Saturday Nights & Sunday Mornings
L & I got to know each other while doing a play together in January/Feb. 2013. Our first date was the Tuesday after the show closed. I had been heavily involved with this particular community theater since its inception in July 2010. The owners and operators being good friends and mentors.
I continued being active with the theater during the Spring and early summer of 2013 while L and I were dating, but decided to take a sabbatical after L had to move 300 hundred miles away due to her work in Late June of that year. Only a few months in we found ourselves in a Long-Distance Relationship. It was tough.
I was focused on finding a job and place to live in the area where she was, while taking every opportunity I could to visit her. She encouraged me to remain involved with the theater while I was still able to, but I was stubborn about it. I needed a break anyway, and wanted to be able to put my plans to move in motion ASAP if a job offer came. I ended up not being able to move until about 15 months after L had originally left. We were already engaged and planning a wedding at that point.
During our counseling sessions and in conversations proceeding them L had time and time again brought this up as a point of contention. I never understood her insistence on the topic, but she would refer to a conversation we had early in our relationship where I told her something to the effect of "I feel most alive" when I am onstage. She took it to heart and felt like she had been depriving me of something that meant so much to me, and that I couldn't possibly be happy if I didn't have that creative outlet in my life. I don't even remember saying that to her, but I assumed I was just trying to sound passionate.
And while it's not far from the truth, I also tried to set her at ease over and over again. That I was okay being away from that particular theater and didn't need to be performing to feel alive. After some soul searching I did come to realize that yes I did still have a desire to perform and be involved in theater. While I had not been successful finding an appropriate outlet thus far in the city we lived in, I certainly had not discounted it ever happening again. And never did I once feel like I was being deprived of or was unhappy with my life and choices simply because I didn't have acting or theater at the moment. She took such a fatalistic view that I was never able to break through.
I could recognize that I needed to find or create more outlets for me to express myself and socialize that were not directly related to my wife's work and built-in community; but I never got the chance to even try once I had that realization. She saw it as another sign that ending the marriage was for the best. Or perhaps she was just looking for more rationalizations for a decision that was making purely on emotion. Or fear. Or I don't know what.
Tonight was the last performance of the first show I acted in since the divorce was announced and I moved back in with my parents. The first show in three years I've been in. It was fine. I had fun, but I almost always have fun with it. I didn't feel "alive" or at least not anymore "alive" than I have felt recently. I don't feel guilty or bad for saying that. I was working with people I love and it's no referendum on them personally, but I just didn't care that all much about being there. How could it possibly take away from the pain and hurt I am processing. It's just something to keep me busy, keep me going through the motions of a somewhat normal life.
But I don't know what normal is for me going forward. I'm so very unhappy with my current situation. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be going through what I am going through. I don't want to go back to a life I was living three or four years ago. I want to go back to the life I was living 4 months ago. A life that was obviously very hard for my wife, but I felt like we were working on making it better for both of us. I'd rather have the hard times with her, because I know the good times would not be that far off and they would be so much sweeter than any good times without her.
I came home after the low-key cast party where I was unable to muster up much sociability. I thought about what she might be doing this very same evening. Remembering our Saturday night rituals that had become such a wonderful part of my life. Then I find "Sense and Sensibility" playing on TV. I couldn't bring myself to watch it. I was scared to scan the channels out of fear that I might find "Downton Abbey" or "Pride & Prejudice" also playing.
I won't get to sleep until late tonight, and will most likely sleep in tomorrow morning. Sundays are hard now too.
I continued being active with the theater during the Spring and early summer of 2013 while L and I were dating, but decided to take a sabbatical after L had to move 300 hundred miles away due to her work in Late June of that year. Only a few months in we found ourselves in a Long-Distance Relationship. It was tough.
I was focused on finding a job and place to live in the area where she was, while taking every opportunity I could to visit her. She encouraged me to remain involved with the theater while I was still able to, but I was stubborn about it. I needed a break anyway, and wanted to be able to put my plans to move in motion ASAP if a job offer came. I ended up not being able to move until about 15 months after L had originally left. We were already engaged and planning a wedding at that point.
During our counseling sessions and in conversations proceeding them L had time and time again brought this up as a point of contention. I never understood her insistence on the topic, but she would refer to a conversation we had early in our relationship where I told her something to the effect of "I feel most alive" when I am onstage. She took it to heart and felt like she had been depriving me of something that meant so much to me, and that I couldn't possibly be happy if I didn't have that creative outlet in my life. I don't even remember saying that to her, but I assumed I was just trying to sound passionate.
And while it's not far from the truth, I also tried to set her at ease over and over again. That I was okay being away from that particular theater and didn't need to be performing to feel alive. After some soul searching I did come to realize that yes I did still have a desire to perform and be involved in theater. While I had not been successful finding an appropriate outlet thus far in the city we lived in, I certainly had not discounted it ever happening again. And never did I once feel like I was being deprived of or was unhappy with my life and choices simply because I didn't have acting or theater at the moment. She took such a fatalistic view that I was never able to break through.
I could recognize that I needed to find or create more outlets for me to express myself and socialize that were not directly related to my wife's work and built-in community; but I never got the chance to even try once I had that realization. She saw it as another sign that ending the marriage was for the best. Or perhaps she was just looking for more rationalizations for a decision that was making purely on emotion. Or fear. Or I don't know what.
Tonight was the last performance of the first show I acted in since the divorce was announced and I moved back in with my parents. The first show in three years I've been in. It was fine. I had fun, but I almost always have fun with it. I didn't feel "alive" or at least not anymore "alive" than I have felt recently. I don't feel guilty or bad for saying that. I was working with people I love and it's no referendum on them personally, but I just didn't care that all much about being there. How could it possibly take away from the pain and hurt I am processing. It's just something to keep me busy, keep me going through the motions of a somewhat normal life.
But I don't know what normal is for me going forward. I'm so very unhappy with my current situation. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be going through what I am going through. I don't want to go back to a life I was living three or four years ago. I want to go back to the life I was living 4 months ago. A life that was obviously very hard for my wife, but I felt like we were working on making it better for both of us. I'd rather have the hard times with her, because I know the good times would not be that far off and they would be so much sweeter than any good times without her.
I came home after the low-key cast party where I was unable to muster up much sociability. I thought about what she might be doing this very same evening. Remembering our Saturday night rituals that had become such a wonderful part of my life. Then I find "Sense and Sensibility" playing on TV. I couldn't bring myself to watch it. I was scared to scan the channels out of fear that I might find "Downton Abbey" or "Pride & Prejudice" also playing.
I won't get to sleep until late tonight, and will most likely sleep in tomorrow morning. Sundays are hard now too.
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