After Burn

Shit the bed tonight at the show. Was just off from the beginning, then I zoned out and missed an entrance, leaving the other actors onstage to improvise a reason to send someone offstage to get me. We had a sold out house and my parents were there, can’t say my part impacts the show that much so it was still well received. But I hate having an off night. Oh well. Got another weekend of “Of Mice & Men” next weekend as we take the show to another small town that has a renovated theater space, but no theater company that produces show. Meanwhile I’ll be grinding away at rehearsals for the production of “Cinderella” that opens on February 9th. Have no idea what kind of costume I have to put together for that. And starting on Monday to work on an original play that is dark & twisted, which I have a lot of dialogue in, that opens in mid-March. Worried I’ll be too burned out once that show is done to be involved with “Pride & Prejudice” in April or “Sweeney Todd” in June. O...

It’s very depressing when most of your socialization is with people that are apathetic and/or mocking toward important things going on in the world. But what else should I expect when they are mostly middle-aged, middle-class white people in Texas. Just because I’m in the Austin area and involved in the performing arts doesn’t mean that I’m not also a very isolated liberal snowflake who feels like he can’t relate to people I spend most of my time with, whether at work or home or within my community. And even when I do meet or befriend someone who claims to be a progressive or whatever, they still have a lot of shitty beliefs that gobsmack me and they don’t care about challenging their beliefs or actually learning, progressing. They are stuck in the 70s thinking the world was perfect then.

Being in rehearsal for two shows and in performances for another all at the same time while also working full time and having an over 125 mile per day commute means I have maybe 45 minutes of wind down time to myself at night. Anxiety is amped up juggling so much work and responsibilities, but I keep telling myself it is worth it and will be good for me in the long run. And eventually, maybe within the next two months I’ll get some time to get back in with my doctor and re-start my meds, which will he’ll a lot. And I’m so busy that I’m only spending money on gas and groceries, so I should be saving money more quickly by not spending much at all on entertainment or other luxuries. If I can get back on my diet. Squeeze in workouts when I can. Stay on track with everything I’m doing. Maybe by summer I’ll have paid down my debt and have gotten myself my own vehicle again, which means I can start saving & looking for my own place to live; and maybe even start looking for a better job a...

Opening night went well. Lost a button on my vest after the fight scene. Had plenty of compliments after the show in how unlikable my character was. Tomorrow night we do a full on Q&A with the audience post show hosted by the local library, which has a book club that just read “Of Mice & Men”. That should be cool. No babysitting this weekend. Can take it easy tomorrow. Will go by fast, as weekends do. 

Horrible final dress rehearsal last night for “Of Mice & Men”. But then again rehearsals have been sluggish the entire time. The director is an actor I’ve worked with in many shows over the past 6 years, but this is the first show I’ve been in that he has directed. He’s been pretty hands off, which isn’t always bad, but this material has a lot of nuance that I don’t think we’re achieving. My character is pretty one dimensional, on purpose, but I think I’ve done enough to give him a little bit of depth. Opening night will be what it will be. Maybe we’ll surprise ourselves. Get no time off. Three weekends of this show. Go right into rehearsals for “Cinderella” next week. I don’t know what I’m doing at all in that play yet. Also already working on an original play that goes up in March that another actor friend has written and is directing (both a first for him). It’s dark, dense, and strange material. Follow that up with possible productions of “Pride & Prejudice” in Ap...

I’ve had two moments today that felt like they were the universe taunting (torturing?) me. I’d like for that to happen less. I try to not pay attention, but that never works. You can’t run away from it. Have to embrace the suck. Own it. Then it can’t hurt you as much. Much easier said than done, of course.

Have written and deleted several times now something to say about Aziz Ansari. I’m disappointed and disgusted in him, but after the icky feeling I had watching Master of None Season 2 I can’t say that I am surprised. I know that as a man, who strives to be a good ally, must remain dedicated to questioning all men (including & especially myself) and listening to all women. And by listening I mean being open to what they have to say, to the experiences they share and most importantly what they want going forward. I can’t just be satisfied with feeling like I know it all and have done nothing wrong so I can just continue to do what I’ve always done.

I’ve been stress eating, not getting back on my diet since the first of the year. Just work and rehearsal and over three hours of driving in the car each day. I have no time for anything else or to even rest properly or exercise. This weekend I absolutely need to decompress. Won’t have another free weekend for at least two months. This past weekend I started organizing my shit and trying to pare down stuff. I wasn’t able to find a storage unit available nearby that was in the size or price range I’m desiring. And I didn’t finish with my big organization project so I’ve got shit all spread out and in deliberate piles. Try to do a little bit each night when I get home. My health insurance is effective now, but I can’t time off from work to go to a doctor until I’ve got six months in, I’m only at 3 months as of this week. Can’t find a primary doctor with evening or weekend hours. I just want to get re-started on my depression and anxiety meds. Been off them for over a year and half no...

I’ve made promises to people that I should and most likely will keep even though I’ve over-extended myself already in this new year. Going to be a very busy first quarter of the year. Trying to not push aside my own agenda for that of others, but there is only so much time, money, and me to go around. I just keep repeating the chain of events in my head over and over to stay focused on my tasks. Finish paying off my debt, then I can save up to get a new car, then I can save up to get my own place to live, then I can save up to find a better job. Piece by piece. One thing leads to another. Won’t happen all at once. Will be a long process, but this is what I want. Not the stagnation I’ve been in. Today I plan on getting a storage unit nearby so I can give my parents back some of the space I’ve been taking up since I moved back in. I donated a few bags of clothes and other items to charity last week, but I can probably find more things to get rid off as well. Lighten my load in areas wh...