I just watched “Obvious Child” and my heart fucking hurts so much because it was so funny, beautiful, honest, tender. And it makes me hate my own life and situation a thousand times more tha I already do.
I’m supposed to see her on Friday to sign the divorce papers and so she can give me back the rest of the my shit that I left behind in the house that we shared as our home. And when I say shit, I mean exactly that, just crap that I don’t need or want but she can’t stand to have any trace of me left hanging around and doesn’t have the decency to burn it or throw away on her own.
Like she even has a photo of me that I had given to her and she wants to return it to me. What the fuck?! It’s for me to process the idea that she is capable of such cruelty.
Is it not enough that I am giving her what she wants? Is it not enough that I am left with next to nothing? No job, a broke down car, living with my parents, an entire life and future dreamt of and hoped for dashed. Friends & family, a spiritual community, and even two kitties all gone just like that.
Meanwhile she carries on with her life seemingly unaffected, and not even phased by any impact or influence my life and world might have had on her. She isn’t going to get asked about me. And she isn’t going to encounter people who might want to turn a cold shoulder to her out of loyalty to me, as I have already experienced.
The worst part is knowing that even with all this pain and turmoil I still want to reconcile. Want to work, really work through all of it, because none of this is permanent and none of this is unforgivable.
I know more about weakness and low points than most. I have given up many times on people and relationships. I can’t give up on this because it’s not like anything else.
I am not hopeless, but I may be helpless.
I’m supposed to see her on Friday to sign the divorce papers and so she can give me back the rest of the my shit that I left behind in the house that we shared as our home. And when I say shit, I mean exactly that, just crap that I don’t need or want but she can’t stand to have any trace of me left hanging around and doesn’t have the decency to burn it or throw away on her own.
Like she even has a photo of me that I had given to her and she wants to return it to me. What the fuck?! It’s for me to process the idea that she is capable of such cruelty.
Is it not enough that I am giving her what she wants? Is it not enough that I am left with next to nothing? No job, a broke down car, living with my parents, an entire life and future dreamt of and hoped for dashed. Friends & family, a spiritual community, and even two kitties all gone just like that.
Meanwhile she carries on with her life seemingly unaffected, and not even phased by any impact or influence my life and world might have had on her. She isn’t going to get asked about me. And she isn’t going to encounter people who might want to turn a cold shoulder to her out of loyalty to me, as I have already experienced.
The worst part is knowing that even with all this pain and turmoil I still want to reconcile. Want to work, really work through all of it, because none of this is permanent and none of this is unforgivable.
I know more about weakness and low points than most. I have given up many times on people and relationships. I can’t give up on this because it’s not like anything else.
I am not hopeless, but I may be helpless.
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