After Burn

Created an online dating profile just to see if that would spur me on in some way. Barely lasted 24 hours before deleting. It's fucking ridiculous. Unreal. I hate everything about this. I wasn't built for this. Am I actually crazy? I mean legitimately insane. This is supposed to be normal? How is everyone acting like I'm not going through major fucking life-ruining trauma?! Am I crazy? Or just weak? Or just so broken & bling I can't even see it? I'm angry at God. I'm angry at the world. I'm angry at her for questioning me, for losing faith, for lying, for cutting me off without knowing where we stand. I'm angry at myself for not being more aware, for the mistakes I made, for not being accept my fate. I'm angry at every smiling face and happy couple. I'm angry at my brother for leaving me alone. I'm angry that everyone and everything in my life I have ever loved and poured my heart into has let me down and has never loved me back the sam...

L & I got to know each other while doing a play together in January/Feb. 2013. Our first date was the Tuesday after the show closed. I had been heavily involved with this particular community theater since its inception in July 2010. The owners and operators being good friends and mentors. I continued being active with the theater during the Spring and early summer of 2013 while L and I were dating, but decided to take a sabbatical after L had to move 300 hundred miles away due to her work in Late June of that year. Only a few months in we found ourselves in a Long-Distance Relationship. It was tough. I was focused on finding a job and place to live in the area where she was, while taking every opportunity I could to visit her. She encouraged me to remain involved with the theater while I was still able to, but I was stubborn about it. I needed a break anyway, and wanted to be able to put my plans to move in motion ASAP if a job offer came. I ended up not being able to move unt...

I feel guilty every time I say her name in front of my mother. Feel awkward the moment I mention her in front of friends or family. I don't do it on purpose. Just in passing. I would have to go out of my way to not say her name, and I thought I was not supposed to be holding anything back (although of course I am). It's not even that I am saying her name because she is always on my mind (which she is) but rather because even small talk is dominated by the frame of reference for the time we were together. I wonder if she says name much at all to anyone. I imagine not. I wonder if her family or friends inquire as to how I am doing. And if so, what does she say? She can only assume. We aren't talking to each other. I tried to keep reaching out, but her seeming disinterest and lack of reciprocation led me to follow suit. Perhaps nobody is asking about me, if for no other reason than they don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Perhaps she is experiencing the same restr...

I wish I wasn’t so hurt that she didn’t send a text or call or anything. No acknowledgement of me doing something I love for the first time in three years. Something she encouraged me to do in this process. And maybe she isn’t even paying attention anymore. I’m hurt, but I am not surprised. We were going to check in with each other at least once a week. But it has only been me to reach out. She’s been in town twice, and told me she wanted to meet up, but has backed out. When I have called her it has been awkward and feels like small talk, which I would say who gives a fuck about small talk, except I know we’re both trying to avoid each other’s social media presences for the time being so of course I am dying to know how is she is doing day to day. I want to know the big and small stuff. I want to be able to tell her what I am thinking and feeling. I know I am just making it harder on myself. Harder on her. I don’t know why. I’ve never had this problem before. Letting go of people has a...

After nearly an entire month's worth of monsoon-like weather with heavy rains & flooding, the sun is out and the rain has gone away (for now). Metaphorically speaking the dark clouds are still lingering. I've been dealing with some nasty muscle pain in my shoulder & neck. Meds make me dopey and tired, which my depression was already doing a good job of, so now I just blah my way through the day without getting much done. The brakes on my vehicle are shot. Can't afford to fix them. Having no luck whatsoever in job hunt. Just keep having the same arguments in my head over and over. Always coming to the same conclusion, but not the one I need. Not hopeless, but helpless.

Don't let that teacher take advantage of you. He seems cool and supportive of you, but he is a creep and manipulative. He does not give constructive criticism, he projects his own insecurities and hangups.  Find a way to stay involved with Tennis even through the end of Senior year despite your commitments to the Drama Club and One-Act Play. If you aren't able to do this, at least try to avoid having a falling out with Coach Johnson, you'll miss that relationship. And don't take too many breaks from playing tennis regularly. It will always be a healthy and fun outlet, embrace it. Start preparing for college NOW. You're already behind at this point. You do okay in school without trying very hard but college is worth striving and trying for. Don't worry about what college or what major yet. That will sort it self out in time, but don't wait for it to all fall in place. It will be so much harder the longer you wait. Ask out more of the girls you like. You...

Stay up late (even by my standards) last night and slept in this morning, missing a work call for set construction for the play I am currently in rehearsals for. Even if I had not slept in, I imagine I would have skipped the work call because I awoke with searing right shoulder pain that radiated up my neck and down my back. I toss and turn all night, even during a good night’s rest, so it is not uncommon to wedge myself into an odd position and awake with some aches or discomfort. But it usually goes away in a few hours and after some OTC ibuprofen. That did not work today. I was an easy 8 on the pain scale (10 point pain scale used commonly at Doctor’s offices). And that is saying something because I have a high threshold for pain. My mom gave me a tramadol, which she is prescribed for chronic pain after a severe broken leg and knee replacement from years before. She also insisted I put some peppermint oil on the pained area because she is into that essential oil stuff. I’ve trie...

Trying to understand if I'm having an urge or a desire. As in “Do I have a sudden urge to die, or is it something I desire?” Leaning toward urge. Another way of saying it could be: “I wish I were dead right now.” Tomorrow I will probably feel differently but being triggered in a major way right now. Sadness, disappointment, confusion, frustration have all been regular visitors lately but at this exact moment it is transforming into hatred. Feels like God hates me so why wouldn’t I make the feeling mutual.

P.J. & F.E. - I miss the cuddles, the playing around, the amusing sleeping spots. I even miss breaking up the fights and taking care of them in general. This squiggly Palm Tree outside of the Walgreens closest to our home. A place I frequented often, so much so that the friendly staff recognized and remembered me. I miss all the palm trees, and citrus groves. I miss the sunshine and breezes. Despite the fact that we lived on a busy (and often noisy street) I miss the quiet lanes nearby in the neighborhood, ideal for long walks. I miss our backyard. I miss the place where I could sit and think. The place where I could roll around in the grass with the cats. The place where we made s'mores and had water balloon fights. I miss not being able to see how you will continue to make it more beautiful with plants and flowers. I miss not be able to put up the hammock or play games of croquet. I miss my favorite selfie spot. The red brick and natural light. I love myse...