I feel guilty every time I say her name in front of my mother. Feel awkward the moment I mention her in front of friends or family. I don't do it on purpose. Just in passing. I would have to go out of my way to not say her name, and I thought I was not supposed to be holding anything back (although of course I am). It's not even that I am saying her name because she is always on my mind (which she is) but rather because even small talk is dominated by the frame of reference for the time we were together.
I wonder if she says name much at all to anyone. I imagine not. I wonder if her family or friends inquire as to how I am doing. And if so, what does she say? She can only assume. We aren't talking to each other. I tried to keep reaching out, but her seeming disinterest and lack of reciprocation led me to follow suit. Perhaps nobody is asking about me, if for no other reason than they don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Perhaps she is experiencing the same restrained curiosity that I am.
I think people are being just trying to be nice by not really engaging with me about what I am going through, but maybe they are just dismissive because it's so normative. "Divorce? Oh Well, It happens." I'm sure in the past I've probably been just a blase about the marriage of someone I know falling apart. Without wanting to address the ugliness or darkness of the subject I have most likely passed out the same cliched responses of "It wasn't meant to be" or "You'll find someone else." It never occurred to me that person could very well be going through the toughest heartbreak they will experience. And maybe they won't just "get over it" or find someone else.
We're so accustomed to divorce nowadays that we see marriage as something that can be entered into lightly, because if it's a mistake well then you can just end it and move on. But maybe divorce can be a mistake too, only we're not comfortable with that idea so we don't question it, just accept it and no real happiness or closure is ever truly found.
I realize this all reeks of desperation and me trying to rationalize the outcome I rooting for. I am living with this situation every moment of every day. Regardless of what happens in the long run I am not looking to just put everything behind me as quickly as possible. The divorce will be finalized in the very near future. There is nothing I can do that will stop that. There is also nothing I can do to stop how I am feeling. I just have to keep working through it. And so that is what I do.
The next time we do talk I should have this blog pulled up for reference, so we might be able to have a substantial discussion that could maybe help me or both of us understand things even better. I've thought about even sending her a link this blog.
One of the things she talked about in reference to marriage and relationships was the idea that 1+1=3. Meaning that we are each ourselves individually and our relationship is this third & separate entity. So in reality a marriage is 1+1+1=3. Our marriage had some troubles on it's own, and we each had problems and unhealthiness on our own.
This eventually led her to believe that with both us having individual problems and weaknesses regarding the relationship that was not enough of that third entity to stand on it's own anymore. I'm simplifying here. She told me that she could no longer see a future with me. Which I can understand is very hard for her. Especially since she is a planner and dreamer. I still very much saw a future for us, but all I could see is that we were together. Everything else about the future was less clear. This bothered her that I was trapped in such a line of thinking.
I feel as though I didn't get enough time to work on this. She asked for a divorce just short of ten months into the marriage. We had been to maybe 5 joint counseling sessions at that point. I thought the work was just beginning, and I was absolutely wanting and willing to do the work ahead. It feels like to me that she just bailed. Didn't see the point of putting in the work because there was no way it could change.
I own up to all the ways that I contributed to her feeling that way, but I strongly disagree with her that things could never change. It was going to be hard, but I believe that it would not have been that way forever. I still believe that. I think she suddenly found herself trapped in the same pessimistic worldview that had bothered her about me so much. I think it was worth giving more time and more work to see if things would start to change for the better.
I wish I would have said something at the time this was just starting but I also don't buy the line of "if we do this now, it will spare us more pain if we have to do it later on". Maybe she still feels that way, but I know I don't. I think I could have done with some more counseling and time together working on ourselves and our marriage. Maybe it would become more clear for me because right now I'm still spinning my wheels trying to get some traction on all of thus.
I feel cut off. From her. From my family. From her family. From the community we were a part of. From the community I have returned to. From the future. How else am I supposed to feel? My vision of the future was just her and me together without much else planned or specified. Now you take her away from that and it's just me and nothing. I know that's not healthy, but I don't think it's crazy to prefer still being together and building an idea of the future based on that.
I'm sorry I don't have a calling like she does. I'm sorry that I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life and have a lot of very bad things happen to me that were completely out of my control and have made it hard for me dream or plan for a future I wasn't sure I'd ever have or want. I'm sorry I didn't have it all figured out right away. I'm sorry that I couldn't make you believe that I did and want a wonderful future for us, and for myself.
Early on in our relationship we got into a bit of a heated discussion about marriage vows. I mentioned a celebrity couple that had split after a very long marriage and made a flippant remark. She got very upset and told me how much the vows meant to her. That is was not just innocuous and flexible ceremonial language. I took that to heart and looked deep within myself about that. I had not really considered marriage all that much up to that point in my life, had never had a reason to. But I was already in love with her and knew that down the line I might want to be married to her, so I made sure I was ready to take those vows before doing so.
I guess I have been taken aback at how quickly and assuredly she was ready to toss our marriage vows aside. I know that fear and pain can drive people to do things they wouldn't normally do, and I don't know if that is the case here. It's just another reason why I am still so unclear as how I (and we) have ended up at this point. A point that I can not seem to get ahead of. A point where anything I do that is supposed to be good for me or make me happy doesn't feel true or as full as it would be if we were still together. Is this just how life will be going forward, if not forever, but for a very long time?
I'm 34. Broke. Living with my parents. My car is falling apart. I have no job. I still have to pay my 2015 taxes. I have no clear path ahead. A few months ago I had a few of these same problems, but I also had a supportive wife. Was it so terrible that I wanted to rely on her while I found my way out of the woods, with the hope and plan that I would make it out the woods and one day be able to do the same for her in return.
I have received an offer to return to most recent employer from when I last lived here. I should be jumping at it. I need the money, desperately. But I haven't taken it, and I'm leaning heavily towards not doing so. I don't want to go back. Back to something I was unhappy with. My life already sucks right now, why make it suck more in one area just have it suck a little less in another.
That's the thing about my marriage. I want to go back to it, not because I think it will make my life suck a little less in the short term, or because I want to try and undo the past; but because I believe it's the thing worth fighting for and living up to.
I wonder if she says name much at all to anyone. I imagine not. I wonder if her family or friends inquire as to how I am doing. And if so, what does she say? She can only assume. We aren't talking to each other. I tried to keep reaching out, but her seeming disinterest and lack of reciprocation led me to follow suit. Perhaps nobody is asking about me, if for no other reason than they don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Perhaps she is experiencing the same restrained curiosity that I am.
I think people are being just trying to be nice by not really engaging with me about what I am going through, but maybe they are just dismissive because it's so normative. "Divorce? Oh Well, It happens." I'm sure in the past I've probably been just a blase about the marriage of someone I know falling apart. Without wanting to address the ugliness or darkness of the subject I have most likely passed out the same cliched responses of "It wasn't meant to be" or "You'll find someone else." It never occurred to me that person could very well be going through the toughest heartbreak they will experience. And maybe they won't just "get over it" or find someone else.
We're so accustomed to divorce nowadays that we see marriage as something that can be entered into lightly, because if it's a mistake well then you can just end it and move on. But maybe divorce can be a mistake too, only we're not comfortable with that idea so we don't question it, just accept it and no real happiness or closure is ever truly found.
I realize this all reeks of desperation and me trying to rationalize the outcome I rooting for. I am living with this situation every moment of every day. Regardless of what happens in the long run I am not looking to just put everything behind me as quickly as possible. The divorce will be finalized in the very near future. There is nothing I can do that will stop that. There is also nothing I can do to stop how I am feeling. I just have to keep working through it. And so that is what I do.
The next time we do talk I should have this blog pulled up for reference, so we might be able to have a substantial discussion that could maybe help me or both of us understand things even better. I've thought about even sending her a link this blog.
One of the things she talked about in reference to marriage and relationships was the idea that 1+1=3. Meaning that we are each ourselves individually and our relationship is this third & separate entity. So in reality a marriage is 1+1+1=3. Our marriage had some troubles on it's own, and we each had problems and unhealthiness on our own.
This eventually led her to believe that with both us having individual problems and weaknesses regarding the relationship that was not enough of that third entity to stand on it's own anymore. I'm simplifying here. She told me that she could no longer see a future with me. Which I can understand is very hard for her. Especially since she is a planner and dreamer. I still very much saw a future for us, but all I could see is that we were together. Everything else about the future was less clear. This bothered her that I was trapped in such a line of thinking.
I feel as though I didn't get enough time to work on this. She asked for a divorce just short of ten months into the marriage. We had been to maybe 5 joint counseling sessions at that point. I thought the work was just beginning, and I was absolutely wanting and willing to do the work ahead. It feels like to me that she just bailed. Didn't see the point of putting in the work because there was no way it could change.
I own up to all the ways that I contributed to her feeling that way, but I strongly disagree with her that things could never change. It was going to be hard, but I believe that it would not have been that way forever. I still believe that. I think she suddenly found herself trapped in the same pessimistic worldview that had bothered her about me so much. I think it was worth giving more time and more work to see if things would start to change for the better.
I wish I would have said something at the time this was just starting but I also don't buy the line of "if we do this now, it will spare us more pain if we have to do it later on". Maybe she still feels that way, but I know I don't. I think I could have done with some more counseling and time together working on ourselves and our marriage. Maybe it would become more clear for me because right now I'm still spinning my wheels trying to get some traction on all of thus.
I feel cut off. From her. From my family. From her family. From the community we were a part of. From the community I have returned to. From the future. How else am I supposed to feel? My vision of the future was just her and me together without much else planned or specified. Now you take her away from that and it's just me and nothing. I know that's not healthy, but I don't think it's crazy to prefer still being together and building an idea of the future based on that.
I'm sorry I don't have a calling like she does. I'm sorry that I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life and have a lot of very bad things happen to me that were completely out of my control and have made it hard for me dream or plan for a future I wasn't sure I'd ever have or want. I'm sorry I didn't have it all figured out right away. I'm sorry that I couldn't make you believe that I did and want a wonderful future for us, and for myself.
Early on in our relationship we got into a bit of a heated discussion about marriage vows. I mentioned a celebrity couple that had split after a very long marriage and made a flippant remark. She got very upset and told me how much the vows meant to her. That is was not just innocuous and flexible ceremonial language. I took that to heart and looked deep within myself about that. I had not really considered marriage all that much up to that point in my life, had never had a reason to. But I was already in love with her and knew that down the line I might want to be married to her, so I made sure I was ready to take those vows before doing so.
I guess I have been taken aback at how quickly and assuredly she was ready to toss our marriage vows aside. I know that fear and pain can drive people to do things they wouldn't normally do, and I don't know if that is the case here. It's just another reason why I am still so unclear as how I (and we) have ended up at this point. A point that I can not seem to get ahead of. A point where anything I do that is supposed to be good for me or make me happy doesn't feel true or as full as it would be if we were still together. Is this just how life will be going forward, if not forever, but for a very long time?
I'm 34. Broke. Living with my parents. My car is falling apart. I have no job. I still have to pay my 2015 taxes. I have no clear path ahead. A few months ago I had a few of these same problems, but I also had a supportive wife. Was it so terrible that I wanted to rely on her while I found my way out of the woods, with the hope and plan that I would make it out the woods and one day be able to do the same for her in return.
I have received an offer to return to most recent employer from when I last lived here. I should be jumping at it. I need the money, desperately. But I haven't taken it, and I'm leaning heavily towards not doing so. I don't want to go back. Back to something I was unhappy with. My life already sucks right now, why make it suck more in one area just have it suck a little less in another.
That's the thing about my marriage. I want to go back to it, not because I think it will make my life suck a little less in the short term, or because I want to try and undo the past; but because I believe it's the thing worth fighting for and living up to.
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