After Burn

The last time I went to a NYE party as a single person was 2010 (going into 2011). I did actually have a very good time that night. Good company, good food, not too big of a crowd, discovered I was a fucking star playing Just Dance on the Wii. But it was all couples, save me and one other single dude. So it was of course awkward not having a midnight kiss. I don’t know what that is still a thing that could or should or does bother me. Perhaps it is for the best I have no plans for this evening. And I was newly single (and newly divorced) on NYE last year but I can not for the life remember what I did specifically. I know I just stayed home. My parents went out to a party with some friends. It does not appear I will be going out anywhere tonight. Haven’t been invited anywhere and don’t have a clue where I would go otherwise. Will be home with my parents and helping babysit my 1 year-old cousin this year. Don’t even care if I end up asleep before midnight. Last NYE I spent with my ...

Rough sleep last night. Woke up from a night terror at one point drenched in so much sweat I had to make sure I didn’t wet myself. And when I woke up to start the day after even more night terrors I somehow tweaked my right hip. Painful to walk this morning. Getting old sucks. Every time I eat for the last week and half I feel sick. And I’m tired all the time.  My mom was giving me grief about not having any New Year’s Eve plans. I do have plans. My plan is to sleep as much as possible this three day weekend when it gets here. Let the shit show of 2017 end the same way awful 2016 did, with a whimper.  And forge ahead in 2018. 

Finally going to see The Last Jedi this evening with my 17 year-old cousin, who has already seen it, but not until 10:00 PM. I’m very pooped from a long and full (but mostly good) day. Hope I can make it until then. Ate more than I should have and it was tasty by unhealthy. Might go take a walk looking at Christmas lights to burn some calories and get my energy up. I’ve got tomorrow off, so I can sleep in and rest before rehearsal in the evening and then back to work on Wednesday. Only have New Year’s Day off the following week, but I’ll take it. My insurance will have kicked in by then but I can’t use or request any PTO until I hit the six month mark at work, which will not be until April. So hoping to take some time off around my birthday to go get caught up with my physical exam, eye exam, dental exam, etc.. And maybe by next summer I’ll have enough time & money saved to take some sort of thrifty vacation. Hope everyone has been having as good a Christmas day as possible, wh...

Have been feeling a bit under the weather last few days. Working in a medical office you never know if it’s just something viral or if it’s just psychosomatic. Could be a little bit of both. Had been looking forward to finally seeing The Last Jedi tonight, but I can’t get anyone to go with me. Not sure what horrors the work day will bring me, but I’m considering just going home after heading to bed. Ask my parents not to wake me up until Christmas morning. And maybe not even then. 

Today was certainly not the worst day I’ve had at work during my nearly 3 months of employment in this office, but it was still a rough (very busy, short staffed) day and I want to cry out of frustration. I want to cry 😢 about things all the time, but rarely do out of just frustration alone. Must have reached my anger quota for the year, just skipping straight to tears. One more day before a very welcome (although probably not stress-free or relaxing) four day weekend.

As a birthday present for someone that still means so much to me even though we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in over a year I will not beat myself up today. Even though I really want to. And even though it feels like I very much deserve it.  I can not force myself to be happy, but I can force myself to be humble and grateful, since I certainly have reasons to be both no matter what else is going on.  I can do better today. 

Headed out to spend an evening at the theatre and socialize, even wore a spiffy seasonal sweater (as seen above) but I had a flat tire in the cold & heavy rain on the way to the show. So by the time I got the spare tire on I was dirty, sweaty, soaked, and running late. Suffice to say I did not make it to the show. Hate to have missed it and to have wasted $15 on a ticket. Got back home and spent the evening helping babysit my just turned 1 year-old cousin. Just got her to sleep. So now I’m eating some cold leftover spaghetti and wondering if I can find a place to get a new tire on a Sunday. I did get some Christmas gift wrapping done earlier, but mostly this weekend is looking like a washout. Going to be a busy and crazy week ahead, would’ve been nice to have gotten some friendly adult interaction tonight.

I was so tired all day. Been tired all week. Finally got to just come home after work with no rehearsal or shopping or anything else to do. Had to spend my lunch break in a mandatory seminar going over health insurance info. Which I don’t need to hear because I’ve already filled out my enrollment paperwork and picked my plans. And they provide us with detailed info on everything through PDF a week ago. But some HR schmuck gets paid to do this song and dance. I never eat lunch in the break room because it’s cramped and I don’t eat the meals being provided by drug company reps most days. And I like to eat my lunch alone in my car because it gets me out of the office, gives me a nice walk down and up stairs and a hill. I listen to a local sports talk radio show and just clear my head. Kind of sad, but most days it is the highlight of my day. Looking forward to the Holiday season being over. I'll have my insurance first of the year. Can try to get re-started on depression & a...

2017 has been an awful year and there is a good possibility that this coming week could be another level of terrible (Roy Moore being elected to the US Senate, Net Neutrality being gutted) so don’t be that fucking asshole who has to post Star Wars: The Last Jedi spoilers. Let us have one goddamn thing in this miserable end of times.

Cool. Cool. Cool. So this is what happens now on my days off and weekends? I just like get sick and can't do anything fun or relaxing and re-charging. Fuck. And today would've been my little brother Travis' 34th Birthday. I don't really have photos of us from after 1993 because we were mood teenagers that didn't like to take pictures. What a shame. Of course I also wish I had pictures of us together after 2003, but that's just another in a long line of shit I can wish for but will never happen.

My work Christmas party starts in less than three hours. All I’ve done with my day off today is laundry, wash dishes, and other housecleaning. And watch a bad movie - The Circle (2017). I have a bit of an upset stomach. Is that enough of a reason to not go? I shouldn’t have RSVP’d yes. If I can’t enjoy the free food or the cash bar, what’s the point? Making small talk with co-workers and their families? Even worse would be going there and talking about work, or having to talk about myself. Or politics. Or anything. I’ve never done an office Christmas party sober before. It’s terrifying.

Very shaky panic attack last night as I was falling asleep. Hallucinating and night terrors. Sunday nights are so hard these days. Mondays are not any fun, but work is so busy that it goes by fast. I already have too many anniversaries of awful things that I have to endure each year, and now this Tuesday another one on the list. One year since I’ve been divorced. She hasnt texted, called, written, emailed, Facebook messaged, etc.. since the text she sent after she got out of court that day once it was finalized. I’ve not received any contact from any of her family or friends even months prior to that. Just lost everything from this big part of my life that I loved so much in an instant. And I’m either too weak or ignorant to express how I feel or what I’m going through with the people I do still have in my life. Even if I could articulate it not sure I could expect much from them anyway. I’m a damaged person who comes from damaged people. It’s no surprise that she didn’t want me ...

What a fucking day. Only two more days of work until the 4-day weekend that is full of other shit to have do other than the resting I’d prefer to be doing. I wish this job would’ve turned out to be a better place to work because everyday I’m more and more certain that I don’t want to be here very long, but I also loathe the idea of loookg for work again. And I’ve not done the whole the “find a new job before you leave the one you have” before so I’m not sure how to start working on that, but I’ve got to wait a few months before I can seriously start down that road. I listen to a local sports talk radio show most days on my long, drugerous, after work commute. I know that makes me sound boring and stereotypical, but I fucking like sports and I don’t really have friends anymore, much less friends that I can talk about sports with so l I live vicariously through the radio show. On today’s show the hosts were on the off-sports topic of bad dates because one of the producers had been ...

Tomorrow I begin week 4 at my new job and I have a serious case of Sunday blues. Not wanting to go to work tomorrow. That didn't take long. Maybe I’m overly sensitive because I have been sick for almost a week and feel like crap still. At a time when I was being very active and had new things going on. Can’t just sit still and rest like I need to. But I’ve already let some friends know that if they hear of or find out about any job openings that would suit me to please let me know. While I was very happy to finally find steady work and have a means to support myself again and feel confident in myself, it hasn’t felt like a place I want to be long-term. I by no means would consider leaving this job before I had something else lined up. I have been burned too many times by doing that in the past. This place isn’t right for me, but I can handle working there in the interim.  The things I don’t like about the job: there is just so much complaining and finger-pointing plus a gene...

The recent revelations about Louis CK and Kevin Spacey have again reminded me to trust my gut. To trust the instinct I have buried deep with in myself, but mostly temper. While I have certainly been a fan of the work of both men, something about each of them has always disturbed me. It has happened with other celebrities and with people that I’ve known or met in my life and rarely have I ever been proven wrong for having that feeling. I have suspected that it stems from having experienced sexual abuse and trauma at the hands of two adult men when I was a child. A latent defense mechanism. My abusers were a blood relative and the other a family friend & neighbor. The abuse - or rather as I have recently come to feel it best described as “torture” - was ongoing and separate from each other. Both men were eventually found out and arrested and jailed for abuses against underage girls, but the world never knew about their transgressions toward me, toward my younger brother, and I’m su...

Already finishing up my third week at work. Feel pretty comfortable in my job & duties but still haven’t actually met everyone in the office yet or had much interaction with co-workers outside the three in my department. It’s been difficult fighting this cold or whatever it is I’ve had since Tuesday afternoon. My throat is still so sore. I have a pretty high threshold for pain, but it’s been bad. I have to talk all day long at work. And while I do work in a medical office I don’t have any sort of relationship with any of the providers yet, so I don’t feel comfortable asking for a quick evaluation. They have a rule about employees not being patients of the doctor’s in the office, at least as primary care physicians, it’s okay to be seen for acute issues like this. But I’m not on my company insurance yet and have no idea if they charge employees for visits. Some places I’ve worked at before have charged you at a discounted rate and others have waived all fees before. I’ve only been p...

On Friday I was offered and accepted a new job with a medical clinic in downtown Austin. They are even going to pay me more than what I was asking for, which is always great. I start working & training on Monday morning. I am very excited and relieved by this development. Immediately makes me feel more like a real, adult human being again. The plan is to just keep living like I have been while out of work which means living on next to nothing money wise, at least for the first few months so I can put most of money toward aggressively paying down what debt I have. Then I can move on to saving for/buying a car and looking for my own place to live again. Baby steps for sure. Won't happen overnight, but I am finally fucking able to take a step instead of retreating backwards. Going to have a heckuva commute for a while but that just means I can listen to podcasts while stuck in traffic on the way to and coming home from work. I don't have much anxiety about adjusting to the ...

A few hours ago I was awoken from a dream that I would have preferred not to be disturbed from. Couldn’t get back to sleep. But maybe sorta came to realization about myself that if I stay true to could make me quite happy in the long run, I dunno. While I still feel human and not diseased like I spent most of yesterday feeling like I should try to get a workout in. I have given myself the rest of October to eat like crap without much guilt but on November 1st it is back to a coordinated healthy eating schedule. Until then I should keep up a regular workout routine. I hope to get a physical exam done by year’s end and don’t want to overwhelm the doctor’s with both poor mental and physical health. 

Feeling under the weather this evening, but entertained myself from bed during a period of alert awake-ness by doing this astrology charting found at this site:  http://www.astro.com/cgi/atxgen.cgi?btyp=apx My results: Sun in Aries, Moon in Libra *Ascendant in Virgo, Mercury in the Seventh House *Moon in the First House *Saturn in the Second House *Venus in the Sixth House *Sun in the Seventh House The deeper explanation of all that actually hit on more than few accurate things. I’ll bold areas that resonate with me strongly as being very accurate, while other parts are certainly things I strive toward accomplishing. Sun in Aries, Moon in Libra You were born with the Sun in Aries and the Moon in Libra. Your individuality is influenced by Aries, which gives you qualities of leadership, creativity, and enterprise, but your personality traits, which come under the influence of Libra, are the opposite of the Arian traits. Your image is that of a socially-minded, temperate pe...

Job interview went well. Seemed to take the employment gap explanation well. Didn’t ask me too many questions or give me a bunch of specific scenarios asking how I’d handle them. Actually showed me around the office and introduced to me people, which I think is a gig sign. Told me they would make a decision quickly, tomorrow or by Monday. So we’ll see. The building this office is located in has only medical businesses and just happens to be next door to and even sharing a parking lot with the hospital I was born in.

I got a phone call about setting a job interview at 4:45 PM this afternoon. I was in the shower, so I couldn’t answer it and by the time I heard the voicemail and called back they were already gone for the day. Were they testing me or did they just not realizing making a call like that so late in the day would be fucking nerve-racking for someone desperate for employment like me. At least now I know what I’ll be doing at 8:01 AM tomorrow. 

H: You think you know everything. N: I know people change and grow. H: They definitely change. But you just have to hope they grow, too. I used to get some of my best writing done on small notepad that I took with me to a greasy spoon tupe diner. This was years ago before smart phones. I’d eat and drink alone and write in flurries. Dessert. Write. A cup of tea or coffee. Write. I rarely ever eat out anymore much less alone. And now I’ll use my phone to type away bits and pieces of something if I get inspired while out and about. But it’s not the same as scribbling away on a piece of paper.

 " I had made myself as vulnerable as I've ever been toward the end of my marriage and it still ended and I was left in a very disadvantageous situation comparatively. I'm literally living with my parents again, trying to start over.." "It's hard and humbling, but I know that what came before, what I wish I could go back to was not working, so I have no choice but to move forward somehow.." "Going back to her was never an option for me, as much as I obsessed over it initially. And I had to sort through the ways I was angry at her and angry at myself for ending up where I did." "I don't find myself feeling angry much anymore, at least not toward the past. Try to funnel my anger to present in order help me as I move beyond." "The loneliness is the worst kind of loneliness I've experienced before. I will say that. I have a lot of family around me, and friends. And they are good people for the most part but they didn...

A job I interviewed for back in the Spring has the same job opening available again. My interview with them previously had gone very well, had a follow-up interview to meet other employees, and I was told that a offer was likely, then they just ghosted me. It’s a good opportunity. And in a great location, in the neighborhood in South Austin where I want to move back to. So of course I sent them my resume again and composed a humble not at all passive aggressive email to the manager hoping they would reconsider me. Also the world is awful and men are horrible and I can't wait for this horror show a Trump presidency to be over.

I’ve been asked to be in a stage production of an adaptation of the John Steinbeck novel “Of Mice & Men” early in 2018. I was a pretty big Steinbeck fan in high school. Especially loved “East of Eden” and “Grapes of Wrath”. Haven’t read or seen a film version for “Of Mice & Men” in very long time, but part of this offer for this show was that I could choose any role I wanted except Lenny as it was already cast, and that wouldn’t have been a good fit for me anyway. Not that I’m a fan of picking roles for myself in any event. Haven’t committted to the show yet because I wanted to read the script and see if I get a job offer. I read the script tonight. It’s a quick read. But depressing. And not just because of the ending. Revisiting the material now I can see the obvious imagery of how oppresssive postwar rural America was for anyone that is poor, learning or developmentally disabled, a woman, or a person of color. Granted it doesn’t delve too deep into such issues, but that i...

Passed the test, I suppose. Went for a drive, taking a long way home after rehearsal because I was feeling panicky and very down. Got pretty dark there for a while, I was getting low on gas, was starting to think about hurting myself. A song came on the radio. "Black" by Pearl Jam from their debut album, Ten. A song from my favorite band that is a heavy song to listen to currently for it’s lyrical content and imagery. I already wanted to accelerate to 100mph and just veer into an electric pole. This should’ve push me over the edge. But it didn’t. I made it home. I don’t feel better, not by a long shot, but I know I wasn’t defeated tonight. I thought of calling someone, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m going wash my face, brush my teeth, and try to go to bed. It’s probably going to suck, but it looks like there will be a tomorrow.

"To my favourite person in the world, I know things are over, and I know that means I don’t get to create any new memories with you. I know I have told you not to talk to me again, but every day I talk to you, sometimes in whispers, sometimes in sobs, but every day I do. I know a lot of things now and one of them is how incredibly I miss you, but how that alone is not a great enough incentive to get us to talk again anymore. I know what we had was special and invaluable, and I know it because I know a lot of people, a hell lot of them, and still nothing makes up for the fact that we won’t get to stroll around aimlessly together anymore. I know I am sad, I can feel it every day as I lay my head down to sleep, and I know why I am so, but I also know that I have tried with all my heart for the both of us and it went in vain. I know what would feel good and what is right to do, and it aches me that this time they are two completely different things. I know I had you. I know I lost yo...

I had a dream last night that I was offered a really good, but still realistic even by dream standards job. But it was one of those dreams where inside the dream you dream that you were just dreaming it. Later on in my dream after I was already “awake” I was again offered another very good and realistic job. That is a Black Crows song and a Backstreet Boys song rolled into one.*

Last two nights have been unseasonably cool at night. In low 60s/high 50s. Yes, that is unseasonably cool in Central Texas for early September. The house is so quiet at night with no AC running. It takes some getting used to. And it certainly isn’t helping me get to sleep any easier. The quiet and the cool. The quiet is disarming, the coolness gives me energy. I ate bad today. And felt bad today. Not sure the order or proper causation of that. Overall for the year I’m doing better with diet. Maybe if I’m being generous I’d say I’m at 75% eating right, 25% not eating right. Which is pretty good considering I’ve been at 50/50 for most of my adult life. I just finished Season 4 of Marvel’s Agents of SHEILD and I was surprised by how much I actually liked it. I was ready to give up on the series overall after a very underwhelming 3rd season and two mixed bag earlier seasons. Had a whopper of a nightmare/somber dream night. Last thing I need lingering in my head on any given day but espe...

I’ve been struggling to stay awake today, and having very vivid & upsetting dreams that I am having trouble distinguishing from real life. Feels like my subconscious is nudging me towards something dangerous or drastic. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just too tired

I’ve had premonition dreams before. Or dreams that reveal to me that something is going on that I don’t yet know about. I wonder about what I saw in the dream I just woke up from. I can plainly see the heavy handed symbolism that is recurrent in my dreams (and nightmares, what a thin & often blurred line between them), but I fear the possibility of there being more truth in the absurd circumstances my subconscious just used as the canvas for its melodrama.

My mom, along with my aunt, uncle, and a cousin, took my grandmother and step-grandfather back down to their property in Rockport, TX for the first time since Hurricane Harvey made landfall there on Friday. It was quick trip to just get a basic assessment of the damages and get a tarp on the roof of their home to prevent further rain/water getting in. We’ll go back with more people on Saturday to start a more thorough clean-up and salvage job. From what I heard it was a tough trip seeing what Harvey wrath. Dead animals in fields. Homes and businesses destroyed. Palm trees snapped in half. So much debris. There isn’t any electricity or running water back in the town yet. I set-up my grandmother’s FEMA claim yesterday and they’ve already started communicating and responding, so we’re hoping there will be some decent help through that. Unfortunately they don’t have any homeowner’s insurance. None. Which was quite the surprise to the rest of the family. My grandparents have been pretty w...

an image that cuts half invented memory half premonition a destroyer of hope, faith, happiness, and health an end of the road inevitable only a matter of time this is all too true acceptance and growth can they be that far behind or still out of reach

Had an impromptu interview today in person with two former co-workers at a place I worked at from 2004 to 2010. A former supervisor of mine that I have remained friends with had initiated me coming in to apply for a current open position. I had never considered it in the past because I had left that place of employment on not great terms with the company since I had hastily quit on the spot without giving notice. But apparently they are open to me returning now, as I had good relationships with co-workers who are now in supervisor & management roles. It’s a position that is a few rungs down the ladder from where I had left the company seven years ago, but that’s just a part of starting over. My immediate goals are just finding gainful employment, paying off my debts (which really aren’t much), getting a car, and getting the fuck out of my parents house. I also have a second phone interview this afternoon with another company, so after a slow period the past month and a half I final...

I had a first phone interview today for a position with a physical therapy office in a part of Austin that I very much would like to be working (and eventually living) in again. It went pretty well, but they don't seem to be in much of a rush to hire because I will be having a second phone interview next week. Meanwhile I get a phone call from a former boss of mine inquiring if I would be interested in possibly returning to work for them again. This company I had worked for from 2004-2010. And didn't leave on the best terms, at least with management. I wouldn't even be returning to my exact position, but in a lesser role. It's worth considering since it is also in the area I want to be in South Austin. Last summer, shortly after my separation and moving back in with my parents, I received a similar offer from another former boss/employer of mine. I had worked for them from 2012-2104, and had only stopped working for them when I got engaged and moved five hours away ...

Yesterday my cousin got engaged. I am happy for him and his new fiance, but theirs will likely be the first wedding I attend since I got divorced. And it’s hard not to think about that when my cousin was one of my groomsmen and my cousins’ now fiance really hit it off with my new bride at our wedding. And then today is the birthday of another of my other male cousins, who is also married with a kid. And they have good jobs and finished college and I know their lives aren’t perfect but they are happy and at least functional adults. I would say that I turned out more like my many female cousins, except not really because they are all currently married and have lots of kids, even if they have a few divorces and multiple baby daddies between them, but they still have families of their own and are all pretty happy. So then I think about what would’ve happened to my brother if he were still alive. Would he be married with kids like our cousins? Would his family had taken me in after my divor...

I calculated based on my size & age how many calories I need to have daily in order to more effectively lose weight and I counted up my calories today to find that I’m only slightly over, by less than 100 calories, the number I need to hit in order to lose on average a pound a week.  So not a bad first day considering I didn’t plan my meals today based on this calories count calculation. My dinner was higher than normal in calories since it was a casserole, and my lunch was a salad with grilled chicken that was smaller than a full entree size so I may have over counted it.  And I had a very long, intensive work out today so that felt good too. Trying to do what I can to keep the diabetes at bay. I know I’m pre-diabetic at best, with my family history (all four grandparents & mom are diabetic) and having been carrying this excess of belly fat since I was about 28 years old (I’m 35 now).  Was able to lose 15lbs the summer after I turned 30 but I was working ...

I can’t speak for everyone but once you’ve been through your own divorce celebrity couples splitting don’t really have much impact anymore. Haven’t experienced the break-up of any couples I know in real life yet since my divorce so we’ll see if that still affects me, but I’m guessing it won’t all that much. 

“When you hit a wall – of your own imagined limitations – just kick it in.”   Sam Shepard (November 5, 1943 - July 30, 2017)

maybe this will be the week i start to move on find a job find a purpose sleep longer eat healthier exercise more not give up or give in maybe this will be the week i get it together laugh harder cry less stop waiting start doing maybe this will be the week my life will change for the better maybe this will be the week it all comes together or maybe it won’t maybe this won’t be the week i start over maybe i’ve been starting over every single day for a while now maybe each day is just a battle of its own maybe i take the good with the bad just keep trying not looking around for benchmarks maybe this week i don’t compare myself to others even all the other selves have been before especially those other selves maybe the bigger and better things i hope and strive for are never going to come maybe it doesn’t even matter if they do maybe i just keep fighting for it anyway maybe that’s all that matters

a year ago today i last looked into your eyes love, lust, pain in my heart, no surprise in six more years it will be all new skin time will tell if it was a loss or a win for now it's just another bad day in july one more line, exasperated sigh

Weird, meandering, depressing worm hole of insomniac thoughts led me to realizing even if I were to get somebody pregnant right now the child wouldn’t likely be born until after my 36th birthday next year. Not sure what to make of that. Of course the more depressing realization is that I haven’t had sex with anyone since shortly before I turned 34. 35 has been somehow even more sexless without much hope of changing, and we’re about halfway to 36. Life is so goddamn slow and fast at the same time, especially when you aren’t getting laid or getting much of anything else in your life.

"How do you move on? You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back." - JRR Tolkien "I am half agony, half hope…"  - Jane Austen, Persuasion "I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up." - Lauren Oliver, Delirium "Real love is always chaotic. You lose control; you lose perspective. You lose the ability to protect yourself. The greater the love, the greater the chaos. It’s a given and that’s the secret." -  Jonathan Carroll, White Apples "It is important that you say what you mean to say. Time is too short. You must speak the words that matter."  -  Kate DiCamillo, The Magician’s Elephant

Not a single family member or friend has called. Texted. Sent a Facebook message. E-mailed. Nothing.  It starts off with people coming to actually see you in person. Then it’s a phone call. Then a text message. Eventually just a post your Facebook wall or a comment on something you have posted on social media. Then nothing. And perhaps it should be that way.  Life goes on. Everything has a shelf life. It doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking about it. It doesn’t mean they don’t care. But they have moved on. Those of us who will never be lucky enough to do that, well the best we can hope for is just a day spent surrounded by love and life. But I don’t have such things in my orbit currently, so I just try to make it through the day and onto the next. 

Change happens both instantly and then very slowly over time. We tend to romanticize &  overemphasize the instant part, and yet it is the fading away that takes the most strength to live through. Metaphorically speaking it isn't the fall that kills you, it's the drowning. 

What if you have a Dad Bod but you aren’t a Dad what does that make you? If you’re just a divorced guy that has never been a father and whose body doesn’t seem to change much even when you dieting & exercising because you’re over 35 now and will probably just always a bit chubby or schlumpy. Kind of like actor Josh Gad. Aha! That’s it! I have Gad Bod.

Comedown has already commenced. Wish I had drugs strong enough to knock me out right now. Tomorrow is going to suck regardless, but it would suck less if I knew I could sleep tonight and get up earlier enough to see the Wimbledon Men’s Final. Perhaps I should take a shower, since I don’t think I’ve done that in a few days.

Next time I need to address or get the attention of two people who look like they are together, whether as friends or lovers or just in deep conversation or connection, I’m going to shout “Hey! Porkchop & Applesauce! Over here!”. And I’ll giggle inside even though they will likely just have a very muted reaction if any reaction at all. It hasn’t even officially been announced as an actual project yet but I already hate every single thing about the Quentin Tarantino/Charles Manson movie. I like Lily James a lot. She is very talented and beautiful; and her career is going great. But my ex-wife totally nailed it when we were watching the 2015 Cinderella and she pointed out that Sophie McShera - who was playing one of the evil stepsisters in that film but it is probably better known for portraying Daisy on Downton Abbey - should’ve been Cinderella.  If I could play a role on any TV series or in any film it would be the character of Bullseye, who is a well-known adver...

I was asked recently if there is a film that I would like to remake if I could. It is a great question. And I have multiple answers. Just recently I was thinking about how the 2002 film Reign of Fire that co-starred Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey and was about a post-apocalyptic world overrun with dragons was such a (pun absolutely intended) misfire. Granted I haven’t re-watched it since it was originally released fifteen years ago, but it just seems like there has to be a much better film to be culled from that premise and heck even bring back the two leads, give them a better script and some great supporting cast. Effects certainly could be done better these days, too. I have always had a fondness for New Line Cinema’s other big horror film franchise from the 80s/90s - Critters - and have long dreamed of remaking/rebooting it with today’s technology while keeping the campy charm and fun of the original. There are two lighthearted romantic comedies with very similar plot...

It’s still late Sunday. July 9th. Next Sunday on the 16th will mark 14 years since my younger (and only) brother committed suicide at the age of nineteen. But today marks fourteen years since I last saw or talked to him. He came by my place in Austin during the day. I was meeting some friends later than evening to see the first Pirates of the Caribbean film on opening night, he had plans to do something else but we had discussed going to the lake with other friends that weekend and trying to catch Bad Boys II the following week when it came out. At some point that afternoon he stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. Then I noticed he had just left without saying anything. At the time I remembered that it felt unusual, not that he would’ve made a big deal about leaving, but it definitely seemed out of the norm to just take off without letting me know he was going. And then a week went by and we hadn’t seen each or talked again, which wasn’t horribly unusual. I remember having a conversati...

It’s important to remind yourself that you do actually like and even love some things in the world. Of course you do truly hate certain things, but not every fucking thing. It’s just your mental illness and depression making you feel like you hate everything.

I'm fairly confident that sleep deprivation is currently the most harmful symptom of my Major Depressive Disorder. So many other physical and mental symptoms stem directly from lack of sleep, anxiety over falling asleep, unrestful sleep, etc.. I've not been able to able to afford regular treatment or medication for over a year. Have been holding out hope for finding work with benefits, but still waiting on that. And in my home state of Texas (and the way things are looking soon the entire country) I'm not liking my chances to qualify for Medicaid or other assistance.  It's July. Which is the month with the anniversary of my brother's suicide (fourteen years on the 16th) and is often the most difficult month to get through. Later this month will also mark one full year since the last time I saw my ex in person, so that is just another wrinkle.  I wish had a better game plan for going into this month. My support systems are not much right now. I'm al...

It has been 417 days since I moved back in with my parents after officially separating from my wife. I have only been employed for a total of six weeks during these past 417 days; including a 3-week stint working on an independent film last September and a 3-week seasonal position at an Amazon fulfillment center. I have had 27 in person job interviews, at least a dozen phone interviews, and even one Skype job interview but not a single job offer to come of it. That translates to roughly one job interview every two weeks. And I’m not even counting the dozen & a half career fairs I’ve attended. I have roughly $6k in debt, which doesn’t seem like a lot in this day & age, but it might as well be millions of dollars when you don’t have a job or even own a car anymore. And the hill you are climbing just keeps getting taller each day. And I haven’t had sex in about 16 months. And the GOP are literally destroying this country and trying to destroy the entire world, so maybe my ...

I know I’m about a month behind the curve but holy shit Hasan Minhaj’s Homecoming King special on Netflix is incredible. And Neal Brennan’s 3 Mics (also on Netflix) is amazing too and released earlier this year. Much better than some of Netflix’s more splashy big name comedy specials in 2017. :::cough:::cough:::AmySchumerLouisCKDaveChappelle:::cough::cough::

1. Depression lies. 2. Addiction lies. 3. There is truth in the pain. 4. But there is truth in joy, too. 5. You know already what you have to do. 6. You just have to figure out how. 7. Don’t forfeit tomorrow. Fight, yes. Lose, perhaps. But don’t give up.

I am a Passenger. I am a Path. I am a Stream. I am a Current. I am a Shock. I am a Light. I am a Fire. I am a Force.

Isn't it Fathers' Day, not Father's Day? Unless you are addressing one specific Father. I always feel the same about Mothers' Day, too. I'm not a grammar expert but I think plural possessive nouns make more sense for these kinds of holidays. Especially when you are wishing a "Happy Fathers' Day to all" as so many tend to do. I'm not a father, never have been and may never be. I was a father figure to a cousin on mine for a portion of his childhood when his biological father was absent (and still is) but thankfully he has a stepfather that is there for him. And he has turned out pretty great so far. My only concern about the grammatical correctness of this holiday is that is very worrisome how widely accepted something can be in this world even when it is not correct. People will just keep going along with something that is wrong out of convenience. Which I imagine is why we have climate change deniers, and why famous (and not famous) men can op...

I am awake and dressed. Prepared to take my father to work so I can borrow his car to go on my job interview later this morning. I have not slept more than 20 minutes consecutively in the past four hours. Interrupted by the recently adopted 2 year-old rescue cat my mom got last Friday. She is a sweet, playful kitty but still getting used to her new surroundings and home. She has also taken to sleeping and hiding away all day long, only to be up all night with increasing levels of getting into everything and crying out. This cycle must be broken soon. And I don’t just mean the night cat stuff.

Fell down an online personality type rabbit hole this evening and my current classifications include: INFP-T (MBTI), The Generalist (enneagram), Melancholic (temperamant), Gryffindor w/Grey Squirrel Patronus (Pottermore/Hogwart's House), and Neutral Good (Moral Alignment). A few of these are different than they have been in the past. Perhaps I have changed. Hopefully for the better.

Good news: I’ve got a job interview tomorrow and the company has several open positions so the odds are better than usual. Bad news: I have to figure out what to do with my face. Do I shave off the goatee and hope that my stubble is subtle enough to not look like I’m a lazy slob, or do I keep the goatee but keep it trimmed until the rest of the beard fills back in. I could also just go completely clean shaven but that will make me feel less confident and if they like the clean shaven look I’m screwed because there is no way I’d be able to keep that up for longer than a week. Other bad news: I’ve vomited three times today in what I’m hoping is just a stomach bug that will be gone by tomorrow.

Just got an email from an HR rep at a chain Sports equipment store that I applied for a cashier position with this very morning. The gist of the email was “are you sure you want to apply for this position?”. Nah, fam. I just like wasting my time filling out applications and taking online assessments over a hundred questions long.  I run into this sort of problem with large corporations, especially retail companies. I had a job interview several years ago with a new Jack-in-the-Box location that was built were I lived at the time. I applied for an entry level position, but they called me in to interview for an assistant manager position. Which I didn’t know until mid-way through the interview. I was told I didn’t have quite enough experience for the management position but they wouldn’t consider me for anything else below that.  I don’t understand it. My resume is not that impressive, why does it give these HR reps so many fits. Yeah, I’ve had a job or two in the past...

It’s almost end of the business day and haven’t heard back from job I interviewed with twice last week. Was supposed to get offer by end of day today if one was coming. Have also been waiting for over an hour & half for another call back regarding an interview with another company. And applied to another job today that has the best benefits & pay of any of these others. This endless waiting game has stop soon. Somebody hire me. Give me a shot. I am barely alive as it stands now.

Slept in till past Noon. Just took an hour & half depression nap. Have done jack & shit today except fight off a desire to just fade away forever.

Obligatory car war selfie post second job interview in two days, a follow up interview. Wasn’t offered job, but should know by Monday.

I have been light-headed, with a constant mild headache and bouts of queasiness all day. Had a job interview this afternoon that went well. I must have been coasting on adrenaline because I felt so lousy but had enough energy to power through it like an actual human being. They really seemed to like me and think I’m a good fit based on experience. I’m going back tomorrow afternoon for a second interview, certainly hope they offer me the job by the end of it. Pay is fair, but no health insurance benefits. Firm work hours of 8:30-5, no weekends or holidays. 2 weeks paid vacation to begin. It’s quite the commute currently, but if it goes well for me and after I save up to buy a car I can then look at moving the fuck out my parents and somewhere much closer to the office in Austin. Fingers crossed, prayers, good vibes, et al. Hope I feel better tomorrow for the next step.

"So tell me, how much of metaphors do I need to stitch in poetry for my heart break to sound beautiful."  - Pranita Rimal

When you give up on trying to fall asleep and get back out of bed to discover that is only 1:30AM. I want so desperately to fast forward through this day. I don’t want to see anyone or speak to anyone or do anything. I just want it to be over. I want so much to be over. I want to have something to move onto. I want to feel something else. I want to stop talking non-stop in my head to someone that isn’t listening. 

I can never tell if I’ve pushed people away or if they have just peace’d out of their own accord. It’s probably a steady mix of the both.

"It’s like when someone says, ‘How are you?’ Do you say, ‘Well, my head hurts and I’m lonely and depressed and I’m worried about everything and the world is collapsing and full of evil’? Or do you say, ‘I’m fine’?" - Sara Shepard, The Visibles

There are a lot of beard ointments and oils and treatments on the market these days. Most of them are pretty expensive, so I’ve hesitated buying or using such products. I use my regular face wash and about once or twice a week I use my conditioner on my beard too. But I have had a plethora of Bed, Bath & Beyond gift cards left over from wedding gifts – which BTW we’re just four days away from what would have been my second wedding anniversary, FUN**WANTTOSLEEPTHROUGHITSOIDONTSPENDANENTIREDAYWANTINTODIE** – so I splurged and bought some beard conditioner cream recently. Haven’t noticed any difference yet in softness but what it has done is make the beard seem even more red than usual, which I can be insecure about. I’ve always wished my beard matched the color of hair on my head (which is an ever graying brown). And my goatee area has two very big patches of white. I would actually prefer more white sprinkled throughout. Of course it wouldn’t be salt & pepper per se, but rathe...

Thought I was having a bad/hard day. Lots of heavy things in the world right now putting it all into perspective for me. I'm here. I'm alive. T hought I was having a hard day. But I was having an inconvenient day, a nuisance of a day. Not the same thing. I know what hard days are. What bad days are like. Today was not one for me personally. That's worth remembering. Have to resist the temptation to get too wrapped up in every little thing that isn't working out for me. Gotta save my strength for the bigger things both in my life and outwardly in the world.

"I am not happy. I am not unhappy. I am frozen somewhere in the middle that is so much worse. I am nowhere. Nothing is happening and I am getting more and more sad." - Samantha Schutz, I Don’t Want To Be Crazy I am terrified at just how miserable I am when I take it all in. I have to block some of it out to just get by day to day. It won't take much of a win to get the ball going in the other direction, but it is so tiring waiting and working for a win that just doesn't seem to be coming.

I don't hate the outside world. I really don't. There are things in the world that I hate, but I don't hate the world. I hate that you are not in my world and I am not in your world. I hate that the happiest of moments in my world are not as good as they could be with you. I hate that I am missing out on whatever is going on in your world whether it be Happy, Sad, Good, or Bad. I hate that you might actually want me in your world again, but not in the way I want to be. And I hate that I can't change how I feel or that I can't even imagine ever feeling differently. I hate that I ever held back, even a little. And I really hate where I held back a lot. I hate that I ran out of chances. Ran out time. I hate that I gave in so easily. I hate writing this knowing you will never read it. I don't hate you. I love that I don't hate you. I love that I haven't stopped loving you. I don't want to know what not loving you anymore feels like. I love ...

"I do not want to have you to fill the empty parts of me. I want to be full on my own I want to be so complete I could light a whole city and then I want to have you cause the two of us combined could set it on fire."  - Rupi Kaur