Don't call it a Revenge Body
Is it just totally crazy/ridiculous/stupid that I am choosing to be anti-social (or rather more anti-social than usual) right now because I want to wow friends & family the next time they see me by being in the best shape I’ve been in years? Which I’ve started working on very seriously and have lost 5 pounds in the past two weeks.
I may not have the many other deficiencies in my life sorted out but if I can get physically stronger and healthier than I have been in a long time it will give me a lot more confidence that I would hope would then spill over into other areas of my life. And if I can show up looking good and feeling good then I’m not as likely to get showered with pity by people I care about, which is the main reason why I’m being anti-social in the first place.
Just thinking out loud here and rambling. Had a pretty heated fight with my mom yesterday, which should’ve been helpful to get some things out and in the open but she didn’t hear a word I said. I just have to keep doing what I think is best for myself and what I want to be doing. Can’t her let guilt or manipulate me as she has done so many times before.
This is exactly one of the main reasons cited by my ex as to why she couldn’t be with me anymore. She worried that I couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of myself and that I only took care of other people out of a deep-seated and unhealthy obsession with duty and only finding self-worth and value through being useful that way. Which she was absolutely right about in regards to my dysfunctional family that I have very little in common with.
However she was quite wrong about my feelings for her being in the similar vein. Which is why this break-up and divorce being so hard for me. If she doesn’t want me anymore, doesn’t love me anymore, well that’s fine. It hurts, but it’s fine. I can live with that. But if she made this decision because her own insecurities were clouded by believing that I was only with her due to a pattern of unhealthy life choices I’ve made then that just doesn’t sit right with me. And I just don’t have the capability to express myself in such a way to make her understand, that is if we were even communicating at all.
Part of me wishes that the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind existed and was readily available, but a bigger part of me wishes that some sort of device or procedure could let you put someone into your mind directly and have them feel and experience and know truly and unquestionably how you felt. It wouldn’t necessarily change outcomes all the time, but for me I know it would give me peace of mind enough to move on.
And now as I read back on what I’ve written here, I realize I’ve written this same sentiment over and over for the last year. I wonder if what I am truly seeking is not her to have a better understanding of me, but rather a better understanding of her. Maybe I just want to be able to go inside her mind and find out how it was possible for her to come to the decisions that she has made, and whether or not she is truly happier without me.
I may not have the many other deficiencies in my life sorted out but if I can get physically stronger and healthier than I have been in a long time it will give me a lot more confidence that I would hope would then spill over into other areas of my life. And if I can show up looking good and feeling good then I’m not as likely to get showered with pity by people I care about, which is the main reason why I’m being anti-social in the first place.
Just thinking out loud here and rambling. Had a pretty heated fight with my mom yesterday, which should’ve been helpful to get some things out and in the open but she didn’t hear a word I said. I just have to keep doing what I think is best for myself and what I want to be doing. Can’t her let guilt or manipulate me as she has done so many times before.
This is exactly one of the main reasons cited by my ex as to why she couldn’t be with me anymore. She worried that I couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of myself and that I only took care of other people out of a deep-seated and unhealthy obsession with duty and only finding self-worth and value through being useful that way. Which she was absolutely right about in regards to my dysfunctional family that I have very little in common with.
However she was quite wrong about my feelings for her being in the similar vein. Which is why this break-up and divorce being so hard for me. If she doesn’t want me anymore, doesn’t love me anymore, well that’s fine. It hurts, but it’s fine. I can live with that. But if she made this decision because her own insecurities were clouded by believing that I was only with her due to a pattern of unhealthy life choices I’ve made then that just doesn’t sit right with me. And I just don’t have the capability to express myself in such a way to make her understand, that is if we were even communicating at all.
Part of me wishes that the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind existed and was readily available, but a bigger part of me wishes that some sort of device or procedure could let you put someone into your mind directly and have them feel and experience and know truly and unquestionably how you felt. It wouldn’t necessarily change outcomes all the time, but for me I know it would give me peace of mind enough to move on.
And now as I read back on what I’ve written here, I realize I’ve written this same sentiment over and over for the last year. I wonder if what I am truly seeking is not her to have a better understanding of me, but rather a better understanding of her. Maybe I just want to be able to go inside her mind and find out how it was possible for her to come to the decisions that she has made, and whether or not she is truly happier without me.
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