After Burn

You: posts an "It's Gonna Be May" meme on April 30th. Me, an intellectual that fancies himself a depressed poet: Time is not real. There is no April, May, or June. Only death that comes, and hopefully soon.

RIP Jonathan Demme. Melvin, Married to the Mob, and Something Wild were cable TV staples when I was growing up. Then he entered masterpiece territory with Oscar winning films The Silence of the Lambs and Philadelphia. I loved everyone of his numerous concert films I’ve seen and think his Manchurian Candidate remake is very solid. David Fincher after months of on & off rumors appears to be set to direct World War Z 2 for release next year. I thought the first film was actually quite alright, having never read the book it was based on, but I don’t have any pressing need for a sequel. I’d rather Paramount just give Fincher a budget of $100 million to make any film he wanted to that starred Pitt. Also read today that Sony has set a 2019 release date for their big screen reboot of Masters of the Universe with McG set to direct and using the Marvel Cinematic Universe as a touchstone for the type of film they want to make. I think McG is all wrong for He-Man. Just like he was wrong fo...

My car is on the precipice of being dunzo for good. I’ve long had electrical issues with it that I can’t afford to get fixed, and at this point it is not even worth putting the money into it. Now I’m having some serious mechanical issues. Could be the engine or the transmission. I can’t even drive it right now for fear of breaking down. Waiting to get a mechanic friend to come over and give it a look. Let me know if it is already toast or if there is a temporary fix. Might have to just sell it for parts. I had considered trying to sell it last year when I still thought I might be able to get two grand for it. Then just go buy a cheap, smaller, used vehicle with little to no frills while I continue to very slowly put my back life together. Pretty sure I won’t even be able to do that now. My car is the most expensive asset I have and once it is gone it will be that much harder for me to find a job. Best case scenario is I find a job soon and will have to get a loan for a new, which mea...

Might be time for a social media detox. Feels like I’m teetering on the precipice of VERY BAD THOUGHTS and these outlets are triggering more than a fair share of them. I haven’t even looked at any of my ex-wife’s accounts in quite a while, so while that would be an obvious culprit it’s not in this case. Just one of those quicksand kind of feelings. A lot of little things that don’t seem so little when added onto a pile of big stuff that’s weighing me down.

"Just because your pain is understandable, doesn’t mean your behavior is acceptable." — Steve Maraboli,   Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience   Was just driving home from running errands and was thinking long and hard about this quote. Have found that it speaks very much to the pain I caused my ex-wife by withholding parts of me that I was ashamed of. Whereas in most areas of my life and I am generally too hard on myself, but in a few very specific and complex areas I let myself off the hook for being dishonest. Thinking that the pain I was carrying somehow made it OK. It didn’t. And I’m living with the consequences of those choices. 

Most people as they get older will bemoan how they miss being skinnier when they were younger, but I never appreciated being naturally thin when I was growing up because I was teased constantly about it and became very self-conscious about it. I think it's even safe to say I developed some unhealthy emotional eating habits from not being able to put on weight during adolescence. But I digress.. I’d say what I miss most about my younger physique is having really good hair. It looked good short, medium, or long. I went through all sorts of phases growing up. Styled my hair like Brandon from 90210 through elementary school. Had a skate punk undercut in middle school. Started high school in 1996 when George Clooney’s Ceaser cut was all the rage, and even it looked on me. My sophomore year of high school I lost a Super Bowl bet and had to get my hair buzzed. After that I decided to just let it grow out for the rest of my high school days. It was particularly fantastic during those l...

I took a bit of a time-out from my diet over the holiday weekend but have got back on track with it this week. Went to the grocery store today and got stuff for meal prep to do tomorrow. Lingered around a few unhealthy items that I love but are not good for me. Didn’t purchase any of them though. Will power still strong in that department. But I haven’t been able to get back into the swing of working out yet, which sucks because I had a great week last week where I did a morning and evening workout each day. Hoping I have the energy tomorrow to hit the gym when I go out to get my mom a birthday present. I have absolutely no plans for this weekend, which is not atypical for me. But I do have the house to myself from Thursday - Sunday, so I’m sure I will just catch up on some Netflix viewing. Watching things uninterrupted is a luxury I don’t often have these days. Haven’t had any movement on the job search front. No new interviews, or notifications or follow-ups from recent phone or ...

"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My god, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis "Don’t try to make life a mathematics problem with yourself in the center and everything coming out equal. When you’re good, bad things can still happen. And if you’re bad, you can still be lucky." - Barbara Kingsolver,   The Poisonwood Bible "If anyone else were to kiss me, all they would taste is your name." - Clementine von Radics "Life is full of sweet mistakes And love’s an honest one to make Time leaves no fruit on the tree But you’re gonna live forever in me I guarantee, it’s just meant to be And when the pastor rises the pews From reasons he can’t marry you I’ll keep my word and my seat But you’re gonna live forever in me I’ll guarantee, just wait and see." - John Mayer,  You're Gonna Live Forever In Me

I have absolutely zero interest in ever watching any of the new Mystery Science Theater 3000. I know that it is something that should be right up my alley, but I never had a fondness for original series when I was younger and nothing compels me to give it another go. I watched the new(ish) documentary on Netflix that documents one of Tony Robbins’ 6-day seminars and it was actually quite moving & affecting. He seems to be very genuine and helping a lot of people. It’s a very intense and interesting look at what he does. I have a third confession that I keep wanting to spill but can’t quite get up the courage to do so. I”m not sure it’s something I should even share. Perhaps I just want to hear someone else tell me “Hey, that is fucked up!” to help convince myself. Or maybe it is one of those things I should just forget about. "Night is beautiful when you are happy—comforting when you are in grief—terrible when you are lonely and unhappy."  - L.M. Montgomery (Emily...

I’ve always had trouble sleeping for far back as I can remember, even as young kid, but I’ve also always had a pretty good internal alarm clock. If I need to wake up at a certain time I usually will. I know there isn’t any scientific backing for the phenomenon but it works for most of the time. Haven’t had to use it much recently but I did need to be up early(ish) today so I decided on waking up at 8AM. I set my phone alarm as back up, but sure enough I woke up at 7:59 AM sharp this morning. I got an email about a job interview late yesterday so I called them back as soon as they were in the office and scheduled the interview the afternoon. Then I headed out to the first job fair, which was a bust. Second job fair I had to take some long and monotonous aptitude tests. I think I did well on them, but I started getting tired. Would have brought snacks if I knew it was going to be that extensive. By the time I was done with that had a voicemail letting me know the job interview I had ...

Is it really only Tuesday? Soooo much going on the world this week already. Hard to keep up with & prioritize attention, but Chechnya? Wow. Just horrible and atrocious. And I have zero confidence in any current official from the US with any power or influence caring or doing a single thing about it.  In other news, two job fairs I’m attending tomorrow and a follow-up phone call to make for a possible interview the same day hopefully. One of the job fairs is a pretty general, non-industry specific event at a Hotel that will take a lot of sifting through to find something worth pursuing. The other one is looking for temporary high volume data entry workers, so they are doing testing on site to see if you can make the cut. Fingers crossed. Would hate to think I cropped my beard short for nothing. 

Sean Spicer’s analogy has nothing to do with chemical weapons (although of course he is wrong about that 100%) but rather that he (and I assume many within his environment) believe like Adolph Hitler did that “your people” is defined simply by those you don’t hate; so in his mind he was right in saying that Hitler didn’t harm “his people” because the German citizens who were Jewish, Catholic, Homosexual, or  Political dissidents were killed because weren’t his people. And Spicer has shown, along with many other Trump spokespeople and vocal supporters, that they are very much in favor of this exact line of thinking regarding the citizens of the United States of America

Hear tell it is National Sibling Day. Somber occasion for me having just the one sibling in my brother Travis (pictured here to my left circa mid-1980s somewhere along the Gulf of Mexico in Texas).  Travis committed suicide on July 16, 2003. I know it’s manipulative of me to tell you (but I am doing so anyway) that whatever is going on in your life and in your relationship with your siblings that you should still try to appreciate it, salvage it, enjoy it. I know that won’t exactly be true for everyone, because all familial relations can be and sometimes should be permanently strained and cut all together.  I can’t sit here and tell you I know with any certainty that if Travis were still alive today that we’d be as close as ever. Life just doesn’t work like. But that’s what suicide does. It takes away any other possibility and leaves you with just the one. And it’s not a happy one.

An ex-Army Vietnam vet buddy of my fathers died Friday on my birthday, don’t know the exact cause yet but he had a myriad of health issues. He lived with wife on a beautiful large ranch in West Texas with that is crawling with goats and chickens. My father goes deer hunting there and did for many years with his cousin Gary, who died from Pancreatic Cancer in 2011. Last time I visited the ranch was a year after Gary’s death when my family joined Gary’s wife and two daughters to spread some of his ashes in the place he loved so much. Gary’s younger daughter, my cousin Natalie, was killed in a drunk driving motorcycle accident in August 2015. This Friday is finally the sentencing for the case against the motorcyclist friend of hers who drove drunk with her on the back. My dad and I will join Natalie’s mom in the courtroom on Friday, but we don’t expect a lot of justice. Then yesterday my Godfather’s mother died after having a stroke and surgery to relieve bleeding in the brain. My God...

Is it just totally crazy/ridiculous/stupid that I am choosing to be anti-social (or rather more anti-social than usual) right now because I want to wow friends & family the next time they see me by being in the best shape I’ve been in years? Which I’ve started working on very seriously and have lost 5 pounds in the past two weeks. I may not have the many other deficiencies in my life sorted out but if I can get physically stronger and healthier than I have been in a long time it will give me a lot more confidence that I would hope would then spill over into other areas of my life. And if I can show up looking good and feeling good then I’m not as likely to get showered with pity by people I care about, which is the main reason why I’m being anti-social in the first place. Just thinking out loud here and rambling. Had a pretty heated fight with my mom yesterday, which should’ve been helpful to get some things out and in the open but she didn’t hear a word I said. I just have to ...

Had French Toast for dinner. It was only just OK french toast from a restaurant I love but can do much better. Incidentally I only found out this evening that this restaurant - Kerbey Lane Cafe - which has a few locations in Austin and is a very popular place was actually first opened in 1982 the same year I was born. Cosmic or coincidence? Who cares? Found out that someone who lives in the area has lost their 16-foot “pet” python that happens to be pregnant. She claims the animal likes dogs, but is unfriendly toward cats. Yikes. It’s one of those white & yellow ones, so at least it should be easier to spot. Yikes. I hate snakes. I don’t understand and don’t care to understand people who have reptiles for pets. Maybe it’s a bi-product of growing up with farm animals, but I am strictly a cats & dogs person for the rest of my life. Might make an exception for a goat or a horse in the right circumstance, but no other farm animals, reptiles, birds, or anything in the rat/mice fam...

My dad was laid off a year and half ago on his 60th birthday by a company he had been with for over ten years. He’s only had a few short-term/temporary jobs since then, much like myself in the past year, but today on my 35th birthday my dad got a very good job with the University of Texas. Things will be far less stressful for my mother and father now, as they can get back on track with planning their retirement. I used my birthday wish early this morning hoping he would the get job at the interview today, so he owes me his next birthday wish. I just hope I am not still looking for employment when that birthday wish will come up in February 2018.

once upon a time there were endorphins surging, pulsating, pushing me onward lifting loosening my limbs tightening my grip i would feel as though i were ablaze awash, basking not bemoaning, not afraid powering through pain for pleasure even the come down was calming but all things being fleeting it is gone lost in memory (4/5/2017)

Zero cheers for not being able to stop yourself from taking a 45 minute long depression/lethargy nap at 6 PM and waking up feeling manic as fuck. yeah i typed as fuck instead of the ubiquitous af i'm a rebel dottie a depressed rebel that needs mental healthcare access

Sobriety is a cake walk compared to my mental health battles. And sobriety has been very fucking difficult. But I’ve kept to it. Passing up a trip with family to New Orleans because what the fuck am I going to do in New Orleans if I’m not drinking, and I don’t want to be around anyone else who is drinking non-stop for a long weekend. I love New Orleans and haven’t been in a while, but I couldn’t even enjoy the very tasty and unhealthy food because I’ve been eating healthy and trying to get in shape and just get my shit together in general, so right now the Crescent City doesn’t offer me a lot incentives to visit. Besides New Orleans is also a place that my ex and I each shared a deep affinity for before we ever met. We talked about going together, but never did. Just another fucking can or worms I don’t want to open. My driver’s license expires on my birthday this Friday. Went to the DMV today to get it renewed so I could take a new picture taken. The new pic is not great, but it is ...

And the first week is always the most cruel. Then there will be Easter and it will be life & death. And late in the month even more. May will come and and May will end with yet even more defeat. Anniversary and execution. Sunshine, flowers, rain storms. April gives and takes. Spring comes in fits and shakes.