After Burn

I fucking hate that this job makes me do petty things like take extra long bathroom breaks on a busy Monday morning because my co-workers, my so-called “team”, is too busy gossiping about the weekend or sharing the minutia of deeply personal and borderline inappropriate for work home life issues. I literally have to remove myself from the office to ge them to halfway pick up the slack. I have to get more proactive in looking for another job. I just don’t have any successful experience with  finding a new job while still with a current employer. I always end up with a gap in employment. And I just can’t go through that again. 

Was thinking about my first job after high school writing for a small local bi-weekly newspaper. When I covered games for one of the local high school football teams on a way out of town game I’d have to find a pay phone (I didn’t have a cellphone yet) after the game and read my story the editor back in the office to transcribe it in order to make the deadline for the Saturday morning edition. That was only 18 years ago, but journalists were doing things that way before fax machines and email for decades prior. I’m technically considered a “millennial” but think people around my age have a very unique perspective on the shift of life from the 20th to 21st century. 

Missing my brother Travis today on what would’ve been his 35th Birthday.  If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts & feelings there are resources I would implore you to seek out.  Call 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or  Text TALK to 741-741 to communicate with a crisis counselor 24/7.

Came home to find out that my grandmother had a stroke on Saturday. We are just finding out today from my step-grandfather per her wishes to not saying anything right away. Don’t have all the details yet  although it appears to have been just a minor episode and she is already home with just some slurred speech but no paralyzed limbs. I’m digging through layers family bullshit with my cousins, aunt, and uncle all fighting with each other and making it about themselves and my mother venting to me because she gets pulled in the middle of it and my dad doesn’t step in to handle anything even though it’s his mother. Gonna be a fun Thanksgiving now. Kind of strange that my grandfather had a stroke 6 years ago the week before Thanksgiving and died before Christmas that same year. My other grandmother also suffered a major stroke that she never recovered from, but it was almost six months later (and lots of rehab and hospital visits) before she died. And my other grandfather went into the...

8 Dead, Several Others Shot At Pittsburgh Synagogue In the past week a white supremacist tried to enter a church in Kentucky to kill it’s Black worshippers, but the doors were locked so he went into a grocery store to murder two Black grandparents, passing over a white man in the store telling him “Whites don’t kill Whites”; then a homegrown terrorist plotted and attempted (thankfully foiled) to pull off mass murder through bombings against political opponents of our current President; and now this. You can keep your head in the sand if you want. Pretend that there is some sort of equitable partisanship or division in this country and just hum “kumbaya” to yourself, or you can face the harsh reality of what is happening in this country.

Four of the Nine justices of the Supreme Court appointed by Presidents that did not win popular vote in elections that put them in the office, and that is supposed to be a democracy?! There is no such thing as a “greatest country in the world” and anyone in this country who claim such a thing doesn’t care about any other country anyway, nor do they care about the majority of the people in their own country. Vote. Please vote. They want you to be discouraged. But we still have to exercise the only thing we have left, no matter how much the subvert and manipulate the election process.

I should’ve been a basketball or tennis coach. Or became a theatre teacher. Never should’ve taken time off from school knowing I’d never go back and get my degree.  I wouldn’t have a big house or fancy car. I’d still be paying off student loans. Probably just getting by about the same as now. But I’d be happier, I know that.  I was a desperate and depressed 21 year old that took a job a close family friend offered out of kindness and it turned into a career path I never wanted. Fifteen years later I struggle to find stability and fulfillment in my work. And find it even harder to break away into something else. 

Just had Four days off and now I’m four hours away from needing to get up to start my work week. Can’t get to sleep. Did plenty of sleeping the past four days. Too much sleeping. Not much of anything else. Haven’t even left the house since Friday afternoon. What a waste. Didn’t even get any rehearsal or study for the play. I fucking hate myself. I hate this sad, lethargic, dispassionate person I’ve become. 

Monday was tough. Computer systems at work were buggy or down most of the day (and then buggy through rest of the week) due to issues with an upgrade that didn't work very well. Tuesday morning I overslept and was running late for work when I got into a car accident. It was my fault. I was waiting to merge onto a highway, sneezed and hit the gas accidentally. Slammed into a truck in front of me with a large trailer hitch. Nobody was hurt. The other car didn't even have any damage. The trailer hitch absorbed my blow and pierced my car's grill causing quite a lot of damage. Had to get towed to the body shop and miss work that day since I didn't get my rental until 4pm. Amidst a very tough week I decided to start a new intermittent fasting routine to help with my health and stave off diabetes for as long as I can. It’s a 16-8 intermittent fast whereupon I only eat meals between 1pm and 8pm, so my body has longer overnight and next day fasting period to burn more fat. Te...

It’s been a good movie watching weekend. Watched Alien (1979) Friday night. Saw The Meg (2018) last night which was a lot of fun. Watched Revenge (2018) earlier this evening which was intense as fuck and very good. Now watching Aliens (1986) to wrap up the weekend.  I’ve also been binging Jeopardy now that is streaming on Hulu with last tournament of champions episodes.  And I bought a new pair of boots today. And have done a lot of housework that I was behind on.  But still have had a depression nap each day and bad nightmares. Ups and downs. Always ups and downs. But at least the ups are not completely washed out by the downs. 

Having trouble getting my 19-month old cousin Lily to bed tonight. She’s always been bad about fighting bedtime. This second consecutive Friday night I’ve watched her and will have her tomorrow for most the day again, too. Then I’m supposed to go to a kind of depressing even tomorrow afternoon/evening for family that I am not looking forward to. My cousin Katie is having a birthday party/celebration of life for her sister Natalie that died 3 years ago this month when the motorcycle she was riding on was hit by a drunk driver, just days after her 26th birthday. It’s a big part of why August wraps up the entire shitty Summertime.Nothing but shit memories of trauma between late May and beginning of September. Been having very vivid and disturbing dreams lately. Just psychological fuckery. Covering the same ground over and over in new and twisted ways. Always feeling just real enough to play with my head in the days following. I took a sick day from work on Tuesday and that made the week...

My ex wife had an orange tabby cat named P.J. that was 16 years old when we divorced in 2016. I was very fond of him. And have missed him greatly since I left. My mom recently asked me if I knew how he was doing (she was clearly fishing on info if I knew how my ex was doing) but I didn’t. Because my ex and I haven’t talked in over a year and half and haven’t seen each other in person for two years already. Wow that is hard to wrap my head around. She (my mom that is) just happened to see my ex comment on a Facebook post of a mutual friend about cats and asked her about PJ, to which she replied that he had passed away last August. Essentially a year ago and never said a word to me about it despite knowing how much I cared for the cat and how much he meant to her. I’m sad to hear this news, but not surprised as he was a very old cat and she has not made any contact with me whatsoever since the divorce was finalized. I guess I’m kind of detached to the news in a way. And it also h...

I spent the afternoon chasing around five kids between the ages of 19 months and 10 years old at a skating rink and then at home. Once I dropped them off back at their parents. I actually went downtown to see a good friend’s band play. They’re a classic rock cover band. Sounded very good and had a decent selection of songs. The lead singer/guitarist I’ve known since he was a kid and he could very easily be fronting any band in the world with his talent. Was happy to hear from him recently that he wants to start a new band that is a bit more serious and focused on original songs. But for the time being happy to catch his current outfit rock out in a neat little outdoor venue that was tolerable thanks to an evening breeze. Felt good to get out and do something instead of just napping the day away, which I almost did. I’m sure tomorrow will more of that. Especially since it is supposed to be somewhere around 107, possibly as high as 110 degrees. And it’s not even fucking August yet. The i...

Sometimes I think to myself that I should be further along in my post-divorce life but then I think that maybe I was so wrapped up in trying to be a good guy and not be toxic toward my ex - who had every right to not want to be with me anymore for whatever reason - that I haven’t fully processed or grieved what it felt like to trust someone enough to tell them your darkest secrets and reveal a past weakness; one that you had conquered before you even met them; And then have that be one of the major things that scares them off. And this all while you had made yourself so vulnerable to that person in other ways like shutting down your small business because it was overwhelming you and them telling you they wanted you do it and would be there to support you - financially & emotionally - as you worked together to find a new path; but then less than a month later they decided “nah, you’re on your own now. I’m out.” It’s maybe a week away from it being two years since I’ve last seen...

I guess today will be better than yesterday if all it does is end with me not waking up shortly after falling asleep and vomiting profusely in my bed and then even more hacking and vomiting in the trash can beside my bed for nearly an hour.  I stripped my bed and slept on the bare mattress once I finally calmed down and was able to get back to sleep. I hate re-dressing the bed, but have to look forward to that after work.  Haven’t vomited that extreme in a very long time. Not sure what caused it, probably a reaction to allergies and post-nasal drip combining with anxiety. Defineitly didn’t feel like anything viral or a reaction to something I ate. I don’t feel under the weather this morning. Just tired. And anxious. And very depressed. So pretty much normal. 

Worth remembering on this holiday any year, but maybe especially this year. One of the single most recognizable images representing our country is a powerful woman welcoming immigrants. A gift from an ally. 🗽

Fucking July is just always the goddamn worst. Can’t even get one day into the month without bad news. Just found out that a friend and former co-worker died suddenly today, shortly after coming home from rehab after major back surgery. Sharessa was the warmest, kindest person you could ever know. I am so heartbroken for her husband and kids, and her sister and grandmother that I’ve known for many years as well.

Up at 5:30AM on Sunday morning with a stomach bug. Wasted the entire day sleeping or laying around feeling lousy.  Maybe 4 hours of sleep last night, which was just long enough to have an excruciating dream about my ex. I just hope this Monday at work takes it easy on me or else I’ll be tempted to walk next door to the mental health hospital (Austin’s lone facility of that nature far as I know) and check myself in. Been just over 11 years since my last visit there. 

I slept in on Saturday until 10:30, which is very late for me. Then I took a solid 90 minute nap that afternoon while babysitting my 18 month old cousin while she also napped. I knew catching up on that much sleep would result in a very difficult time getting to sleep later that same evening. And she enough I got home from my performance of “Sweeney Todd” at 11pm, was exhausted but didn’t get to sleep until after 3am. It is now just after 6:30am and I’m wide awake but still exhausted and emotionally drained as I had a very intense and unpleasant dream about my ex-wife during my all too brief night of sleep. I am on medication again, but was going to wait until I paid off my debts and could afford to move out of my parents’ home before I started talk therapy again due to the cost and time it takes. Not sure I can wait that long anymore. Things have been rough for a few weeks now. I used to have a very blue period in July, but now it starts in late May and carries into August. Too ...

I started trying to clean & organize my bedroom at 9AM this morning. It’s now midnight and I’m trying to go to bed but did not get nearly far enough with my original task. Now I have to just scootch over enough room to crash out. And deal with the junk on my bed when I have time, like next weekend. This was meant to be a self-deprecating post, but now I just feel very sad and overwhelmed at how little time I have as of late. Can’t seem to get ahead off or even on schedule with much of anything these days. Always distracted or sidetracked. After midnight so it is officially June 11th. Which means it is now 8 years since the last time I used any kind of drugs. I was unemployed and partying with some of my oldest friends from middle school/high school, we decided to cut loose and pretend it was the late night 90s again by throwing a private rave for ourselves at my buddy’s house. I don’t even remember what I took or snorted that. Probably shit I shouldn’t have mixed with ecst...

I have to be up in five hours to start another drudgery work week. I will also have late nights of Sweeney Todd rehearsals this week; and I was too busy, lazy, or forgetful to work on my songs or lines this weekend. Did order a prop off Amazon though. We open on June 15th. Holy shit. I have so much to do.

I wasn’t even thinking all that much about this date coming up until a bad dream the night before last. Now I’m bogged down in “Sliding Doors” like scenarios. Would she be making jokes about my recent change to wearing glasses like how she was “married to a new man” or “I’m cheating on my husband with this guy in glasses”. Would we be planning our 5th anniversary trip to Italy as we had discussed right after getting married. Excited that it was only two years away. Would we already have started a family. We had agreed to start trying and planning at beginning of 2017. Giving ourselves a year & half of just being newlyweds. Settling into married life before taking that next step. Would we have looked more seriously into a move to D.C. or NYC as had been discussed as possibilities if we ever decided to leave Texas for a new adventure and to be closer to her college friends on the East Coast. Would it all have just fallen apart in another six months or another year if it had...

Not in a good headspace this morning. Had a dream that seemed simple enough, kind of redundant and mean, but it started really knawing at me as I analyzed it while taking a shower and getting ready. Now it’s not even 6AM and I’m already drained emotionally, and I still have to go back to work after a long weekend. It’s going to be rough. Hopefully the hectic and hurried nonsense of my job will be a distraction. But on top of everything else I already feel my mind recalling how much I didn’t get done with these past three days off. Quick Sanding. 

Went to see The Fantasticks tonight at the community theatre I grew up in, but not the one I helped start 8 years ago and have been working almost exclusively with since then. It was a wonderful show, had never seen it before; but had listened to the soundtrack when I was younger. Several people I know that were at or in the show didn’t recognize me, I’m assuming mostly due to the glasses, but also because I just don’t make it to see shows there very often anymore. A woman I did not know came up to me at intermission and told me how much she enjoyed my performance as Mr. Darcy in Pride & Prejudice, which was not something I was expecting but was very nice to be recognized and complimented even though that show was at another theatre and closed a month ago.

Today has just been ridiculous at work so far. Frustrating and annoying, but also strange in ways that normally isn’t. Hard to explain. Just crazy. And on top of that I’m struggling to get adjusted to the glasses. I can clearly read text better with them, but my horizontal vision is askew and it makes me feel unbalanced, even borderline queasy/dizzy. Eye doctor told me to take a week wearing them and if it doesn’t get better they’ll have me come in for a recheck. And I have to keep the glasses on, because if I take them off upon feeling uneasy then everything is blurry and I can’t see.  If I didn’t have a very difficult song to rehearse tonight for Sweeney Todd I’d just skip rehearsal all together to go home and go to bed early. Just so exhausted and overwhelmed this week. Taking my klonopin daily and still needing to get into a dentist because toothache (probably an infection) hasn’t gone away. Such an uncomfortable mess and I just want to sleep. To rest. To have one goddamn ...

I’ve got an eye doctor appointment in the morning. Last eye exam I had was 5 years ago and despite everyone close to me telling me that I need glasses 👓 the doctor didn’t think so, she told me I just had common eye strain from using computers and electronic devices too much. My vision hasn’t improved any since then and I still use computers and electronic devices everyday so I’m hoping there is something they can do for me now. Seeing a different doctor this time, obviously. I know I can see fairly well with things that are far away and things that are very close, it’s the mid range I struggle with. Not sure what that is. Maybe glasses won’t be needed. Maybe it’ll be one of those laser eye surgery things that will fix me up. I don’t know. What I do know is I also have a toothache going on about day 4 and this far have not been able to get an appt with a dentist to start some antibiotics or pain meds. Just using otc treatments right now and they are not working. Pain is starting to g...

I’m at the theater watching “Avengers: Infinity War” again. Overhearing a couple behind me having some very awkward “this is maybe our second or third date and we still don’t know or don’t remember much about each other’s daily life” conversation, which has now segued into talk about movies and they have very different tastes and interests. That said they’ll probably get married and have five kids. And I’ll just keep going to comic book movies alone for the rest of my life.  He just asked if she was Jewish. And she is! And sounded understandably perturbed that didn’t know or remember. This is fascinating and excruciating all at once. I never saw what they looked like. But overhead (on purpose) as we left the theatre that they did not come in the same vehicle, and he was taking too much just trying to keep it going, although she just didn’t seem into it very much. He was saying how much he wanted to see Deadpool 2, as if she would chime in with “Me too! Let’s see it tog...

I was newly unemployed at the time. Had two temporary jobs later that year but did not find full time employment until October of 2017. I’m living paycheck to paycheck, not saving much since cost of living is high and having to buy a car in February was expensive. Paying off my credit card  & other debts slower than I’d like. So I'm still living with my parents for the time being. Considering getting a part time job, but getting jobs has never been easy for me. Have only very recently dipped my toes back into the dating world, and so far only through modern online realms. My experiences so far: Bumble: women that are way out of my league. Tinder: women that are too wild or flaky. OKCupid: a mixture of both. Left wondering why I am even bothering with online dating when I should just look into becoming a celibate monk somewhere and devote the rest of my life to charitable works. *ex-wife as of 11/28/2016

This weekend I closed the three week run of playing Mr. Darcy onstage in an adaptation of Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice. One of the best roles and plays I've ever been a part of, being able to bring to life a story and character I've loved since I was 16.  This morning I called out of work because I was still feeling bad after having some mysterious symptoms for nearly two weeks. Went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Shingles. Going to be a tough week, even on meds. Can't really miss much work, so I'll just have to grin and bear it. Doctor told me could get worse before it starts to get better, even on the meds. 

I bought a body pillow a few weeks ago and pretty much fall asleep spooning it every night now. How pathetic is that?! Hashtag fake it til you make it? My nine year old cousin asked why I had the pillow in my bed and I told her it was for my bad back.  If I had a therapist I’m sure we’d be diving deep into this. 

I have neglected this blog. Been busy. Turned 36 last weekend. Opened "Pride & Prejudice" play this weekend. Went very well. Re-entering the dating world has not gone as well and I haven't even been on single date yet. My mom is having some heart issues, which is scary considering she turns 60 this week and her father died of heart failure at 61. Has a heart cath procedure coming up soon to see if there is a blockage that needs repairing. I’m cleaning the house. Dishes and laundry. Maybe do the bathroom if I still have the energy. Pulled a hamstring on Friday after overdoing it with leg workout and not stretching enough beforehand. Wearing tights the past two evenings have made it feel better. Should probably sleep in tights until it heals up. I feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty about my number one priority being able to move out on my own again. My parents will just have to deal. It’s my life. I am grateful I had somewhere to go when my life fell a...

Gotta say pretty disappointing to have gone the entire weekend dipping my toe back into the online dating world and to have gotten crickets so far. That’s not doing well for my self-esteem. Wasn’t expecting to fall in love or have a booty call instantly, but I received just one simple “Hello” message that I responded to but was not replied back to. Bumble, Tinder, and OKCupid. I refuse to try Match because I hate those TV commercials so much. Has been interesting to see women I know on these platforms, some of whom are in relationships; or were the last I knew, so maybe their single or maybe they are just swinging. And there are a lot of swinging/poly/etc women in the Austin apparently, at least judging by the amount of profiles I’ve come across. It was no easy thing to put myself out there, so maybe if I get too impatient to have any sort of interaction that is a sign that I’m not ready for this? I don’t know. Maybe just focus on the people in my life that know me and are trying s...

A friend of mine, the wife of the playwright & director of the play I just closed last weekend,  told me this afternoon that she wants to fix me up with someone she knows, who came to see the play, later expressed interest in me to her.  Kind of makes me feel weird that they just didn’t come up and say hello after the play. But audience members that don’t already know me rarely come up to me after shows, even when I am trying to be as cordial and inviting and friendly as possible.  Of course tonight at rehearsal I was talking to a fellow actor that I don’t know very well and she was just making polite conversation and I talked about myself the entire time never once asking her about herself. My social awkwardness and lack of awareness is something so ingrained in me that I can’t escape it no matter how hard I try to be different.  And I’m still not sure about trying to date again yet. I’ve just gone through a period of time where my sex drive was cr...

Went to bed at 2AM last night and slept in until 11AM. Between an intense early AM workout yesterday, then babysitting, then closing night performance and other running around and general lack of sleep recently I guess my was finally just wore out. Had to pop a few Aleve first thing when I woke up because my muscles hate me right now. Anticipate a lazy day of catching up on laundry and other cleaning. At least the garbage holiday of March 17th is over. Spring starts Tuesday. We seem to have settled into our high 40s in the AM, high 80s in the PM weather pattern. I remember it well from my competitive tennis playing days. Freezing during an early morning match then sweating profusely in the afternoon matches. No rest for the wicked as I start rehearsals for "Pride & Prejudice" on Monday. Very much looking forward to it. Although I'm overly concerned about sticking to my diet well enough to lose a bit of the paunch & belly before having to fit into slimming and ...

I agreed to let my cousin try to set me up. Her husband works with a woman who works with this woman. Don’t remember what she even said her name was. Just told me she is blonde & tall. Has a nine year old kid but the father is very much not in the picture, which I know she mentioned because she knows that kids are not a dealbreaker for me, but that I’m not interested in relationship that comes with built in drama/conflict. She’s a nurse but works part time at this bar, that I’ve been to because I know some other people that work there and have a few friends that are regulars there. I have absolutely zero expectations, but I’m going to be open to it. Why the hell not? Have nothing to lose. And maybe, just maybe it’ll be OK. Even if it isn’t love or anything serious. I’m definitely not looking for causal sex, but I’m very open to anything just above that.

Last night a friend quoted Frank Zappa to me as a way trying to comfort(?) me about my divorce. I had mentioned that St. Patrick's Day was the day when my ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce. “Broken hearts are for assholes.” I mean, yeah, Frank is right. But I was born an asshole. Maybe I don’t even need to work on the broken heart, just work on not being an asshole.

Blah. Life has been very busy, very blah. Opening night tomorrow for my already third play in the first three months of this year. This one has been the trickiest so far. We need at least two more weeks of rehearsal, but that ain't happening. I'm working mostly with a performer that is quite the opposite in style from me, but even though I'm usually quite adaptable this material is strange, dense, and flowery; so it makes it difficult to tell the story without precision. And neither of know the material well enough yet to be able to steer each other without hiccups. Then I'll have two weeks off without rehearsal (YAY!), just performances of this show the next two weekends. Before rehearsals start on "Pride & Prejudice" in which I am playing Mr. Darcy. I am very much looking forward to that. I'll be quite possibly the least attractive man to ever play Jane Austen's most famous romantic foil, but I fucking know this character so well and love...

For the last hour I’ve been on the toilet. Did I somehow accidentally take that prep/cleanse stuff you take before a colonoscopy? I didn’t eat anything with dairy today, but my lactose intolerance is not always a factor in my IBS. Sometimes it is other foods, and sometimes it just nerves. I know, what a catch, huh?  Was a pretty wasted Saturday. That sucks. Tomorrow will fly by and then Monday will be here and I’ll have work & rehearsal & having to go back to the dealership to pick up my new car from the service department, then having until Thursday to decide if I want to keep it or return it.  And it’s still February but I have to go buy a ew window unit AC for my bedroom because my room is too hot and stuffy unless it’s a very cold day, which we’ve had more than usual this winter but winter is almost over.  I get paid on Wednesday and just got my tax return back, so I might just have enough to pay off my one remaining credit card in full. But if I ...

Just had to drop my new car back off at the dealership after it died on me. Fingers crossed it is just something minor, but have an uneasy feeling. They are all very nice and concerned at the dealership, manager extended my return with no penalty date by another week. I had been looking at a few Nissan Sentras with similar prices & milage before I bought the Ford Focus, so that may be an option. I can’t not have a car. This on top of the news yesterday that my mom’s car, which I had been driving for the past year, needs a new transmission. $4k it is going to cost since warranty has expired due to the high mileage I put on it in past few months. I wish I had some Klonopin or Xanax.

Nothing like a Monday morning at work and thinking about how today is the fifth anniversary of your first date with your now ex-wife to officially burst the happy & good we bubble you’ve been living in the past 48 hours.

Yesterday I bought an almost new car. I bought three boxes of Girl Scout cookies. I was officially offered the role of Darcy in an upcoming production of “Pride & Prejudice”, a role I believe I was born to play but didn’t think I would ever get the chance to do. I brought my twin 9 year old cousins that I don’t get the chance to spend a lot of time with to see tonight’s performance of “Cinderella” and afterwards treated all of us to Amy’s ice cream. And then I ended the day with seeing Black Panther. Days that good don’t come along often in a life. I’m humbled and appreciative but will totally understand if I get struck by lightning or diagnosed with a horrible disease next week.

Been sick all week. Started to feel better on Wednesday, but then took a turn for the worse on Thursday. Saw one of the PA's at the medical clinic I work in. Flu and Strep throat tests were negative. Likely an upper respiratory infection. I was running a low grade fever, which is very rare for me even when I have an infection. Started some antibiotics and cough medicine (but not the fun kind with narcotics). Took a sick day on Friday to rest up. Didn't want to risk feeling so bad that I couldn't perform in the final weekend of "Cinderella". I have never missed a show due to illness before. Even did a show last November, a musical revue that I was the MC for, while battling a cold and laryngitis. Probably going to have to spend about $250 for a rental car for this week. My mom’s car, which I use daily since having to sell my car last year, is overdue for some service and has recently started acting up. She’ll be able to get a low cost rental for herself while it ...

What a fucking week. And it's not even over. Not even close. Whew. Trying to not lose sight of the good in all the bad and chaotic swirling around. Just need to find a moment to breathe. To rest.

I shouldn’t always share everything that happens to me. Like what happened to me on the way to the show tonight. Embarrassing and uncomfortable. Nothing dangerous. Perhaps it is helping me in the final performance of this miserable character.  Have to trudge over to a Walmart after the show on the way home to pick up something for my dad since his birthday is tomorrow. He’s never responded to thoughtful & original gifts, so something practical and simple will do.  Nothing really planned for tomorrow. Have to get out and do some looking around & shopping for costume pieces for “Cinderella”. Then basically learn the show this week before opening on Friday. No rest for the wicked. I let slip something last night in casual conversation that was a bit of a dig at a mutual good friend. I’m worried it came off more bitter than it was intended. And that it is going to get back to person I referenced. Ugh. 

Shit the bed tonight at the show. Was just off from the beginning, then I zoned out and missed an entrance, leaving the other actors onstage to improvise a reason to send someone offstage to get me. We had a sold out house and my parents were there, can’t say my part impacts the show that much so it was still well received. But I hate having an off night. Oh well. Got another weekend of “Of Mice & Men” next weekend as we take the show to another small town that has a renovated theater space, but no theater company that produces show. Meanwhile I’ll be grinding away at rehearsals for the production of “Cinderella” that opens on February 9th. Have no idea what kind of costume I have to put together for that. And starting on Monday to work on an original play that is dark & twisted, which I have a lot of dialogue in, that opens in mid-March. Worried I’ll be too burned out once that show is done to be involved with “Pride & Prejudice” in April or “Sweeney Todd” in June. O...

It’s very depressing when most of your socialization is with people that are apathetic and/or mocking toward important things going on in the world. But what else should I expect when they are mostly middle-aged, middle-class white people in Texas. Just because I’m in the Austin area and involved in the performing arts doesn’t mean that I’m not also a very isolated liberal snowflake who feels like he can’t relate to people I spend most of my time with, whether at work or home or within my community. And even when I do meet or befriend someone who claims to be a progressive or whatever, they still have a lot of shitty beliefs that gobsmack me and they don’t care about challenging their beliefs or actually learning, progressing. They are stuck in the 70s thinking the world was perfect then.

Being in rehearsal for two shows and in performances for another all at the same time while also working full time and having an over 125 mile per day commute means I have maybe 45 minutes of wind down time to myself at night. Anxiety is amped up juggling so much work and responsibilities, but I keep telling myself it is worth it and will be good for me in the long run. And eventually, maybe within the next two months I’ll get some time to get back in with my doctor and re-start my meds, which will he’ll a lot. And I’m so busy that I’m only spending money on gas and groceries, so I should be saving money more quickly by not spending much at all on entertainment or other luxuries. If I can get back on my diet. Squeeze in workouts when I can. Stay on track with everything I’m doing. Maybe by summer I’ll have paid down my debt and have gotten myself my own vehicle again, which means I can start saving & looking for my own place to live; and maybe even start looking for a better job a...

Opening night went well. Lost a button on my vest after the fight scene. Had plenty of compliments after the show in how unlikable my character was. Tomorrow night we do a full on Q&A with the audience post show hosted by the local library, which has a book club that just read “Of Mice & Men”. That should be cool. No babysitting this weekend. Can take it easy tomorrow. Will go by fast, as weekends do. 

Horrible final dress rehearsal last night for “Of Mice & Men”. But then again rehearsals have been sluggish the entire time. The director is an actor I’ve worked with in many shows over the past 6 years, but this is the first show I’ve been in that he has directed. He’s been pretty hands off, which isn’t always bad, but this material has a lot of nuance that I don’t think we’re achieving. My character is pretty one dimensional, on purpose, but I think I’ve done enough to give him a little bit of depth. Opening night will be what it will be. Maybe we’ll surprise ourselves. Get no time off. Three weekends of this show. Go right into rehearsals for “Cinderella” next week. I don’t know what I’m doing at all in that play yet. Also already working on an original play that goes up in March that another actor friend has written and is directing (both a first for him). It’s dark, dense, and strange material. Follow that up with possible productions of “Pride & Prejudice” in Ap...

I’ve had two moments today that felt like they were the universe taunting (torturing?) me. I’d like for that to happen less. I try to not pay attention, but that never works. You can’t run away from it. Have to embrace the suck. Own it. Then it can’t hurt you as much. Much easier said than done, of course.

Have written and deleted several times now something to say about Aziz Ansari. I’m disappointed and disgusted in him, but after the icky feeling I had watching Master of None Season 2 I can’t say that I am surprised. I know that as a man, who strives to be a good ally, must remain dedicated to questioning all men (including & especially myself) and listening to all women. And by listening I mean being open to what they have to say, to the experiences they share and most importantly what they want going forward. I can’t just be satisfied with feeling like I know it all and have done nothing wrong so I can just continue to do what I’ve always done.

I’ve been stress eating, not getting back on my diet since the first of the year. Just work and rehearsal and over three hours of driving in the car each day. I have no time for anything else or to even rest properly or exercise. This weekend I absolutely need to decompress. Won’t have another free weekend for at least two months. This past weekend I started organizing my shit and trying to pare down stuff. I wasn’t able to find a storage unit available nearby that was in the size or price range I’m desiring. And I didn’t finish with my big organization project so I’ve got shit all spread out and in deliberate piles. Try to do a little bit each night when I get home. My health insurance is effective now, but I can’t time off from work to go to a doctor until I’ve got six months in, I’m only at 3 months as of this week. Can’t find a primary doctor with evening or weekend hours. I just want to get re-started on my depression and anxiety meds. Been off them for over a year and half no...

I’ve made promises to people that I should and most likely will keep even though I’ve over-extended myself already in this new year. Going to be a very busy first quarter of the year. Trying to not push aside my own agenda for that of others, but there is only so much time, money, and me to go around. I just keep repeating the chain of events in my head over and over to stay focused on my tasks. Finish paying off my debt, then I can save up to get a new car, then I can save up to get my own place to live, then I can save up to find a better job. Piece by piece. One thing leads to another. Won’t happen all at once. Will be a long process, but this is what I want. Not the stagnation I’ve been in. Today I plan on getting a storage unit nearby so I can give my parents back some of the space I’ve been taking up since I moved back in. I donated a few bags of clothes and other items to charity last week, but I can probably find more things to get rid off as well. Lighten my load in areas wh...