Gut Check, Part II

Yesterday my cousin got engaged. I am happy for him and his new fiance, but theirs will likely be the first wedding I attend since I got divorced. And it’s hard not to think about that when my cousin was one of my groomsmen and my cousins’ now fiance really hit it off with my new bride at our wedding. And then today is the birthday of another of my other male cousins, who is also married with a kid. And they have good jobs and finished college and I know their lives aren’t perfect but they are happy and at least functional adults. I would say that I turned out more like my many female cousins, except not really because they are all currently married and have lots of kids, even if they have a few divorces and multiple baby daddies between them, but they still have families of their own and are all pretty happy. So then I think about what would’ve happened to my brother if he were still alive. Would he be married with kids like our cousins? Would his family had taken me in after my divorce so I wouldn’t have to move back in with my parents for the second time as an unemployed adult? Will I ever catch a fucking break again? Do I just start praying for this nuclear war, but pray that I am the only casualty of it?