A letter I wrote but did not send.
I'm sorry for keeping things from you. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. I'm sorry I didn't stand up for myself. I'm sorry I didn't take better care of myself. I'm sorry I didn't realize you were so unhappy. I’m sorry I made you believe that I was okay with it all the way it was. I’m sorry I shut down so quickly when you asked for a divorce.
But I'm not sorry for feeling how I feel. I'm not sorry that I miss you, that I think about you so much, that I still love you, and still want you. I’m not sorry that I’ve been angry at you. I'm not sorry that I’ve wallowed in pity. That I’ve screamed and cried until I could no longer breathe. Not sorry that I've tried to be zen and choose hope. That I've prayed and prayed. That I will continue to pray. That I will continue trying to find my truth and be honest about it. And yes, I will probably even make some of the same mistakes again and I’m not sorry about that either.
I'm not sorry that I am an anxious and depressed person, and I know that it is mostly out of my control. But I am sorry for not showing you that I can and want to be better, to be happy, to be healthy.
I'm so sorry for ever making you feel unwanted or insecure about yourself physically. I dream of you and I long for your touch. I never had a sexual relationship of any kind before you that I didn't feel ashamed of. I never had a satisfying and fulfilling sexual relationship before you. I didn't know how to sustain it and was afraid to ask, mostly because I was afraid I didn't measure up.
I don’t think this is a “you don’t know what you got until it’s gone” situation but more of a “you don’t know how good it could have been until you realize how wrong you were getting it.” I can forgive myself and forgive you for the ways we have wrong each other. It’s hard to do, but I can do it. I have done it. I love you and nothing has happened to change that. And I’m still naive or stubborn enough to believe that matters.
Sixteen days. I’ve missed being with you, missed knowing what is going on with your life. How you are feeling, what you are doing. Sixteen days. I’ve wanted to tell you how I am doing. I’ve wanted to share with you what is making me happy and what is making me sad.
I miss our home. I miss P.J. and F.E. I miss the good, the bad, the mundane aspects of our life together. I miss going to church. I miss hearing you preach. I miss the Valley breezes and palm trees. I miss not knowing whether or not my ears are thoroughly clean.
Sixteen days of wishing I had another chance. Another chance to embrace my dreams, your dreams, our dreams together.
I have not come back home. I've only returned to a place that was once home. A place filled with as much bad memories as good. It’s only been 16 days, but I already know that I there is no going forward for me here.
Only going backwards, or worse yet, staying put. I won't let that happen, regardless of whether or not I ever get another chance with you. I know you worry and feel guilty about this, but I promise you I have not resigned to defeat on either front.
I promise I won't stop trying to save myself and I won’t give up on something that still means so much to me. Not yet. I’ve had too much taken out of my hands my entire life because I didn’t hold on tight enough. I know I tried to skip some steps along the way, but I will do the work and fill in those gaps, make myself into the person that didn’t just happen into something good that he didn’t think he deserved. I do know what I want and deserve. I might never be able to have it again but I’m not ashamed for wanting to fight for something, even if I am completely wrong and it is a total lost cause. I'm not sorry for wanting another chance.
I don’t know how you are going to feel reading this, and I wouldn’t presume to tell you how to feel or what to do. I may have just written around in circles and this all nonsensical gibberish. I know you worry that your baggage and my baggage can not coexist but I disagree. I think we can be stronger and better on our own and together. I know we are both capable of it. I know that I want it.
I have to send this. Even if it hurts you, even if it further cements everything that you already feel and know in your heart but I don’t want to accept or hear. I hope that is not the case, but I can’t escape my own resistance as it stands now. If I am to be a man of passion then I am also to be a man of action. I have always believed in redemption & reconciliation, but have not truly lived into either yet. I will have one if I can not have the other. Although I am be so bold as to want for both.
Your devoted and determined love,
Jon-Michael
But I'm not sorry for feeling how I feel. I'm not sorry that I miss you, that I think about you so much, that I still love you, and still want you. I’m not sorry that I’ve been angry at you. I'm not sorry that I’ve wallowed in pity. That I’ve screamed and cried until I could no longer breathe. Not sorry that I've tried to be zen and choose hope. That I've prayed and prayed. That I will continue to pray. That I will continue trying to find my truth and be honest about it. And yes, I will probably even make some of the same mistakes again and I’m not sorry about that either.
I'm not sorry that I am an anxious and depressed person, and I know that it is mostly out of my control. But I am sorry for not showing you that I can and want to be better, to be happy, to be healthy.
I'm so sorry for ever making you feel unwanted or insecure about yourself physically. I dream of you and I long for your touch. I never had a sexual relationship of any kind before you that I didn't feel ashamed of. I never had a satisfying and fulfilling sexual relationship before you. I didn't know how to sustain it and was afraid to ask, mostly because I was afraid I didn't measure up.
I don’t think this is a “you don’t know what you got until it’s gone” situation but more of a “you don’t know how good it could have been until you realize how wrong you were getting it.” I can forgive myself and forgive you for the ways we have wrong each other. It’s hard to do, but I can do it. I have done it. I love you and nothing has happened to change that. And I’m still naive or stubborn enough to believe that matters.
Sixteen days. I’ve missed being with you, missed knowing what is going on with your life. How you are feeling, what you are doing. Sixteen days. I’ve wanted to tell you how I am doing. I’ve wanted to share with you what is making me happy and what is making me sad.
I miss our home. I miss P.J. and F.E. I miss the good, the bad, the mundane aspects of our life together. I miss going to church. I miss hearing you preach. I miss the Valley breezes and palm trees. I miss not knowing whether or not my ears are thoroughly clean.
Sixteen days of wishing I had another chance. Another chance to embrace my dreams, your dreams, our dreams together.
I have not come back home. I've only returned to a place that was once home. A place filled with as much bad memories as good. It’s only been 16 days, but I already know that I there is no going forward for me here.
Only going backwards, or worse yet, staying put. I won't let that happen, regardless of whether or not I ever get another chance with you. I know you worry and feel guilty about this, but I promise you I have not resigned to defeat on either front.
I promise I won't stop trying to save myself and I won’t give up on something that still means so much to me. Not yet. I’ve had too much taken out of my hands my entire life because I didn’t hold on tight enough. I know I tried to skip some steps along the way, but I will do the work and fill in those gaps, make myself into the person that didn’t just happen into something good that he didn’t think he deserved. I do know what I want and deserve. I might never be able to have it again but I’m not ashamed for wanting to fight for something, even if I am completely wrong and it is a total lost cause. I'm not sorry for wanting another chance.
I don’t know how you are going to feel reading this, and I wouldn’t presume to tell you how to feel or what to do. I may have just written around in circles and this all nonsensical gibberish. I know you worry that your baggage and my baggage can not coexist but I disagree. I think we can be stronger and better on our own and together. I know we are both capable of it. I know that I want it.
I have to send this. Even if it hurts you, even if it further cements everything that you already feel and know in your heart but I don’t want to accept or hear. I hope that is not the case, but I can’t escape my own resistance as it stands now. If I am to be a man of passion then I am also to be a man of action. I have always believed in redemption & reconciliation, but have not truly lived into either yet. I will have one if I can not have the other. Although I am be so bold as to want for both.
Your devoted and determined love,
Jon-Michael
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