Untitled

I wish I wasn’t so hurt that she didn’t send a text or call or anything. No acknowledgement of me doing something I love for the first time in three years. Something she encouraged me to do in this process. And maybe she isn’t even paying attention anymore. I’m hurt, but I am not surprised. We were going to check in with each other at least once a week. But it has only been me to reach out. She’s been in town twice, and told me she wanted to meet up, but has backed out. When I have called her it has been awkward and feels like small talk, which I would say who gives a fuck about small talk, except I know we’re both trying to avoid each other’s social media presences for the time being so of course I am dying to know how is she is doing day to day. I want to know the big and small stuff. I want to be able to tell her what I am thinking and feeling. I know I am just making it harder on myself. Harder on her. I don’t know why. I’ve never had this problem before. Letting go of people has always come naturally for me, especially when they almost always are the one who wants to leave. She left me. What am I doing? Going through the motions. And barely that. Even if I do make it through this, why would I ever put myself at risk of feeling this way again. And yet if I jump back in a time machine and go back three years I wouldn’t change too much. Just whatever it took to avoid ending up here. And if it is inevitable regardless of what I do differently, then so be it. I just don’t think that is what would happen. I have to make myself it is over as it stands now, but I don’t think it had to come this. Am I just delusional for thinking that?