I am not OK

It’s not as easy as that, but I wish it was. Just push a button and then you’re okay.

Tonight I am not OK. I don’t know that I’ll ever be OK again, despite what my experience and wisdom have taught me; and the reassurance from everyone I know that says I will be.

I am not OK in a million different ways. I am not OK because I’ve never felt a heartbreak like this before. I’m not OK because I’ve never had a lover like her before. I’ve never had a healthy, happy, and fulfilling sex life before and now it has been taken away from me. I am not OK because I struggled for over 20 years with shame and self-hatred for the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, and once I found myself finally being able to shed away those anxieties I was rejected and thrown aside, just as always had been my greatest fear. I am not OK because I worry that all the progress I made will be evaporated.

I am not OK because I am still deeply in love with and devoted to a woman that most of my family now despises and they try to hide those feelings from me. I am not OK because everything that feels right and true to me does not feel the same to those around me. I am not OK because my wife told me that I should find my truth and live into it to find happiness, and that she would do the same; but it feels like my truth is just pain and sadness and loss while hers is relief & hope.

I am not OK because I have never felt this way before. I am not OK because I am obsessed. I am not OK because I am sick. I am not OK because it's not fucking easy to feel worthy, when the thing that has brought the most happiness and joy into your life, the thing that has inspired you and given you more courage and strength in your life that anything else before is diminished. I am not OK because I was told that I was wrong to feel the way I felt. I am not OK because I am open to forgiveness and healing and feel like I was never truly given consideration to be forgiven myself.

I am not OK because I feel completely alone in this world. I am not OK because I felt completely alone for most of my life and was told that was unhealthy. I am not OK because I am being told that it is also unhealthy for me to feel less alone because I love someone. Someone who either doesn't love me anymore or thinks my love is toxic and unhealthy to her.

I am not OK because while I believe that I am right, I know enough to know that I could be very wrong. And if the truth is that I am wrong, that I am toxic to her and she can never be happy with me, and I can never be happy without her. Then why I am even fighting? Why I am even waiting? If my vows are broken because of who I am. And what I can't change about myself makes me unable to keep those vows, then how could there ever be anyone else for me? How am I supposed to find and live into this truth that will bring me this happiness everyone keeps telling me.

It was a miracle I even found it once, even if I'm the only one who sees it that way.

I am not OK because I fear death greatly, and I fear that I have lived a meaningless and forgettable existence. I am not OK because despite my fear of death I also very much wish it would come as soon as possible. I am not OK because I can't consider taking my own life, despite its appeal.

I am not OK because this isn't supposed to be OK.