A breakthrough?
Maybe this is just the insomnia right now, but I suddenly find myself so fucking angry that barely any of my friends or family have reached out either at all or in a significant way since my divorce was announced and I moved back home with my parents.
My parents are doing their best, and giving me space to deal with my emotions, not forcing me into conversations or dumping their own baggage on me, as has been the pattern in past for when hard times hit our family.
My cousin Stephanie has been great, checking in on me regularly and offering support, all the while taking care of her own family and recently finding out she is pregnant (her third overall, first in 8 years). But I have a lot of cousins, and big family, and l’ve just moved back into a community where I have deep roots, but it feels like I am a ghost.
Is this just how the world and people in my life see me? Have I cultivated this stand off-ish, lone wolf persona so much that people are afraid to break the ice with me? I have no idea what I would want them to say or do, but I guess I just want to be recognized.
The community I just left behind after spending most of the last 3 years getting to know and becoming a part of didn’t exactly embrace me as I moved on during this awkward and painful time.
And I understand that is mostly due to me withdrawing myself the last two months as I was still in shock over and trying to come to grips about what was happening and why, but even then I know that community does care for me and wish me the best, and they are taking up the duty of looking after the woman I love so much and being her immediate support system during this transition for her.
And my wife’s family has been gracious and shown me love and support, even if I have had to distance myself from them now too, at least temporarily while they also make themselves available to to help L as much as possible.
I guess this is all fruit from the same poison tree that led my wife to leaving me. She could no longer envision a future for us because our paths for the growth of our intimacy and relationship were not in synch like they were when we first started dating and fell in love. I was deliberate and withdrawn, and prone to bouts of cynicism and worry and an extreme lack self-confidence or belief.
It’s hard to live with and love someone battling those issues, especially if you are not always in the best place mentally or emotionally yourself. It was taxing on her to constantly be the light in my life and she felt she couldn’t live up to it.
She worried about my pattern of self-destructiveness and overcompensating with a dogged pursuit of duty and care-taking for others instead of taking care of myself. And this in turn weighed on her and made her feel as though she was having to grind away at me.
I of course can not speak entirely for her, but I have been trying my best to understand her point of view and not simply lay the blame solely on myself for the sake of reinforcing my worst mental & emotional functions. That everything is my fault and I don’t deserve to be happy.
She told me that she believes that I think I am happy being with her but that she doesn’t think that is true, that it’s a falsehood I have convinced myself of due to my psychological default being that I just accept a situation regardless of how unhealthy it might be at the time because I feel like I don’t deserve any better.
That is where I absolutely disagree with her and get most angry at her. The insinuation she has made that I have not been or can never be the best version of myself with her is so incredibly hurtful. And untrue. It’s possible that is she who feels that way about herself and our relationship. That she just isn’t happy and can’t see herself ever truly being happy again with me. No matter how much work we might try to put into it and despite the fact that she does care about me so much and had been so happy with me for a period.
If that is so, well it is difficult to hear and disheartening but I can accept that. It crushes me, but I love her and I accept that. What I can’t accept is her thinking that I feel even remotely the same. I still love her as much today amongst all this pain and strife as I ever have. The faults I have, the mistakes I’ve made have been only due to a lack of self-love. One deeply routed in my past history of trauma and abuses that I still need to heel from. I know I have so much work to do in that area, and I took too long to show her that I was capable and ready to change that part of my life for the better, for myself and for us.
There have been plenty of days since we met that I hated myself, but every single one of those of days my love for her was not diminished one bit. I had faith and hope that I would be able to erode the barrier of doubt and distrust I built up around my own self-image. That I could become a person who loved and accepted myself so much more that the burden of relying on her love for me or my love for her would be lessened. It would not be crutch, it could be the thing that lifted me to heights and goals and a life I had never dared to dream for myself before. And that it would be soothing we did together. Each of us strong on our own, and then so incredibly stronger together.
And yes, I know that you could poke holes in this entire emotional plea. I knew that we are different enough people that she needs more than just ideas and promises. She is a woman of plans and actions. And it is a struggle for her that I take a more reactionary and passive role in how my life unfolds, but that is only because I didn’t actually know what I wanted and even if I did It seemed fruitless to try. I expected the worst, or expected nothing at all which is probably even more damaging.
But I have perspective now. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to stand idly by and let my life become this. I am going change my way of thinking into a type of thinking that leads to doing. I will probably fail more than I succeed along the way, but I am going to figure it out and I am going to live as boldly and loudly for as long I can.
And it starts now. I am going to reach out to those I love and care about and let them know I am hurting, let them know I am open to and hoping for their support as I move forward.
It starts now.
Well it starts after I finally get some sleep. Wish me luck dear friends and readers. I hope you each find and can hang onto the love you need in your life. The love for yourself that you deserve most of all.
My parents are doing their best, and giving me space to deal with my emotions, not forcing me into conversations or dumping their own baggage on me, as has been the pattern in past for when hard times hit our family.
My cousin Stephanie has been great, checking in on me regularly and offering support, all the while taking care of her own family and recently finding out she is pregnant (her third overall, first in 8 years). But I have a lot of cousins, and big family, and l’ve just moved back into a community where I have deep roots, but it feels like I am a ghost.
Is this just how the world and people in my life see me? Have I cultivated this stand off-ish, lone wolf persona so much that people are afraid to break the ice with me? I have no idea what I would want them to say or do, but I guess I just want to be recognized.
The community I just left behind after spending most of the last 3 years getting to know and becoming a part of didn’t exactly embrace me as I moved on during this awkward and painful time.
And I understand that is mostly due to me withdrawing myself the last two months as I was still in shock over and trying to come to grips about what was happening and why, but even then I know that community does care for me and wish me the best, and they are taking up the duty of looking after the woman I love so much and being her immediate support system during this transition for her.
And my wife’s family has been gracious and shown me love and support, even if I have had to distance myself from them now too, at least temporarily while they also make themselves available to to help L as much as possible.
I guess this is all fruit from the same poison tree that led my wife to leaving me. She could no longer envision a future for us because our paths for the growth of our intimacy and relationship were not in synch like they were when we first started dating and fell in love. I was deliberate and withdrawn, and prone to bouts of cynicism and worry and an extreme lack self-confidence or belief.
It’s hard to live with and love someone battling those issues, especially if you are not always in the best place mentally or emotionally yourself. It was taxing on her to constantly be the light in my life and she felt she couldn’t live up to it.
She worried about my pattern of self-destructiveness and overcompensating with a dogged pursuit of duty and care-taking for others instead of taking care of myself. And this in turn weighed on her and made her feel as though she was having to grind away at me.
I of course can not speak entirely for her, but I have been trying my best to understand her point of view and not simply lay the blame solely on myself for the sake of reinforcing my worst mental & emotional functions. That everything is my fault and I don’t deserve to be happy.
She told me that she believes that I think I am happy being with her but that she doesn’t think that is true, that it’s a falsehood I have convinced myself of due to my psychological default being that I just accept a situation regardless of how unhealthy it might be at the time because I feel like I don’t deserve any better.
That is where I absolutely disagree with her and get most angry at her. The insinuation she has made that I have not been or can never be the best version of myself with her is so incredibly hurtful. And untrue. It’s possible that is she who feels that way about herself and our relationship. That she just isn’t happy and can’t see herself ever truly being happy again with me. No matter how much work we might try to put into it and despite the fact that she does care about me so much and had been so happy with me for a period.
If that is so, well it is difficult to hear and disheartening but I can accept that. It crushes me, but I love her and I accept that. What I can’t accept is her thinking that I feel even remotely the same. I still love her as much today amongst all this pain and strife as I ever have. The faults I have, the mistakes I’ve made have been only due to a lack of self-love. One deeply routed in my past history of trauma and abuses that I still need to heel from. I know I have so much work to do in that area, and I took too long to show her that I was capable and ready to change that part of my life for the better, for myself and for us.
There have been plenty of days since we met that I hated myself, but every single one of those of days my love for her was not diminished one bit. I had faith and hope that I would be able to erode the barrier of doubt and distrust I built up around my own self-image. That I could become a person who loved and accepted myself so much more that the burden of relying on her love for me or my love for her would be lessened. It would not be crutch, it could be the thing that lifted me to heights and goals and a life I had never dared to dream for myself before. And that it would be soothing we did together. Each of us strong on our own, and then so incredibly stronger together.
And yes, I know that you could poke holes in this entire emotional plea. I knew that we are different enough people that she needs more than just ideas and promises. She is a woman of plans and actions. And it is a struggle for her that I take a more reactionary and passive role in how my life unfolds, but that is only because I didn’t actually know what I wanted and even if I did It seemed fruitless to try. I expected the worst, or expected nothing at all which is probably even more damaging.
But I have perspective now. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to stand idly by and let my life become this. I am going change my way of thinking into a type of thinking that leads to doing. I will probably fail more than I succeed along the way, but I am going to figure it out and I am going to live as boldly and loudly for as long I can.
And it starts now. I am going to reach out to those I love and care about and let them know I am hurting, let them know I am open to and hoping for their support as I move forward.
It starts now.
Well it starts after I finally get some sleep. Wish me luck dear friends and readers. I hope you each find and can hang onto the love you need in your life. The love for yourself that you deserve most of all.
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