Mixed bag kind of Monday

Today was the first time I have been contacted by L since our official separation (as in the day we were no longer living in the same house or even city). It's been ten days. I have texted her few times since then with brief interactions, but no phone calls and she hasn't been the one to initiate contact until today's text from her. It ended up being rather innocuous. She was trying to get some information about Marvel Comics character Captain America, as in information about what his moral compass and values are on a human level. She had an event today with some youth groups that had been to see the new Captain America movie. I was happy to give her a few tidbits. I guess it was not anything that she couldn't glean from scanning a few Wikipedia pages or film reviews, but she asked me. Don't want to read anything more into it than that.

But I guess I was in a bit of weird mood soon after and found myself suddenly having an anxiety attack verging on a full blown panic attack, but I took some Xanax right away and that numbed things down quickly.

I think I do a pretty good job of compartmentalizing my passion for supporting good people trying to make the world a better place for the oppressed, underrepresented, and by extension everyone; and the misanthropy I feel toward myself and toward bad people trying to make an already tough world even harder to live in.

Even on my darkest days, when I absolutely hate myself or hate the terrible things and awful people of this world, it never fully makes me sour on the hope and joy of the best of our kind out there fighting the good fight.

Makes me think the only thing I truly need to work on is my difficulty with self-love and confidence. Because I am definitely satisfied with the other two ways of living I just explained.