A Recent Chronology of Stream Consciousness Journaling, Part II: The D Word
At the end of today’s marriage counseling session it was clear that we are both ready to proceed with the first steps to ending our union. It’s amicable and the healthiest choice presently, but not any less heartbreaking and painstaking. I don’t even know what the first step is. Maybe we start sleeping in separate rooms. Maybe she’ll want me to move out soon and begin a trial separation. I myself and us together can’t exactly afford that right now.
I don’t know when we’ll announce it to our family & friends, and then at what point the public in general. I don’t have any experience in this. Will we have to get our own lawyer each? How much does it cost to get divorced? We don’t want to be out of each others lives forever, but how much time and space should we allow ourselves at the beginning.
We had a good love story. It was a sweeping and whirlwind love affair at beginning, and then suddenly and early on we were forced into a Long Distance Relationship. We both kept our heads in the sand about our problems. Always thinking it would get better. It would get better when we were living in the same town again. It would get better once the stress of the wedding was over. It didn’t. It got worse. We still love each other. And we were very good for each other for a moment. But not anymore. We’re not good for each other in the long run or much of the right now.
I have a lot of work still be done on myself, as does she. That doesn’t mean that we’re holding out any hope of reconciliation down the road, because that isn’t what this about. I do wish I hadn’t been so bold as to quit my job two weeks ago. Going to have to liquidate some assets (AKA garage sale & pawn shop visits).
In less than a month I will be 34 years old with a marriage ending, no job, no place of my own, and only a few nickels to rub together. I will be starting over again. The one thing I didn’t want to have to do ever again. This isn’t the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but it is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through where I actually have a modicum of control. I’m not sure that gives me solace, but I will try to hold onto it. - March 17, 2016
That is the writing of a man deeply hurt and deeply in denial. Two things I have had plenty of experience with. A man immediately shifting into damage control and pretending that everything is going as planned, everything as it is supposed to be. Paint as pretty of picture with those words as you can hoping to hold off what boils underneath. I was truly in shock for three days before it finally all hit me. My wife remarked at how surprised she was by my initially taking the news so well. I regret deeply that I misled her in those first few days, falling right back into the trap of hiding my true feelings so as not to upset or the order how things were proceeding. A few days later I was already seeing things much differently.
Today has been rough for me. I feel like a dead man walking. I am trying to give her what she wants, what I know she has been wanting for a while, but I’m realizing how in shock I am by how quickly it has come to this. I have to smile and make small talk and deflect personal questions with our friends and community here. It’s gut wrenching. I see that she has a support system that will be here for her when all is revealed, but I have no idea what I am doing next. No job, no savings, a car with too many miles on it. Not many vices left that I can distract myself with. - March 20, 2016
Upon the initial shock wearing off I found myself battling anger, confusion, and sadness. I begin to imagine what this all was going to mean from a practical standpoint. Asking myself questions like "How much longer will I be living here?", "What are we going to do about money and taxes?", "How is our family going to take the news?", and even though it is slightly embarrassing to admit but I remember asking my wife "Have we already had sex together for the last time?". She got a giggle out of that, and I deflected it as if I were joking but in fact I was deeply troubled and scared of that question. It's just another aspect of my life that I was losing. The only sexual partner I had ever had that I was in love with and loved me in return. The healthiest and happiest sex life I had ever been a part of, which is saying a lot for someone with my sexual history, whether it was things in or out of my control.
At this point we had made the decision to wait until the Monday after Easter to travel to the Austin area and deliver this painful news to my parents, and her her parents and sister & brother-in-law in person.
So yesterday we broke the news to my parents, and to L’s parents and sister & brother-in-law. It was excruciating. My mother despite knowing that we were having problems reacted by running to the bathroom and vomiting. My father was quiet and withdrawn and instantly blaming himself as being a bad father. They were sad, angry, and didn’t understand why we were making this choice.
Things went better while speaking to L’s family. They were also very sad to hear the news, but were supportive of us both and hopeful that we will each be better, healthier, and stronger as result of the painful decision and the very hard work we still have to do.
This morning checking back in with my parents and they are even more angry and upset, saying they don’t want to have anything to do with L anymore and feel like this is her choice and I’m just going along with it. Which is not true. I am clear and confident in this choice being the healthiest for each us now and long term. I know that my parents would never admit it but they are upset that they did not have the courage to end their own marriage any of the many many times they should have. Their guilt and regret and shame for past mistakes is so deeply entrenched, and I can’t make the decision for them work on those issues. But I am making that choice for myself, because I do want to be happy and healthy and the best version of me possible. - March 29, 2016
That was very difficult and long day. Again I feel like I was in fact mostly just going along with what L wanted. I knew how my parents would react and the hardest part was knowing that I did actually agree with them somewhat but was afraid to admit that myself and afraid of how L would react to that. I did want to be happy and healthy, as I stated above, but I did not believe that divorce was the best path for that. I was being a coward by once again not speaking up, telling my own truth fully. I wanted to believe that we were making the right decision but I was taking so much on faith because I knew L was so resolute in her decision.
I am even more deeply ashamed that when we spoke to L's family about the decision to get divorced I told them about my past history of abuse, and how I had kept it hidden from my parents and even my own wife until recently. They were incredibly supportive upon hearing this news and thought I was being brave and strong by sharing that with them. But deep down I felt like I was being manipulative. I felt like I was trying soften the blow of the divorce news with this new and completely unexpected personal reveal. I was also somehow hoping that by being open with them regarding my abuse maybe L would reconsider. Maybe I still had time to reverse course by showing her I would take those big and hard steps, which is of course ridiculous since I was at that exact moment not even being honest about my own feelings processing what she was asking for. There was likely nothing I could have said or done at that point, and perhaps all I did was further cement my fate.
Going forward there was no way this was going to be anything but an absolutely fucking terrible. I had no choice but try and compartmentalize as much of the pain as I could and follow L's lead, since I was still so afraid of making her hate me or making feel worse than she already did.
I don’t know when we’ll announce it to our family & friends, and then at what point the public in general. I don’t have any experience in this. Will we have to get our own lawyer each? How much does it cost to get divorced? We don’t want to be out of each others lives forever, but how much time and space should we allow ourselves at the beginning.
We had a good love story. It was a sweeping and whirlwind love affair at beginning, and then suddenly and early on we were forced into a Long Distance Relationship. We both kept our heads in the sand about our problems. Always thinking it would get better. It would get better when we were living in the same town again. It would get better once the stress of the wedding was over. It didn’t. It got worse. We still love each other. And we were very good for each other for a moment. But not anymore. We’re not good for each other in the long run or much of the right now.
I have a lot of work still be done on myself, as does she. That doesn’t mean that we’re holding out any hope of reconciliation down the road, because that isn’t what this about. I do wish I hadn’t been so bold as to quit my job two weeks ago. Going to have to liquidate some assets (AKA garage sale & pawn shop visits).
In less than a month I will be 34 years old with a marriage ending, no job, no place of my own, and only a few nickels to rub together. I will be starting over again. The one thing I didn’t want to have to do ever again. This isn’t the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but it is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through where I actually have a modicum of control. I’m not sure that gives me solace, but I will try to hold onto it. - March 17, 2016
That is the writing of a man deeply hurt and deeply in denial. Two things I have had plenty of experience with. A man immediately shifting into damage control and pretending that everything is going as planned, everything as it is supposed to be. Paint as pretty of picture with those words as you can hoping to hold off what boils underneath. I was truly in shock for three days before it finally all hit me. My wife remarked at how surprised she was by my initially taking the news so well. I regret deeply that I misled her in those first few days, falling right back into the trap of hiding my true feelings so as not to upset or the order how things were proceeding. A few days later I was already seeing things much differently.
Today has been rough for me. I feel like a dead man walking. I am trying to give her what she wants, what I know she has been wanting for a while, but I’m realizing how in shock I am by how quickly it has come to this. I have to smile and make small talk and deflect personal questions with our friends and community here. It’s gut wrenching. I see that she has a support system that will be here for her when all is revealed, but I have no idea what I am doing next. No job, no savings, a car with too many miles on it. Not many vices left that I can distract myself with. - March 20, 2016
Upon the initial shock wearing off I found myself battling anger, confusion, and sadness. I begin to imagine what this all was going to mean from a practical standpoint. Asking myself questions like "How much longer will I be living here?", "What are we going to do about money and taxes?", "How is our family going to take the news?", and even though it is slightly embarrassing to admit but I remember asking my wife "Have we already had sex together for the last time?". She got a giggle out of that, and I deflected it as if I were joking but in fact I was deeply troubled and scared of that question. It's just another aspect of my life that I was losing. The only sexual partner I had ever had that I was in love with and loved me in return. The healthiest and happiest sex life I had ever been a part of, which is saying a lot for someone with my sexual history, whether it was things in or out of my control.
At this point we had made the decision to wait until the Monday after Easter to travel to the Austin area and deliver this painful news to my parents, and her her parents and sister & brother-in-law in person.
So yesterday we broke the news to my parents, and to L’s parents and sister & brother-in-law. It was excruciating. My mother despite knowing that we were having problems reacted by running to the bathroom and vomiting. My father was quiet and withdrawn and instantly blaming himself as being a bad father. They were sad, angry, and didn’t understand why we were making this choice.
Things went better while speaking to L’s family. They were also very sad to hear the news, but were supportive of us both and hopeful that we will each be better, healthier, and stronger as result of the painful decision and the very hard work we still have to do.
This morning checking back in with my parents and they are even more angry and upset, saying they don’t want to have anything to do with L anymore and feel like this is her choice and I’m just going along with it. Which is not true. I am clear and confident in this choice being the healthiest for each us now and long term. I know that my parents would never admit it but they are upset that they did not have the courage to end their own marriage any of the many many times they should have. Their guilt and regret and shame for past mistakes is so deeply entrenched, and I can’t make the decision for them work on those issues. But I am making that choice for myself, because I do want to be happy and healthy and the best version of me possible. - March 29, 2016
That was very difficult and long day. Again I feel like I was in fact mostly just going along with what L wanted. I knew how my parents would react and the hardest part was knowing that I did actually agree with them somewhat but was afraid to admit that myself and afraid of how L would react to that. I did want to be happy and healthy, as I stated above, but I did not believe that divorce was the best path for that. I was being a coward by once again not speaking up, telling my own truth fully. I wanted to believe that we were making the right decision but I was taking so much on faith because I knew L was so resolute in her decision.
I am even more deeply ashamed that when we spoke to L's family about the decision to get divorced I told them about my past history of abuse, and how I had kept it hidden from my parents and even my own wife until recently. They were incredibly supportive upon hearing this news and thought I was being brave and strong by sharing that with them. But deep down I felt like I was being manipulative. I felt like I was trying soften the blow of the divorce news with this new and completely unexpected personal reveal. I was also somehow hoping that by being open with them regarding my abuse maybe L would reconsider. Maybe I still had time to reverse course by showing her I would take those big and hard steps, which is of course ridiculous since I was at that exact moment not even being honest about my own feelings processing what she was asking for. There was likely nothing I could have said or done at that point, and perhaps all I did was further cement my fate.
Going forward there was no way this was going to be anything but an absolutely fucking terrible. I had no choice but try and compartmentalize as much of the pain as I could and follow L's lead, since I was still so afraid of making her hate me or making feel worse than she already did.
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