June 11th

I started trying to clean & organize my bedroom at 9AM this morning. It’s now midnight and I’m trying to go to bed but did not get nearly far enough with my original task. Now I have to just scootch over enough room to crash out. And deal with the junk on my bed when I have time, like next weekend.

This was meant to be a self-deprecating post, but now I just feel very sad and overwhelmed at how little time I have as of late. Can’t seem to get ahead off or even on schedule with much of anything these days. Always distracted or sidetracked.

After midnight so it is officially June 11th. Which means it is now 8 years since the last time I used any kind of drugs.

I was unemployed and partying with some of my oldest friends from middle school/high school, we decided to cut loose and pretend it was the late night 90s again by throwing a private rave for ourselves at my buddy’s house. I don’t even remember what I took or snorted that. Probably shit I shouldn’t have mixed with ecstasy.

I was 28 at that point and already had cut way back on that type of partying, replacing it with alcohol abuse. I was up all night and had an early morning appointment to do some work painting and cleaning at the old building I was helping some other good friends turn into a new community theatre. The very same place I am appearing in “Sweeney Tood” that opens this Friday, the final show of its 8th season.

I was so exhausted after that day I probably slept for a two days. And can’t say that it was any big “rock bottom” type of moment for me, just took a long break from using since I was trying to get a job and didn’t want a failed drug test to be the reason why I didn’t get hired.

Less than year later I quit smoking cigarettes, too. And another year after that I spent a weekend binge drinking that made me nearly miss a performance of “Rocky Horror Show” an gave me the worst hangover of my life. I realized how pathetic it was to be drinking like that at 30 years old and stared cutting back my drinking.

So a few months later when I started dating my now ex-wife I was already drinking far less than I had previously. And I quickly fell in love and wanted to make smarter, healthier choices for myself so I just kept cutting back more and more. Especially after my father had a pretty bad relapse with his prescription pain medication addiction.

I became a social or special occasion drinker for a while. Then gradually just stopped all together by time I got married in May 2015.

I didn’t relapse with drugs or alcohol even when my business fell apart later and then my marriage did too. Not when I found myself hearbroken, in financial ruin living back with my parents.

Wasn’t until September 2017 when I was celebrating opening night of a new play and a good friend was pouring shots of bourbon that I let myself think “I can probably do this and it will be okay”. I wanted to be a part of the celebration. I took that shot and only that one shot. For the next week my brain was buzzing, wanting me to open the flood gates. Have more drinks, entertain the notion of having other things again.

But I didn’t.

I’ve been through so many ups and downs, so much personal misfortune and failure in the past 8 years. But I have also accomplished some things that I don’t give myself enough credit for. I beat myself up for making bad decisions, self-destructive decisions; but there is so much that was once commonplace in my life that I have escaped.

I can conquer more of my demons.

I know I can.

I can get healthy by staying on my medication, curbing my unhealthy food habits and coping mechanisms. By finding a balance in my life. By making a plan for resolving my money issues and sticking to it, giving it time.

By staying with my current job because although it’s not where I want to be or what I want to be doing, it isn’t going to help me by just leaving when I feel burned out, not until I can leave when I have another job lined up so I don’t have another long period of unemployment that derails everything again.

I can tell people “no” and not feel guiltily about it because I have to take time for myself. I can try to date, but not worry about how it goes right away and not waste my time on pursuing anything that doesn’t make my heart happy.

I can stop doing things that are expected of me, that seem to bring order to the chaos in the short term; and start doing to things that I know I need for myself to be happy in the long term. Even and especially when they are hard things to start with.