The One Who Got Away

She asked me at least once, perhaps more than once, if there was a “one who got away” in my life. I answered truthfully and with emphasis that there most certainly was not.

I didn’t think about why she might be asking that question, outside of general curiosity and maybe a desire to learn more about my past romances or lovers. To which there was very little to speak of.

I have a long list of first dates. Not all were bad, some were even good, but most were unremarkable. Very few second dates materialized and I was usually okay with that. And none of them compared even in the slightest to our first date.

I fell hard & quick. Assumed she did too. It was a whole new world. I was so grateful and surprised by how wonderful this love thing was.

I didn’t press for a lot of information about her past dating or sex life. I trusted her to let me in as she felt comfortable, and there wasn’t anything that could have scared me off or given me pause.

She didn’t really date much in high school, had a lot of unrequited crushes on guys she was friends with that didn’t see her that way (their loss). My experience during that age was quite similar. I got swept up in the late 90s AOL thing and had few “internet girlfriends” but nothing substantive with any of them or anyone IRL.

My post-high school years (not my college years as I did not go to college proper) were when things got very causal. Would hang out with someone for a while, maybe things were flirtatious and physical, but never all that romantic or serious.

Probably by the age of 23 I tried to date more like a adult, but still had an occasional causal fling with a friend or a friend of friend. And even when I did date proper it was just a lot of unmemorable first dates, rarely making it to even a follow up call to gauge interest in another date.

She told me about a string of bad boys she dated or slept with in college. The few she might have had any real feelings for kept her dangling but never reciprocated those feelings in a way she deserved. She would often get set up by friends and family as she grew older without much success. Had a few gentleman callers that were very interested in her, but whom she did not feel the same way about.

Again to her question of a “one who got away”. Even in my mostly casual dating life there was a few times when I thought I might be developing deeper feelings for someone. And in most of those cases I did put myself out there to see if they felt the same way. No one ever did. And once I knew were I stood I didn’t look back or fret over it.

Hard to believe coming from someone with such a spotty emotional track record, but I am proud of myself as I look back on it now for being that strong and making that healthy decision. I learned from years of rejection to take it in stride.

There were certainly times when I was mopey about being alone and not having love in my life, but it was not specific to feelings of missing or wanting anyone in particular. Just wanting to find the right one.

I still believe, almost unquestionably, that I did find the right one for me. And for a time I believed I was the right one for her. I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I may not be. And I know it will take a very long time, if at all, for me to change my belief that she is the right one for me.

So now if I am ever asked that question again I will have a sad but steadfast answer. Yes. I do have one that got away. It’s her.