Sometimes, all you can do is lie in bed, and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart. - William C Hannan
Posts
A Political Rant That Is Decidedly Not Apolitical.
Look at Alex Jones, Milo Yiannopoulos, Mike Flynn, Steve Bannon, Richard Spencer, etc.. & tell me Hillary was wrong about “deplorable” or “irredeemable”. I remember reading reports from the Southern Poverty Law Center about the rise of hate groups, specifically anti-government and white nationalist in nature, that sprung up in America after the election of Barack Obama. That was a direct to response to the progress and diversity that President Obama’s administration represented. We now have a stunning and sudden rise in both random and organized racist, misogynist, antisemitic, Islamophobic, and transphobic hate speech & violence. And this is being done as a celebration of the newly elected President who does nothing to curb this mindset, and actually has gone out of his way to fuel the fire with lies, misinformation, and by giving power and legitimacy to these deplorable and irredeemable scumbags. Flynn has resigned. And he should be investigated properly and jailed, but...
February 19
Today, February 19th, is the birthday for the fictional DC Comics character Bruce Wayne/Batman. It's happens to fall on a Sunday this year. Four years ago Bruce's b-day fell on a Tuesday. Very random to most anyone reading this but one man's randomness is another's very accurately crafted memorial.
not my words, but words I know
"I want you to drunk text me. I want you to think about me. Please fucking think about me sometime because the only thing i do is think about you." - unknown "And suddenly, we were strangers again." - unknown "I will never be enough for you, until I search inside and find the way, to be enough for me." - William Chapman "Human relationships are strange. I mean, you are with one person a while, eating and sleeping and living with them, loving them, talking to them, going places together, and then it stops." - Charles Bukowski "…Once you’ve been head-over-heels in love with somebody, you don’t go back to being ‘friends’. It doesn’t work that way." - Lauren Baker "Calm down, heart. Please." - Colleen Hoover "I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I’ll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I’d do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets....
Memes
Another in a very long line of horrible things about getting dumped or breaking up with someone is coming across memes that you know they would love, but you can’t show them and you have no idea if they’ll ever see it and you just want to be able to show them because you know it would make their day a little brighter and seeing them happy makes you so happy, which you realize is actually pretty selfish because they don’t want you anymore and don’t want you to try and make them happy anymore, so the only way to make them happy is to just respect their wishes and leave them alone.
Yet another rambling and too long personal story
I was listening to NPR on the way back from the gym earlier this evening and they were broadcasting an interview & discussion with Lupe Fiasco about his skateboarding anthem “Kick, Push”. It was originally recorded at the time the song was first released, which they mentioned was in 2007. I was flabbergasted that is has been going on ten years since that song was released. Still feels like it was yesterday to me. Fucking time, man. It’s past midnight now here in Central Standard Time which means it is officially February 19th. Four years ago on that date I had a seven & half hour long best first date of my life with the woman I eventually married and still am completely head over heels in love with to this very day, which is now just shy of three months since the divorce was finalized; and going on nearly seven months since we last saw each other in person. Fucking time, man. Fucking life. Gives and takes away. I didn’t even bat an eye at Valentines Day, but this anniv...
Why is everything I write these days so damn long-winded?*
I’ve been in contact with a career counselor at a local community college on and off for most of the last year, which is the same time period of me being under or unemployed when I voluntarily left the career I was in and folded the small business I was running. I won’t go into all the details again about how one of the major reasons why I even considered making a career change and risking the insecurity and instability of joblessness was because at the time I made the decision I had the full support of a spouse who after two weeks of me being out of work decided she just wanted to end the marriage instead. But I digress. It was ultimately my choice and I made it and I have had to live with it. I’ve spent the bulk of my adult working life (nearly 17 years) in two fields: healthcare administration and insurance. I have burned out on both of them and don’t desire to further my career in either field, but alas that is where most of my experience is so I have had to continue seeking at...
Drunk on Geek
If Warner Bros. & DC want someone to just come in an execute a vision they already have for this Batman movie causing so much trouble then I am more than happy to do the job. I can probably dig around and find some old VHS tapes of stop-motion short films I made with Batman figurines when I was 13. My favorite is the Batman/E.T. the extra-terrestrial team-up to take down my little brother’s Power Rangers after they went rogue. And if Affleck wants out of the role that’s fine too. I’ll just hit up my boy Jake Gyllenhaal and convince him to finally make the jump into the Superhero game. He was very nearly a replacement Spiderman and was on the short list when Christian Bale got the role in Batman Begins. Part of me wishes there is an alternate universe where Jake did play Bruce Wayne/Batman in Chris Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy and Christian Bale still makes everything else he’s already appeared in except he doesn’t take the John Connor role in Terminator: Salvation and somehow that p...
Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it sure does change your perception of the things that have hurt you in the past.
Ten years ago today, on Valentines Day, I was dumped. By someone I worked with. In the parking lot of our workplace and shortly before we were to head out for our plans that evening which included taking in a play and a dinner. I have recalled this story many times over. It sounds much worse than it is. A few months after that Valentines Day break-up I had a nervous breakdown and was even hospitalized after a panic attack and an overdose of pain medication. The break-up itself didn’t actually have much influence on the myriad of serious mental health issues I was struggling with. No, it was a life long battle of depression, PTSD, childhood sexual abuse, and emergence of substance abuse as a coping mechanism in adolescence. Then in my early 20s I experienced a further rough go of it with my troubles of not staying in college, my brother’s suicide, followed by the stroke and eventual death of my grandmother, the pressure of me suddenly having a burgeoning and successful career and ha...
Trumped Up Trickle Down
My head is spinning. Which I imagine will not be a uncommon occurrence during this corrupt & deranged Trump presidency. Michael Flynn was a tin foil hat wearing conspiracy theorist & Islamaphobe, who was utterly unqualified to be NSA and very likely committed multiple acts of treason. This is just the beginning. Either Trump & Pence knew of his actions and were complicit, or they were duped and have proven their own ineptitude after only 24 days in office. And Flynn’s immediate replacement is Keith Kellogg (yikes!) with rumors that David Petraeus is in running to be next full-tiime replacement (YIKES!).
This is what I sound like when it is late and I've been watching too many Fraiser reruns
Wait, tomorrow is Monday? Today, or technically speaking yesterday was Sunday? Huh? It’s late, or is it early? What year is this again? Donald Trump is President. Okay that means we’re living in the darkest timeline. It’s February. But not a leap year, so only 28 days. The University of Connecticut Huskies Women’s basketball team started a winning streak on November 23, 2014 that has now reached 99 consecutive wins (going for 100 on Monday evening). At the time the streak started Trump was still over six months away from officially announcing he was running for President. I got married, got divorced, had three different jobs, and lived at three different addresses all during the span of this streak. I guess you could say I’m something of a losing streak that could rival the Huskies’ dominance. But then you probably wouldn’t say that because it’s pretty mean. Not that it’s out of the realm of possibility that someone on the internet would say something mean to someone else. This is th...
Even something as simple and innocuous as cleaning the house, sweeping and mopping the floors, brings back a flood of memories. Followed by tears and a headache. It’s got to be unhealthy. I want to write about things that aren't painful. I want to write about happy things. Fun things. I want to write about all the lovely normal, boring, mundane things of life that we often take for granted when we are content. If I could find an unfettered way to bide my time I would. Even something pragmatic that doesn't dig too deep beyond the surface. And yet everything comes back to the brokenness. Wounds heal slowly. The red blood cells work and work. New tissue is formed. Scars may be left behind when healing can not be completed. It's natural to scar, but how many scars can we live with? How many unhealed wounds? How many trite metaphors can I write about without saying at all?
Posted this to Twitter. Feeling pretty down this late evening. Stupidly checked my ex's social media. Made things worse. Got a lot of stuff rattling around the noodle. "I feel things so deeply, I could feel things start to shatter in me when I’m sad. There’s glass everywhere." - unknown Broken glass is a good metaphor. But how do you repair broken glass? You get new glass in most. So is it even repair when it is something new? A replacement. They aren't the same, maybe alike, but different. Maybe it's not the glass that needs repairing but the window. "It’s hard to let go. Even when what you’re holding onto is full of thorns, it’s hard to let go. Maybe especially then." - from Joyland by Stephen King I have never ever had that problem before. I let go of things with ease, maybe to a fault for the first 30 years of my life. Why am I now experiencing so much hesitation and inability to accept things? She let go long ago. If her skin was pierced ...
Had a few days in a row of good workouts from home. Can only go to the gym about once a week right now due to low funds and needing to save on gas money. I’ve paid for this month, but might have to re-assess next month about whether or not I can still afford it. I hope things will have changed for the better for me by then. Was hoping to get another workout in today because physically I feel fine, but my IBS is having none of it. TMI? Eh this whole blog is TMI. There is a chance I might get a day or most of a day home alone this weekend, which would be such a nice relief. I’d be just as happy to have a good reason to get out of the house and be out & about doing something, but alas the aforementioned low funds keeps me home most of the time. So I just have to encourage my homebody parents to go away when the opportunity arises for them. I wish there were something to else to say about the job search that I haven’t repeated ad nauseam here. Had few phone calls, nearly sche...
TL;DR (Much self loathing and oversharing to follow)
Today is my dad’s birthday. He’s 61 now. It’s weird thinking of him getting older. And me having to reconcile that I too am getting older in a way that is more significant. Of course he seems older and looks older in ways, but perspective always makes things seem skewered. My parents had some family and friends over for a very low-key birthday celebration. My dad was telling a story and mentioning to one my cousins how his mother (mine and this cousin’s grandmother) is only 16 years older than him. She was just fifteen when she got pregnant, barely turned 16 by the time my dad was born. My grandmother has been a mother for six decades now, and grandmother for almost 4 decades. She has great-grandchildren and very well could live to see great-great grandchildren born. Yet my father lived through the death of one of his two sons, the failed marriage of his only living child that produced no grandchildren. He and my mother were both products of large families, and portions of those ...
Does it mean something? Of course it means something. It just doesn’t mean what you think or want it to mean. It isn’t as bad as your nightmares would suggest. Or as good as your dreams might hope for. At best it is medium. At worst it is indifference. The one thing worth knowing most is that that it is not everything. It’s just one thing. Just some shit I wrote. Poetry or a pep talk? Who knows?