My mom referred to me as a “young bachelor” today, which I laughed at, and she changed it to “young divorcee”. I had to remind her that I will always be young to her, but I’m not young anymore. I’m 34 years old. I’m neither a bachelor or divorcee, at least not in spirit.
My parents had been married a decade and had two kids by the time they were my age. If I got someone pregnant tonight, I’d become a father around May 2017. That child would not graduate from high school until probably 2035, at which point I would be 53 years old. Not crazy numbers, but also not happening.
Last December my new wife and I talked about our plans for trying to start a family and we decided the earliest we would try would be December 2016. Gave ourselves a year to plan and save and grow.
Little did I know 3 ½ months later she would toss in towel on it all. When I spoke in marriage counseling about my worries and anxieties over becoming a father she twisted it into a declaration that I didn’t want to have to kids at all, which could have not been further from the truth. It’s a part of my marriage and the plan I had for my life that I didn’t realize would be so hard to mourn.
Half of my dreams and nightmares now are focused on this idea of family that has slipped through my fingers. It’s a cold, harsh, haunting feeling. You lose the best source of love you ever had, you lose your greatest expression of love, and you lose the promise of all the love that was to come.
My parents had been married a decade and had two kids by the time they were my age. If I got someone pregnant tonight, I’d become a father around May 2017. That child would not graduate from high school until probably 2035, at which point I would be 53 years old. Not crazy numbers, but also not happening.
Last December my new wife and I talked about our plans for trying to start a family and we decided the earliest we would try would be December 2016. Gave ourselves a year to plan and save and grow.
Little did I know 3 ½ months later she would toss in towel on it all. When I spoke in marriage counseling about my worries and anxieties over becoming a father she twisted it into a declaration that I didn’t want to have to kids at all, which could have not been further from the truth. It’s a part of my marriage and the plan I had for my life that I didn’t realize would be so hard to mourn.
Half of my dreams and nightmares now are focused on this idea of family that has slipped through my fingers. It’s a cold, harsh, haunting feeling. You lose the best source of love you ever had, you lose your greatest expression of love, and you lose the promise of all the love that was to come.
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