away and back

I feel guilty when I bitch and moan about not having a good support system. It’s not necessarily a complete indictment on my friends and family because I’m equally culpable in the reasons why my support system is flawed at best.

My parents have a deeply dysfunctional co-dependent marriage. My relationship with them is unhealthy and it is essentially ground zero for why I don’t have the strong & healthy supplemental relationships with my other family and friends. I recognize and have a desire to address & mend the flaws in my relationship with my parents, but I myself am not healthy or strong enough on my own to take on this tough task.

I lost my younger (and only) brother 13 years ago when he died. I lost my wife (and the person which I had been most intimate with in my life) earlier this year when she decided to divorce me. I deeply struggle with not having either of them in my life as my main support system currently.

And for reasons mentioned earlier I don’t have anyone else I can rely on to be there for me in the way I need to proceed with what I see as a crucially important part of me being able to move forward in my life in a healthy and positive manner.

Doing nothing is not an option. So I am now having to decide whether or not there is someone in my life that cares about me, who I can seek to strengthen and deepen my relationship with in order to become the support I do desperately want and need.

It’s not an easy task. I immediately think of several people and just as quickly think of reasons why I can’t bother them or burden them. I think of what it would feel like if they just rejected me or didn’t feel they could give me what I am asking for.

I would most certainly be using a professional mental health practitioner guiding me all along, but I don’t currently have a job or health insurance or access otherwise to that kind of professional help. But it is a top priority.