing to put myself ahead of schedule, and yet I am wide awake when I should already been asleep.
And my mind is stuck on something that happened on Tuesday that perfectly illustrates why I feel I am right about something my wife argued about with me while we were in marriage counseling.
She would suggest some small nugget of unhappiness or frustration or anxiety I had about our relationship and then if I confirmed it, which I did because I thought therapy was a safe place where we were supposed to be able to be open about those things, she would proceed to exaggerate it as being something that was completely unsolvable and would be a permanent source of pain forever. And there was no arguing or debating her on it. She was resolved.
That’s what felt like a manipulation to me. I went into our counseling with an open mind. It seems she went in with a purpose and a plan. And in the end I don’t even know what really happened.
I was tearing down the walls I had spent a lifetime putting up to protect me because I knew this was the person I wanted to be with forever, and I knew I was in danger of losing her. I had opened myself up and made myself as vulnerable as I have ever been with another person. I knew she was still struggling, but I didn’t think all hope was lost.
She encouraged me to quit my job, empowered me to make that decision for myself and for us. That took a lot of trust and faith. And then so suddenly, maybe two weeks later, she decided it was over.
The progress I thought we were making vanished. The trust evaporated. I was scared and depressed and confused and angry. She was resolved, not without remorse, but certainly unflinching. And she knew I wouldn’t go against what she wanted. I cared more about her own well being than my own, which of course is something hated. Another reason why we shouldn’t be together.
But she already knew that.
She knew I had self esteem and self worth issues long before we married. She knew I didn’t have the tools psychologically to defend myself, but was working on them via our counseling sessions. She knew I would process the anger and hurt inward on myself. Again, these are legitimate reasons for not being with someone. I’m hard to love. Hard to live with.
But she already knew that. Maybe she was lying to herself. Maybe she was pretending. And it all got to be too much. I don’t know. I wish I did. I wish I knew what the final nail in the coffin was. I wish I had known she had doubts about marrying me in the first place. I wish she had told me that she was so unsure about us that maybe I shouldn’t quit my job right then.
I will probably never get any answers to those questions. And perhaps it is a fruitless line of thinking but most of all I just want her to know that she is wrong about so much. Yeah she was right about plenty, as I’ve stated, including her many valid reasons for why being married to me was too hard for.
But she was wrong about me being unhappy with her and out relationship. She was wrong about me just accepting and living with that unhappiness because I’m naturally an unhappy person.
She was wrong about me wanting to be elsewhere. Back in the life I had when we first met. A life that was unfulfilling but I was trying to make the most of. How could I possibly want to return to that?
She was wrong about saying that I only tricked myself into thinking I was happy with her. She was wrong in assuming that because I had anxiety over becoming a parent that I didn’t also still dream, and pray, and hope, and look forward excitedly to the day we would become parents.
She was wrong about me not being able to plan for my and our future together more clearly and more responsibly. And now she has taken away any chance of me being able to prove that.
Maybe she doesn’t actually believe all that I stated above. Maybe she wants to believe those things to help lessen her own guilt and pain. We rationalize to protect ourselves everyday.
I still believe that all of this is forgivable and fixable and worth more than just throwing away after less than a year of marriage. Maybe I’m just delusional, stubborn, and stupid.
I want to know why if our getting married was such a mistake, and I was just fooling myself into thinking I was happy, then why I am so fucking miserable right now? Why am I am not ready to move on? Why I am still obsessed over a relationship that has been torn to shreds?
Why can’t I sleep at night? Why can’t my dreams stop torturing me? Why am I still fighting for this when my whole life I’ve done the opposite and been all too quick to move on?
And my mind is stuck on something that happened on Tuesday that perfectly illustrates why I feel I am right about something my wife argued about with me while we were in marriage counseling.
She would suggest some small nugget of unhappiness or frustration or anxiety I had about our relationship and then if I confirmed it, which I did because I thought therapy was a safe place where we were supposed to be able to be open about those things, she would proceed to exaggerate it as being something that was completely unsolvable and would be a permanent source of pain forever. And there was no arguing or debating her on it. She was resolved.
That’s what felt like a manipulation to me. I went into our counseling with an open mind. It seems she went in with a purpose and a plan. And in the end I don’t even know what really happened.
I was tearing down the walls I had spent a lifetime putting up to protect me because I knew this was the person I wanted to be with forever, and I knew I was in danger of losing her. I had opened myself up and made myself as vulnerable as I have ever been with another person. I knew she was still struggling, but I didn’t think all hope was lost.
She encouraged me to quit my job, empowered me to make that decision for myself and for us. That took a lot of trust and faith. And then so suddenly, maybe two weeks later, she decided it was over.
The progress I thought we were making vanished. The trust evaporated. I was scared and depressed and confused and angry. She was resolved, not without remorse, but certainly unflinching. And she knew I wouldn’t go against what she wanted. I cared more about her own well being than my own, which of course is something hated. Another reason why we shouldn’t be together.
But she already knew that.
She knew I had self esteem and self worth issues long before we married. She knew I didn’t have the tools psychologically to defend myself, but was working on them via our counseling sessions. She knew I would process the anger and hurt inward on myself. Again, these are legitimate reasons for not being with someone. I’m hard to love. Hard to live with.
But she already knew that. Maybe she was lying to herself. Maybe she was pretending. And it all got to be too much. I don’t know. I wish I did. I wish I knew what the final nail in the coffin was. I wish I had known she had doubts about marrying me in the first place. I wish she had told me that she was so unsure about us that maybe I shouldn’t quit my job right then.
I will probably never get any answers to those questions. And perhaps it is a fruitless line of thinking but most of all I just want her to know that she is wrong about so much. Yeah she was right about plenty, as I’ve stated, including her many valid reasons for why being married to me was too hard for.
But she was wrong about me being unhappy with her and out relationship. She was wrong about me just accepting and living with that unhappiness because I’m naturally an unhappy person.
She was wrong about me wanting to be elsewhere. Back in the life I had when we first met. A life that was unfulfilling but I was trying to make the most of. How could I possibly want to return to that?
She was wrong about saying that I only tricked myself into thinking I was happy with her. She was wrong in assuming that because I had anxiety over becoming a parent that I didn’t also still dream, and pray, and hope, and look forward excitedly to the day we would become parents.
She was wrong about me not being able to plan for my and our future together more clearly and more responsibly. And now she has taken away any chance of me being able to prove that.
Maybe she doesn’t actually believe all that I stated above. Maybe she wants to believe those things to help lessen her own guilt and pain. We rationalize to protect ourselves everyday.
I still believe that all of this is forgivable and fixable and worth more than just throwing away after less than a year of marriage. Maybe I’m just delusional, stubborn, and stupid.
I want to know why if our getting married was such a mistake, and I was just fooling myself into thinking I was happy, then why I am so fucking miserable right now? Why am I am not ready to move on? Why I am still obsessed over a relationship that has been torn to shreds?
Why can’t I sleep at night? Why can’t my dreams stop torturing me? Why am I still fighting for this when my whole life I’ve done the opposite and been all too quick to move on?
Comments
Post a Comment