Sometimes I think to myself that I should be further along in my post-divorce life but then I think that maybe I was so wrapped up in trying to be a good guy and not be toxic toward my ex - who had every right to not want to be with me anymore for whatever reason - that I haven’t fully processed or grieved what it felt like to trust someone enough to tell them your darkest secrets and reveal a past weakness; one that you had conquered before you even met them; And then have that be one of the major things that scares them off. And this all while you had made yourself so vulnerable to that person in other ways like shutting down your small business because it was overwhelming you and them telling you they wanted you do it and would be there to support you - financially & emotionally - as you worked together to find a new path; but then less than a month later they decided “nah, you’re on your own now. I’m out.”
It’s maybe a week away from it being two years since I’ve last seen in person the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, the woman I thought would be the mother of my children. What (and why) am I still holding on to?
Tomorrow will be 15 years since my younger (and only) brother Travis committed suicide. Two years ago she texted me on that day. Last year, nothing. I have to keep reminding myself of the nothing. There is clearly nothing there anymore on her behalf. Perhaps I need to just think of her as nothing more than a memory, like Travis is now. Not to say she is dead to me, or anything that harsh, or isn’t important to me or that I don’t care. And I never would say that she doesn’t care about me. But we are now absent to one another. My brother will always be a big part of me, no matter how long he is absent from life, which in a few short years will be the majority of my life. And so too it appears that will happens with my ex.
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