So fucking low right now. Like just fell into a big, deep hole of “everything sucks and nothing matters”.
After having only a few brief text interactions with my wife the last ten days, I asked if I could give her a call a short while ago. Had a plan for some of the things I wanted to talk about. Conversation got derailed quickly when she started talking about how the trailers for this new movie “Me Before You” seems to romanticize codependency and depression in regards to relationships. A particular line being “you’re the only reason I have to get out of bed each day” or something to that effect. And she thinks it’s very a toxic way of looking at love, that it’s not actually love.
While I can’t completely disagree with her about that, I also don’t think you can be completely dismissive and judge something on just a snippet of advertising. Perhaps a character is just in a bad place, and we tell people who are depressed that “depression lies” because it does. And the lies are not always as simple as “you are the worst, nobody loves you, stay in bed all day, crying uncontrollably, it will never get better, etc..” Sometimes the lies your depression can tell you are more complicated and doesn’t even seem negative to person suffering from the disease. It can tell you “Hey, it’s not you that’s wrong, it’s everyone else”. Or “Don’t be upset because you can’t feel happy about this thing that other people are happy about, that thing actually sucks and you are the only one who feels the right way about it.”
I don’t know about this particular movie. It could a big pile of steaming toxic relationship bullshit. I just know that when you are depressed, it’s not necessarily the worst thing in the world to have a reason to get out of bed each day. That’s not too say that it is isn’t also problematic, and obviously we’re talking about a situation where someone isn’t healthy to begin with, so there is still work to be done and healing. But is it so terrible for there to be one good thing for someone who is depressed. That doesn’t mean that just one thing and only good thing is going to be able to magically cure them.
I’m rambling on here, and I wasn’t able to say any of this to L because I didn’t want to start an argument because I’m a scared, pathetic, depressed, fuckboy, piece of shit that doesn’t currently have a lot of reasons to get out the bed in the morning. And yeah one of those reasons is hoping that my wife will want to take me back one day, want to reconcile when we are both in a healthier place. It’s not the only reason I get out of bed in the morning, but if I give up on that right now who’s to say I won’t soon be ready to give up on my other reasons for staying alive, which includes outliving my parents so they don’t have the misfortune of outliving both of their sons. There are a few other reasons too, but those are even easier to abandon if I get much lower.
She asked me whether or not I was getting the chance to spend time with friends and family, which I have a little bit, but mostly I’m just cooped up at my parent’s house and my mom works from home and my dad is out of work like me, so there’s just no space or privacy. And I wanted to tell her about how angry and sad I was because I feel like there are people in my life who should be reaching out to me right now, but they aren’t. I had a manic episode the other night where I decided I was going to be proactive and start the reaching out myself, but that’s very difficult for me, so I wanted some advice from her, but I just shut down and couldn’t stop imagining that her rant about the movie trailer had to be connected to some of the feelings she is experiencing right now regarding our relationship. And I don’t know. I just. It all just feels so hopeless. Pointless right now.
Depression lies. Yeah. But how many of you out there, depressed or not, are lying to yourselves about something right now. The truth can be just a damning and depressing. Accepting a hard truth does not always guarantee that you can get passed it. Sometimes that when you decide you’ve had enough of it all. Truth, lies, all of it.
After having only a few brief text interactions with my wife the last ten days, I asked if I could give her a call a short while ago. Had a plan for some of the things I wanted to talk about. Conversation got derailed quickly when she started talking about how the trailers for this new movie “Me Before You” seems to romanticize codependency and depression in regards to relationships. A particular line being “you’re the only reason I have to get out of bed each day” or something to that effect. And she thinks it’s very a toxic way of looking at love, that it’s not actually love.
While I can’t completely disagree with her about that, I also don’t think you can be completely dismissive and judge something on just a snippet of advertising. Perhaps a character is just in a bad place, and we tell people who are depressed that “depression lies” because it does. And the lies are not always as simple as “you are the worst, nobody loves you, stay in bed all day, crying uncontrollably, it will never get better, etc..” Sometimes the lies your depression can tell you are more complicated and doesn’t even seem negative to person suffering from the disease. It can tell you “Hey, it’s not you that’s wrong, it’s everyone else”. Or “Don’t be upset because you can’t feel happy about this thing that other people are happy about, that thing actually sucks and you are the only one who feels the right way about it.”
I don’t know about this particular movie. It could a big pile of steaming toxic relationship bullshit. I just know that when you are depressed, it’s not necessarily the worst thing in the world to have a reason to get out of bed each day. That’s not too say that it is isn’t also problematic, and obviously we’re talking about a situation where someone isn’t healthy to begin with, so there is still work to be done and healing. But is it so terrible for there to be one good thing for someone who is depressed. That doesn’t mean that just one thing and only good thing is going to be able to magically cure them.
I’m rambling on here, and I wasn’t able to say any of this to L because I didn’t want to start an argument because I’m a scared, pathetic, depressed, fuckboy, piece of shit that doesn’t currently have a lot of reasons to get out the bed in the morning. And yeah one of those reasons is hoping that my wife will want to take me back one day, want to reconcile when we are both in a healthier place. It’s not the only reason I get out of bed in the morning, but if I give up on that right now who’s to say I won’t soon be ready to give up on my other reasons for staying alive, which includes outliving my parents so they don’t have the misfortune of outliving both of their sons. There are a few other reasons too, but those are even easier to abandon if I get much lower.
She asked me whether or not I was getting the chance to spend time with friends and family, which I have a little bit, but mostly I’m just cooped up at my parent’s house and my mom works from home and my dad is out of work like me, so there’s just no space or privacy. And I wanted to tell her about how angry and sad I was because I feel like there are people in my life who should be reaching out to me right now, but they aren’t. I had a manic episode the other night where I decided I was going to be proactive and start the reaching out myself, but that’s very difficult for me, so I wanted some advice from her, but I just shut down and couldn’t stop imagining that her rant about the movie trailer had to be connected to some of the feelings she is experiencing right now regarding our relationship. And I don’t know. I just. It all just feels so hopeless. Pointless right now.
Depression lies. Yeah. But how many of you out there, depressed or not, are lying to yourselves about something right now. The truth can be just a damning and depressing. Accepting a hard truth does not always guarantee that you can get passed it. Sometimes that when you decide you’ve had enough of it all. Truth, lies, all of it.
Comments
Post a Comment