It’s bad enough to be rejected by anyone, let alone someone you love. Someone who loved you. Although part of me wishes, despite how much more it would hurt, that my wife had cheated on me or fell in love with someone else. Instead she simply fell out of love with me, maybe even before we got married. And said nothing to me until long after.
I was happy for us to go into marriage counseling so early in our marriage because I wanted nothing more than for it to work and for us to be as healthy and happy as possible. I was breaking down a lifetime of emotional barriers and opening myself up not only to her, but even to myself in ways I had never done before. Finding a way to be more comfortable and honest about how I feel and who I am. Finding a way to deal with wrongs done to me in the past without letting those things keep me in the darkness and forever stuck in pattern where it squelches my growth and happiness.
I knew that she worried I couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of myself and that would be harmful to our relationship. And seemingly as I reached what felt like a breakthrough, I knew she was still struggling with her own issues. Suddenly it became clear that she was not searching for a way to save our marriage, but for a way to end it. Just as suddenly it felt as though all the progress I was making, all the goodness and happiness and strength and joy I experienced from having her in my life was evaporating.
The timing could not have been worse for me. It has been 77 days since we were last in each other’s presence. Tomorrow afternoon we will met up in person. She will hand over the final divorce decree for me to sign and our marriage will be that much closer to being completely over.
It will likely be far longer than 77 days until we see each other again after that, unless we have to for some reason be at our accountant’s office at the same time while our joint tax return for 2015 is prepared before the extension deadline in October.
We won’t stay in touch with phone or email or social media. We promised each other we would already be doing that, but it hasn’t happened. We won’t become friends no matter how much she proclaims that is what she wants. Her family and friends, who said they would still be there for me and still loved cared for me have already fallen by the wayside. I’ll never see my niece or nephew again, and the niece who is only 2 will not even remember me in the slightest.
Maybe I’m wrong, but it feels like I’m right about most if not all of this. Maybe one day I’ll actually be happy again. But even then would I trust that it will last? Will I always wonder what if? The finality of this decision. Is it the right choice? Or is it only a temporary salve that might keep true healing from ever being possible.
I could talk around in circles all day and night about this. I pray for relief from it.
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