After Burn

I'm sorry for keeping things from you. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. I'm sorry I didn't stand up for myself. I'm sorry I didn't take better care of myself. I'm sorry I didn't realize you were so unhappy. I’m sorry I made you believe that I was okay with it all the way it was. I’m sorry I shut down so quickly when you asked for a divorce. But I'm not sorry for feeling how I feel. I'm not sorry that I miss you, that I think about you so much, that I still love you, and still want you. I’m not sorry that I’ve been angry at you. I'm not sorry that I’ve wallowed in pity. That I’ve screamed and cried until I could no longer breathe. Not sorry that I've tried to be zen and choose hope. That I've prayed and prayed. That I will continue to pray. That I will continue trying to find my truth and be honest about it. And yes, I will probably even make some of the same mistakes again and I’m not sorry about that either. I'm not sorr...

My mom is the only person who has asked me how I’m doing today. Of course she already knew the answer, but asked anyway. One of my groomsmen texted me this morning, but it was to ask a simple question about something totally trivial. I know it’s a Memorial Day, but fuck I’m drowning over here in my sea of emotions and the whole world seems indifferent. The people who are supposed to care about me and support me and the people who were one year ago today celebrating my wedding with me are nowhere to be found. I understand it’s hard for people, and maybe they are thinking of me but worry that reaching out would just upset me. And that’s probably my fault for conditioning them to believe that about me. It’s one of the many reasons I’m in the position I am. Why a woman that I love so much and who loved me and vowed to be with me forever couldn’t keep that promise. Because she couldn’t trust that I would allow myself to be the best version of myself with her, and that really put a d...

It’s not as easy as that, but I wish it was. Just push a button and then you’re okay. Tonight I am not OK. I don’t know that I’ll ever be OK again, despite what my experience and wisdom have taught me; and the reassurance from everyone I know that says I will be. I am not OK in a million different ways. I am not OK because I’ve never felt a heartbreak like this before. I’m not OK because I’ve never had a lover like her before. I’ve never had a healthy, happy, and fulfilling sex life before and now it has been taken away from me. I am not OK because I struggled for over 20 years with shame and self-hatred for the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, and once I found myself finally being able to shed away those anxieties I was rejected and thrown aside, just as always had been my greatest fear. I am not OK because I worry that all the progress I made will be evaporated. I am not OK because I am still deeply in love with and devoted to a woman that most of my family now despises a...

I much prefer the roller coasters in amusement parks to those in everyday life. I don't know maybe it is unavoidable. I guess we just want to find someone who we can the ride the roller coaster with. Someone who doesn't want to jump off after the first series of twists and turns.

I’ve tried to live my life with a philosophy of “if it’s not meant to be, then it’s not meant to be, something else will come along and when it’s right, it will be right.” That has served me well enough, or perhaps has been effective in giving me reason not to feel too sorry for myself at the many failures and false starts I’ve endured. I can’t change the past and there is truly no good to come from dwelling on it too long, but for the present, for the here & now in which I find myself I have never wanted to reject this way of thinking more. I want to be bold and take action toward what I want. I don’t want to be a passive spectator in my life, letting others tell me why and what for.

Just got an email from 1800Flowers that my debit card was declined on an order I had placed with them. Now, I get a few emails everyday from 1800Flowers about special offers and I usually delete them without opening. I am glad I opened this one, because I had forgotten about the order I placed, which was for a series of bouquets to go to my wife on the occasion of our one year Wedding anniversary this coming Monday. I placed this order back in February after we had a lackluster Valentines Day celebration. I was still working at the time and we were in the early stages of couples counseling, but I thought we were making progress. We never took a proper and complete honeymoon, and our original plan to take that special trip for our first anniversary fizzled due to financial and scheduling issues. Even still I had set out to make the anniversary as romantic and celebratory as I could, so I wasted no time in taking advantage of post-Valentines sales offers to place my orders of flowers...

Every car ride I take alone turns into a therapy session with myself. I can't listen to music. I can't enjoy the view. I talk out loud. I cry. I scream. I say things I wish I could remember after the ride is over. It's a catharsis, but it's also exhausting.  I have been blogging and writing and journaling up a storm lately but surprisingly I am not embarrassed by any of it. I have to fucking feel it all. Holding back is a big reason why I am where I am. I’m not close to being able to accept and move on from things, have no clue when or if I will get there. No matter how much reassurance I get from other people. All I know is I am fucking staying in it until I get everything I need from it. I want every scar I end up with to be well earned. I am not taking any shortcuts.  There is a well-known David Foster Wallace quote from his masterpiece Infinite Jest that goes "Everything I ever let go of has claw marks on it". Funny thing is that quote in context of ...

Sometimes you have to go through the motions. Earlier tonight I walked into rehearsal for a play for the first time in 3 years. I was and will continue to be asked variations of  “How are you doing?” and “Are you happy to be back?” Not easy to answer those questions. I am not unhappy to be there in particular, but I am unhappy about the circumstances that find me back there at this time. I wonder if it is possible to allow some modicum of  happiness to coexist when we are dealing with circumstances that find us deeply unhappy. The sweet & sour of life. And to use a Chinese food reference in a metaphor is just about as "me" as it can get. It's a delicate balance to not let new happiness be squelched by a prevailing sadness. And yet you don't want to let your sadness be ignored just to chase a possibly fleeting happiness that might only leave you hurting more in the end. Everything in its due time. The cruelty of life is inescapable and it can often shrink us do...

..being sad and lonely even after spending the evening with friends in a safe place, a place that was once a refuge and spiritual oasis for you. ..being sad and lonely and feeling empty so you visit her Facebook page and dig through her timeline. The recent moments you’ve missed out on, and wondering if she is actually as happy as she seems. Re-living the moments you were there and the moments when things were changing, wondering if it was inevitable. Realizing that it does you no good, but you can’t help but look back because you still can’t imagine what going forward without her looks like. ..being sad and lonely and feeling hopeless and that triggering an overwhelming amount of anxiety. Crying and coughing and choking. ..accidentally spilling a drink on your parents’ sofa and feeling like an idiot as you try clean up but a stain is unavoidable and the anxiety and disappointment pile up because you knew that the house is being cleaned tomorrow before guests arrive from out of s...

I saw this image on a blog and immediately thought the following about myself: I have serious emotional abandonment issues stemming from childhood abuse and trauma. I fear abandonment, but also expect it and think I deserve it. Am currently going through the most difficult episode of abandonment anxiety I’ve ever experienced. Am trying to do anything I can to stop it from happening, but all I seem to do is just further solidify the loss that is triggering the fear of abandonment.  Wishing I could abandon myself. At the very least I did have a good talk with one of my cousins today that I don't often to get to see very often, much less have deep and extended personal conversations with. As difficult and exhausting it is to have so many emotional heart-to-hearts with friends and family these days, I find that I am learning a little bit more about myself and what I am going through each time. It's a different but equally important form of catharsis because this blog ...

I wish, and will remind you that my wishes are also prayers, that I was less selfish. I wish I took action more often out of love than fear. I wish I could forgive myself for mistakes that I can no longer change. I wish I could be the man that deserves you. I wish I could have another chance. I wish I could accept things for how they are. I wish I could move on. I wish I knew how to start.

So fucking low right now. Like just fell into a big, deep hole of “everything sucks and nothing matters”. After having only a few brief text interactions with my wife the last ten days, I asked if I could give her a call a short while ago. Had a plan for some of the things I wanted to talk about. Conversation got derailed quickly when she started talking about how the trailers for this new movie “Me Before You” seems to romanticize codependency and depression in regards to relationships. A particular line being “you’re the only reason I have to get out of bed each day” or something to that effect. And she thinks it’s very a toxic way of looking at love, that it’s not actually love. While I can’t completely disagree with her about that, I also don’t think you can be completely dismissive and judge something on just a snippet of advertising. Perhaps a character is just in a bad place, and we tell people who are depressed that “depression lies” because it does. And the lies are not al...

Today was the first time I have been contacted by L since our official separation (as in the day we were no longer living in the same house or even city). It's been ten days. I have texted her few times since then with brief interactions, but no phone calls and she hasn't been the one to initiate contact until today's text from her. It ended up being rather innocuous. She was trying to get some information about Marvel Comics character Captain America, as in information about what his moral compass and values are on a human level. She had an event today with some youth groups that had been to see the new Captain America movie. I was happy to give her a few tidbits. I guess it was not anything that she couldn't glean from scanning a few Wikipedia pages or film reviews, but she asked me. Don't want to read anything more into it than that. But I guess I was in a bit of weird mood soon after and found myself suddenly having an anxiety attack verging on a full blown p...

Maybe this is just the insomnia right now, but I suddenly find myself so fucking angry that barely any of my friends or family have reached out either at all or in a significant way since my divorce was announced and I moved back home with my parents. My parents are doing their best, and giving me space to deal with my emotions, not forcing me into conversations or dumping their own baggage on me, as has been the pattern in past for when hard times hit our family. My cousin Stephanie has been great, checking in on me regularly and offering support, all the while taking care of her own family and recently finding out she is pregnant (her third overall, first in 8 years). But I have a lot of cousins, and big family, and l’ve just moved back into a community where I have deep roots, but it feels like I am a ghost. Is this just how the world and people in my life see me? Have I cultivated this stand off-ish, lone wolf persona so much that people are afraid to break the ice with me? I...

I have to change all my passwords. Because they are all inspired by memories of you. Of us. - May 7, 2016. I need to go to bed.  Haven’t decided whether or not I need to bother with ever waking up again. - May 8, 2016. Too sad to sleep?  What the fuck is that all about?! - May 9, 2016. Deserving.  That’s a word, a thought, a notion we throw around a lot. What we deserve, what others deserve. Good or bad. We think deserving matters. Put faith into some sort of ideal of fairness winning out or at least evening things out in the end. Deserving is not some great equalizer. Sometimes deserving is just another broken promise. Another failed benchmark. - May 10, 2016. In politics, pop culture, or your personal life if you have to tear someone else down in order to make a favorable comparison for whom or whatever it is you are trying to lift up, then you have failed at both. - May 10, 2016. Why Love? Every single day something terrible, life-altering, soul-crushing is h...

Feel like shit, eat shit, then feel like shit again.  Some dreams come true, but they don’t keep true. Why does the rejection of one feel like the rejection of all? Can you break the cycle without breaking down entirely? I’ve either had more chances than any person deserves, or I’ve never really had a shot to begin with. - April 17, 2016  My 34th birthday had come and gone. I had made another trip back to Central Texas to start moving some of my stuff and so I could tell some close friends and family in person about the divorce. They were all sad for me but supportive. Reassured me that there was nothing to be ashamed of, and that I would survive this. I felt the love and appreciated it, but had a hard time swallowing the thought of moving on and being happy again, or at least as being as happy as I was.  I’m scared. So very scared.  That is what it all boils down to. The sadness, the anxiety, the anger, the confusion. That’s all well worn territory that...

At the end of today’s marriage counseling session it was clear that we are both ready to proceed with the first steps to ending our union. It’s amicable and the healthiest choice presently, but not any less heartbreaking and painstaking. I don’t even know what the first step is. Maybe we start sleeping in separate rooms. Maybe she’ll want me to move out soon and begin a trial separation. I myself and us together can’t exactly afford that right now. I don’t know when we’ll announce it to our family & friends, and then at what point the public in general. I don’t have any experience in this. Will we have to get our own lawyer each? How much does it cost to get divorced? We don’t want to be out of each others lives forever, but how much time and space should we allow ourselves at the beginning.  We had a good love story. It was a sweeping and whirlwind love affair at beginning, and then suddenly and early on we were forced into a Long Distance Relationship. We both kept our he...

Wife and I just had a 7 hour talk. Heavy, hard, and even sometimes healing. I think it’s safe to say we are at the beginning of the end. The end of what? Maybe the end of our marriage all together, or maybe just the end of this unhealthy phase our relationship? Only time will tell, but I think we are on a good path forward whatever that brings. - March 14, 2016 I had just returned from a week long visit with my parents, which had been encouraged by both my wife and our marriage counselor, hoping it would make me feel better and re-energized after having just quit my job and dealing with what they saw as homesickness. Funny enough, I did not have a good time on that visit. I was depressed and lonely, and I missed my wife, our cats, and my life in Edinburg. I was also quite apprehensive about the things we were dealing with in counseling, but felt like we were making progress and I didn't want to take any break or give it any space. I did not realize at the time that in fact tha...

QUOTOPIA, or a post in which I share some of the wise words written by people much smarter and more talented than myself that I have been pouring over the last few weeks.   Human relationships are strange. I mean, you are with one person a while, eating and sleeping and living with them, loving them, talking to them, going places together, and then it stops   - Charles Bukowski    The hardest part of losing someone, isn’t having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that’s left inside your heart when they go.  - unknown   Love is so short, forgetting is so long.  - Pablo Neruda, “Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines”    The most intimate thing we can do is to allow people we love most see us at our worst. At our lowest. At our weakest. True intimacy happens when nothing is perfect.  - Amy Harmon, The Song of David   We know what we are now, but know not ...

This blog will be an open book journal, a transcription, a record of my heartbreak and headaches during this very difficult time in my life, in which the love of my life leaves me. I don't know if this going to turn our to be a very long suicide note or a road to redemption, or if it will just sputter out into nothingness. I miss her very much. I am sad. I am angry. I am scared. I am not empty, but what fills me up makes wish that I was. Perhaps in the next few posts I will try to retrace the last few months and years to give you a perspective of where I am now and why I have no idea where I am headed from here.