After Burn

My mom referred to me as a “young bachelor” today, which I laughed at, and she changed it to “young divorcee”. I had to remind her that I will always be young to her, but I’m not young anymore. I’m 34 years old. I’m neither a bachelor or divorcee, at least not in spirit. My parents had been married a decade and had two kids by the time they were my age. If I got someone pregnant tonight, I’d become a father around May 2017. That child would not graduate from high school until probably 2035, at which point I would be 53 years old. Not crazy numbers, but also not happening. Last December my new wife and I talked about our plans for trying to start a family and we decided the earliest we would try would be December 2016. Gave ourselves a year to plan and save and grow. Little did I know 3 ½ months later she would toss in towel on it all. When I spoke in marriage counseling about my worries and anxieties over becoming a father she twisted it into a declaration that I didn’t want to h...

****15 YEARS AGO (2001)**** 1) How old were you? 19 2) Who were you dating? Most of the summer I dated a girl that was 17, going into her Senior Year of High School. She drove a really cool Ford Mustang and had great taste in music.  3) Where did you work? I worked for a two different local newspapers covering local news events and mostly sports as a stringer (freelance writer). I also had a publicity internship with a community theatre and did a pretty bang up job of organizing an annual heritage & arts festival which had been brought back after a year off and the infrastructure (i.e. money, vendors, volunteers, locations) had changed immensely. I was somehow much more accomplished at 19 than I am now at 34. I even directed a Youth Theatre company that year, taking them to State Youth Theatre convention where they performed for over a 1,000.  4) Where did you live? Austin, TX 5) Where did you hang out? Socially I would often hang out in the Westgate area of South Austin,...

She asked me at least once, perhaps more than once, if there was a “one who got away” in my life. I answered truthfully and with emphasis that there most certainly was not. I didn’t think about why she might be asking that question, outside of general curiosity and maybe a desire to learn more about my past romances or lovers. To which there was very little to speak of. I have a long list of first dates. Not all were bad, some were even good, but most were unremarkable. Very few second dates materialized and I was usually okay with that. And none of them compared even in the slightest to our first date. I fell hard & quick. Assumed she did too. It was a whole new world. I was so grateful and surprised by how wonderful this love thing was. I didn’t press for a lot of information about her past dating or sex life. I trusted her to let me in as she felt comfortable, and there wasn’t anything that could have scared me off or given me pause. She didn’t really date much in hig...

Or maybe more specifically “How did I get here?” If you had told me one year ago, as in exactly one year to the day on July 26th, 2015 that I would be nearly finished with getting a divorce AND Donald Trump was the Republican nominee for President, with a chance of actually winning, well I would have not believed it obviously. And if you someone gave me proof that it was true and I did believe you. Guess what I would have done on July 27, 2015? Nothing. Because I would have killed myself before another day came. That is how depressing and horrible a scenario you just convinced me of. Would not even have stuck around to see “The Force Awakens”. Just skip straight to ashes to ashes & dust to dust. Food for worms. And while my death, if it had happened a year ago today, would be tragic and heartbreaking for most of my friends and family. There’s also a chance it sets in motion something else. My wife gets a head-start on getting over me and moving on with her life a year ear...

What a long, strange day. I’m so exhausted. Only got 2 ½ hours of sleep last night and it wasn’t even remotely restful. Dreams have been weird in ways that I am not used to the last several days. I should be more emotional after signing the divorce decree today and seeing my wife in person for the first time in 77 days. I didn’t really feel anything while I signed the papers. We had a pleasant enough chat, fell right into our banter which always came easy. I had a hard time looking her in the eye because I knew that would just make me want to grab and kiss her all the more. She looked great. Seemed to be happy enough. Maybe the sleep deprivation staved off me being more anxious or emotional. I need to write her a letter. Going to be too hard to express what I need to her in person, at least for a while. And going forward now it might be a very long time before we see each other again. I stripped the bed last night and washed the sheets and blankets and pillowcases. Don’t have the energ...

"Perhaps I’d be spending the rest of my life with attempts to reach you the way I never did when we were still in the same horizon. Oh the sky and the sea will meet again but, shall we?" - Selina Pamarang "What are you supposed to do with all the love you have for somebody if that person is no longer there? What happens to all that leftover love? Do you suppress it? Do you ignore it? Are you supposed to give it to someone else?" - Maggie O'Farrell, After You’d Gone "Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he ...

It’s bad enough to be rejected by anyone, let alone someone you love. Someone who loved you. Although part of me wishes, despite how much more it would hurt, that my wife had cheated on me or fell in love with someone else. Instead she simply fell out of love with me, maybe even before we got married. And said nothing to me until long after.  I was happy for us to go into marriage counseling so early in our marriage because I wanted nothing more than for it to work and for us to be as healthy and happy as possible. I was breaking down a lifetime of emotional barriers and opening myself up not only to her, but even to myself in ways I had never done before. Finding a way to be more comfortable and honest about how I feel and who I am. Finding a way to deal with wrongs done to me in the past without letting those things keep me in the darkness and forever stuck in pattern where it squelches my growth and happiness.  I knew that she worried I couldn’t or wouldn’t take care o...

Slasher movie franchises inevitably reach a point where you aren’t rooting for the protagonists to survive anymore. You just want to see the monster or villain cause as much carnage as possible in a gory and dramatic fashion. That is exactly how I feel about Donald Trump and the Republican Party. Republicans disturbed the ancient burial ground, they read from the book of the dead, said the boogeyman’s name aloud. They have no one but their selves to blame. I just hope the Democrats and anyone else not supporting the horror show realize that we can’t just sit idly by and watch the carnage unfold. We need to listen to that enthusiastic audience member shouting at us “Don’t go in there!”

I just watched “Obvious Child” and my heart fucking hurts so much because it was so funny, beautiful, honest, tender. And it makes me hate my own life and situation a thousand times more tha I already do. I’m supposed to see her on Friday to sign the divorce papers and so she can give me back the rest of the my shit that I left behind in the house that we shared as our home. And when I say shit, I mean exactly that, just crap that I don’t need or want but she can’t stand to have any trace of me left hanging around and doesn’t have the decency to burn it or throw away on her own. Like she even has a photo of me that I had given to her and she wants to return it to me. What the fuck?! It’s for me to process the idea that she is capable of such cruelty. Is it not enough that I am giving her what she wants? Is it not enough that I am left with next to nothing? No job, a broke down car, living with my parents, an entire life and future dreamt of and hoped for dashed. Friends & fami...

Can’t sleep. Have a job interview in 12 hours. With a bank no less. And it’s the bank I currently use myself. How is that rejection going to feel? Should fit in well with how this year is going. Last week it was an interview & pass from an office of mental health professionals. They probably figured I was more “patient” than “employee” material. Can’t stop regretting how I didn’t fight hard enough. Even if the end result was the same and I found myself still getting a divorce; I should have at least fought as hard and for as long I could. But I threw in the towel when I should have thrown down the gauntlet. I can handle losing a battle much more than I can a forfeit. Can’t go back in time and change things. I am a victim of my own brokenness. I am the Hamlet’s tragic flaw. I am a placater. A liar. A coward. Can’t summon enough courage to equal my convictions. Can’t find a silver lining. Can’t find a way out of the woods. Can’t keep doing this to myself.

She texted me today. It was more hurtful to me than I imagined it would be. Not that she texted, but what she wrote. How could she be so oblivious? I can’t think that she is doing it on purpose. Maybe she is correct in her assertion that saying as little as possible to each other right now is less hurtful, despite being painful in its own way. I don’t know. I understand less and less about this entire situation. I have to constantly make assumptions because I don’t know or understand and I don’t know how accurate those assumptions are. A vicious cycle of nonsense and disdain. She asked for this. She wants this. She hasn’t shown the tiniest bit of regret or hesitation. So why then is she stringing me along? I need this divorce to be final. I need to know where I stand. I need her to be free of me. I can’t extinguish my own flame.

Had a job interview today. I think it went well, but I've felt that way before and been wrong. I'm certainly qualified for the position, so it just depends on how they feel about me. I was honest but not morose and tried to frame my answers to their questions with my relevant experience and not just recycled positive vagueness. It is a part time position at an office comprised of mental health professionals. Even part time is better than nothing and it might lead to a full-time position. Also wouldn't hurt to get familiar with a possible future therapist or two.

It's 11:28 PM and I'm thinking about how I have a job interview on Monday, but the world is crumbling so what's the point of having a 9-5 when you just want to ride this motherfucker out in a blaze of glory.

You can pray for peace. And you should. But in a world dominated by inequality, entropy and chaos are sure to follow.

And it’s noon and I am tired. Eyes wide open, but unfocused. Body in entropy. Memory fuzzy with things past and unsure things to come.

I got home from dress rehearsal and staying after to do some last minute painting for publicity materials to find my parents glued to the TV watching news coverage in Dallas. It’s pure chaos and we won’t be able to cull together a reliable timeline of events for a while, but if the reports are true that 3 police officers have been shot dead and 7 others injured from gunfire during a confrontation between protesters and Dallas P.D. well that is absolutely a tragic and very unfortunate event. I mourn their lives & loss, and absolutely wish this did not happen. And yet I hate to be cynical because this will just further galvanize the naysayers and racists and all those eager to support the police mostly white folks who want to silence those speaking out against the systematic prejudice, brutality, and violence epidemic that disproportionately affects people of color in this country. A cousin of mine who lives in Dallas, and is a sheltered pretty blonde middle class country girl, p...

Just finished up a rapid burst of job applications for a variety of positions. Have no idea if anything will come of it, but feels good to be somewhat productive and proactive this early in the day. Especially after a restless night of bad dreams full of stress and anxiety. Woke up early around 7:30 AM and actually got out of bed and had breakfast. But now I'm sleepy at 10:30 AM. Like can barely keep my eyes open sleepy. Can't nap. Not good for me. Just got to fight through it. Have a lot to do this week. Costume materials to finish. Doctor's appointment to make. Cleaning and organizing. Trying to arrange for a time to change brake pads on my car, so I might have at least temporary transportation again. You know, all those mundane tasks of life that are unpleasant even when you are in the best of health mentally and physically.

Went to bed at 9:45 PM last night. Had terrible nightmares, mostly about being stranded in isolation with a killer or killers after me. Another one about being stuck on a civilian spacecraft going into space but with a saboteur on board. Woke up at 6:30 AM, but went right back to sleep. Finally crawled out of bed by 9:30 AM. Watched a little bit of Wimbledon coverage, went back to bed. Continued napping on and off throughout the day. Never doing much else. Not being able to concentrate on much, except her and what I want to say but can't. What I want to do, but can't. I wish I could pull myself out of this. Cut the ties. Remove the desire. How do you do that? I've never loved or been loved like this before? How could it have gone sour so fast? How do you discard it so easily? How can you ever trust that you will find anything close to it again?

Just a few days ago started planning a trip to visit Upstate NY, NYC and surrounding areas in late August. My Aunt & Uncle live outside of Albany. But reality has quickly set in and the trip is not going to happen. Just don’t have the money for it, and can’t pass up a full-time or part-time job if the opportunity arises before then. It’s also apparent this toothache isn’t just going away on its own, so I will have to pony up some cash for dental work this coming week. And hopefully once I do find work again I re-commit to finishing all the dental work I still need done. Which will not only improve my oral & overall health, but will improve my confidence and chances of getting acting work next year as I look ahead to giving professional Theatre, TV/Film acting another go. It’s an exciting, but daunting prospect.  My wife struggled with my inability to make plans for my future, and even though I won’t be able to undo what has happened (and is still happening between us) I ...

I cease being amazed by technological advances until the procedures from “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” are commonplace. It’s sad & pathetic that I can’t even masturbate to make myself for momentarily better right now.  I guess it is borderline impotence, which is not surprising given all I am going through. Even when I actually have the desire and ability to get myself started I can’t finish. My mind wanders anxiously while sadness and anger fill the void. Who needs summer movies & blockbusters when you can just re-watch the final two Season Six episodes of “Game of Thrones” which are epic, wonderful and bad ass?  I do totally still want to see Ghostbusters, Star Trek Beyond, Jason Bourne, and Suicide Squad. Just have to come up with some disposable income to do so. I don’t watch much cable TV these days, outside of live sports. Came home after a long rehearsal tonight and flipped through channels. Duck Dynasty, Pawn Stars, Keeping Up with the Kardashian...