TL;DR (Much self loathing and oversharing to follow)
Today is my dad’s birthday. He’s 61 now. It’s weird thinking of him getting older. And me having to reconcile that I too am getting older in a way that is more significant.
Of course he seems older and looks older in ways, but perspective always makes things seem skewered. My parents had some family and friends over for a very low-key birthday celebration. My dad was telling a story and mentioning to one my cousins how his mother (mine and this cousin’s grandmother) is only 16 years older than him. She was just fifteen when she got pregnant, barely turned 16 by the time my dad was born.
My grandmother has been a mother for six decades now, and grandmother for almost 4 decades. She has great-grandchildren and very well could live to see great-great grandchildren born. Yet my father lived through the death of one of his two sons, the failed marriage of his only living child that produced no grandchildren.
He and my mother were both products of large families, and portions of those large families have continued to grow in similar fashion, while other parts (namely me) have not. I have cousins that are a decade plus younger than me that have already married and had kids. I have some cousins that waited longer and were much more stable and successful in their careers before starting families. Other cousins that were teen brides and mothers themselves, that have multiple kids with multiple fathers.
And then there is me. The black sheep in many different ways. That is not say that my very large family has not been supportive of me or hopeful for me to be happy, but I still am very much a horse of a different color. Even the one cousin who was most like me but several years younger is no longer around after she died in a tragic motorcycle accident in August 2015. That is a common thing in our family, lots of tragedy. I’d say my divorce is not a tragedy, certainly not on the level of death, but it has been as impacting to me personally.
I guess one thing that separates me from most of the rest of my family has been that I have not bounced back from my many setbacks as easily. I’ve spent the better part of last year trying to cull some wisdom or advice from their perseverance. So far I’ve come up short. A lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I don’t wish to replicate and perhaps a strength or determination to move on without regret that I can’t find within myself.
My parents are pitied by the rest of the family and close friends for not having the pleasure of grandchildren. My parents have to live vicariously through them. Me having to fend off looks of disappointment and pity and confusion. Passive aggressive comments and talking around the situation. My family has always been very argumentative but not necessarily confrontational. If that makes sense. Fight over stupid shit at the drop of a hat. Hold onto deeper grudges and grievances forever.
I’ve never been bothered much by the pressure of having kids. I have always wanted to have kids and to be a father, but I was never in a rush and never worried about when it might happen. And I’ve lead most of my life by doing my own thing and being pretty comfortable with that. I have maybe not taken risks or missed some opportunity because I chose to put others first before my own wants or needs, and that has not been for the best. Now more than ever I realize that I must put myself first in ways I have never done before, because if I don’t take care of myself I risk losing everything I love and want in life.
It seems only now am I more bothered about not having a family of my own yet simply because I did have one not too long ago. I had a wife and two pets. A home we shared and a community we were a part of. We had a plan to start trying to begin growing our family with children. And that was supposed to stat this year, in 2017.
Now I don’t have any of those. No wife, no plans. Not to mention no job or savings. Not much self esteem left and only a sliver of hope & faith. A year ago when I was still married with a job, even a marriage on the rocks and a job I hated, I didn’t realize how precarious my situation was. How it could all be gone and me be so much worse off.
At this point I don’t even know what it is I’m trying to say here. Just venting I suppose. Still sad, still looking, still not sure what is coming next. When light will creep back into the darkness.
Of course he seems older and looks older in ways, but perspective always makes things seem skewered. My parents had some family and friends over for a very low-key birthday celebration. My dad was telling a story and mentioning to one my cousins how his mother (mine and this cousin’s grandmother) is only 16 years older than him. She was just fifteen when she got pregnant, barely turned 16 by the time my dad was born.
My grandmother has been a mother for six decades now, and grandmother for almost 4 decades. She has great-grandchildren and very well could live to see great-great grandchildren born. Yet my father lived through the death of one of his two sons, the failed marriage of his only living child that produced no grandchildren.
He and my mother were both products of large families, and portions of those large families have continued to grow in similar fashion, while other parts (namely me) have not. I have cousins that are a decade plus younger than me that have already married and had kids. I have some cousins that waited longer and were much more stable and successful in their careers before starting families. Other cousins that were teen brides and mothers themselves, that have multiple kids with multiple fathers.
And then there is me. The black sheep in many different ways. That is not say that my very large family has not been supportive of me or hopeful for me to be happy, but I still am very much a horse of a different color. Even the one cousin who was most like me but several years younger is no longer around after she died in a tragic motorcycle accident in August 2015. That is a common thing in our family, lots of tragedy. I’d say my divorce is not a tragedy, certainly not on the level of death, but it has been as impacting to me personally.
I guess one thing that separates me from most of the rest of my family has been that I have not bounced back from my many setbacks as easily. I’ve spent the better part of last year trying to cull some wisdom or advice from their perseverance. So far I’ve come up short. A lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I don’t wish to replicate and perhaps a strength or determination to move on without regret that I can’t find within myself.
My parents are pitied by the rest of the family and close friends for not having the pleasure of grandchildren. My parents have to live vicariously through them. Me having to fend off looks of disappointment and pity and confusion. Passive aggressive comments and talking around the situation. My family has always been very argumentative but not necessarily confrontational. If that makes sense. Fight over stupid shit at the drop of a hat. Hold onto deeper grudges and grievances forever.
I’ve never been bothered much by the pressure of having kids. I have always wanted to have kids and to be a father, but I was never in a rush and never worried about when it might happen. And I’ve lead most of my life by doing my own thing and being pretty comfortable with that. I have maybe not taken risks or missed some opportunity because I chose to put others first before my own wants or needs, and that has not been for the best. Now more than ever I realize that I must put myself first in ways I have never done before, because if I don’t take care of myself I risk losing everything I love and want in life.
It seems only now am I more bothered about not having a family of my own yet simply because I did have one not too long ago. I had a wife and two pets. A home we shared and a community we were a part of. We had a plan to start trying to begin growing our family with children. And that was supposed to stat this year, in 2017.
Now I don’t have any of those. No wife, no plans. Not to mention no job or savings. Not much self esteem left and only a sliver of hope & faith. A year ago when I was still married with a job, even a marriage on the rocks and a job I hated, I didn’t realize how precarious my situation was. How it could all be gone and me be so much worse off.
At this point I don’t even know what it is I’m trying to say here. Just venting I suppose. Still sad, still looking, still not sure what is coming next. When light will creep back into the darkness.
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