Went to bed at 9:45 PM last night. Had terrible nightmares, mostly about being stranded in isolation with a killer or killers after me. Another one about being stuck on a civilian spacecraft going into space but with a saboteur on board. Woke up at 6:30 AM, but went right back to sleep. Finally crawled out of bed by 9:30 AM. Watched a little bit of Wimbledon coverage, went back to bed. Continued napping on and off throughout the day. Never doing much else. Not being able to concentrate on much, except her and what I want to say but can't. What I want to do, but can't. I wish I could pull myself out of this. Cut the ties. Remove the desire. How do you do that? I've never loved or been loved like this before? How could it have gone sour so fast? How do you discard it so easily? How can you ever trust that you will find anything close to it again?
I just watched “Obvious Child” and my heart fucking hurts so much because it was so funny, beautiful, honest, tender. And it makes me hate my own life and situation a thousand times more tha I already do. I’m supposed to see her on Friday to sign the divorce papers and so she can give me back the rest of the my shit that I left behind in the house that we shared as our home. And when I say shit, I mean exactly that, just crap that I don’t need or want but she can’t stand to have any trace of me left hanging around and doesn’t have the decency to burn it or throw away on her own. Like she even has a photo of me that I had given to her and she wants to return it to me. What the fuck?! It’s for me to process the idea that she is capable of such cruelty. Is it not enough that I am giving her what she wants? Is it not enough that I am left with next to nothing? No job, a broke down car, living with my parents, an entire life and future dreamt of and hoped for dashed. Friends & fami...
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