Talk

One thing I sure miss about being married was the talking. Deep stuff, day to day stuff, goofy stuff, bitchy stuff, the just talking an idea out loud stuff. And the listening too. The days when you don’t have much to say at first but hearing the person you love talk about something spurs you on to say something you didn’t think you needed or wanted to say.

And no it isn’t always perfect or smooth. And sometimes you make the mistake of not talking.

But I miss it.

I miss hearing about her day. About what is going on at her work. With her family. Her friends. I miss going on long tangents and rants about things I am enthusiastic about even if she doesn't fully understand what I am talking about.

I'm not talking to her or anyone outside of this blog right now. I have always had trouble with talking. I know I didn't talk enough. She needed more from me and I wanted to give more. I know that I failed, but I also know that I would have never stopped trying. And I believe that I would found a way for talking to no longer be a problem for me. I know it. 

The real problem was not that I was choosing to not talk to her, but rather that I had grown so accustomed to being silent that I didn't even realize that I was my silence was deafening and damning to her. Once I figured that out I humbled myself and wrestled with my demons set in their ways. I was striving to improve, not just for her, but for myself because I deserved to no longer be burdened by the cages I locked myself up in and the walls I put up around me.

I guess I can't fault her for choosing to not wait for that or to not even believe that I was capable of it. I just wish she had given me more time. I still have so much more to talk about with her. I don't know how to go on with having so much left unsaid.