After Burn

This is my first at home alone NYE in a while. But I spent many NYE like this through my twenties. Back before streaming & binge-watching was ubiquitous like it is now I often binged some movies and tv shows. One year I watched the entire series of Simon Pegg’s “Spaced”, another year it was the first season of “True Blood”, and then the first season of “The United States of Tara”. Of course in those days I was getting plastered as well, something I am not doing tonight. I think back to a few New Year’s parties I attended in my twenties, never with a date, and often retreading to a bathroom to miss the countdown because I didn’t want to stand there toasting alone and not kissing anyone sticking out like a sore thumb. Jesus Christ it was pathetic. Is that going to be my future again? And if you go back even further to that most memorable of New Year’s Eve when 1999 became 2000 I actually didn’t stay up long enough for it. I missed ringing the year 2000. I was seventeen, a senior ...

 "Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come- Whispering ‘It will be happier’ " -  Alfred Lord Tennyson

I finally saw “Rogue One” yesterday. Will probably take a few days (and maybe another viewing) to process my feelings on it wholly but for time being I am left realizing this is what my life has become. That I can’t make it through a new Star Wars movie without a few crying spells. I cried tears of joy the moment the music hit and the opening crawl started during “The Force Awakens” and then cried a few subsequent times throughout the movie. The tears today while watching “Rogue One” were more somber overall for he obvious reasons and for more personal reasons as my life has taken a sharp decline in the year that passed between the release of these movies. But there is another Star Wars movie coming next December. I don’t know what Episode XIII has in store for us but maybe there will once again be tears of joy mixed in with the tears of sadness. Hope.

Only got about 3 hours of sleep last night before having to get up and head over to a neighbor’s for yet another Christmas get together. These neighbors are more like family. My friend Chris and his wife just had a baby boy a few weeks ago, so had to meet the baby. They have a 6 year-old and a 2 year-old, and Chris’ sister has a 6 year-old and a 3 year-old. And their parents have a bunch of energetic friendly dogs. Suffice to say I am wiped out after the running around, wrestling, playing fetch, playing wiffle ball and pushing on swings.  Now my parents are about to have some friends over, a couple they’ve been friends with since long before I was born. I like them well enough and have spent many a holiday with them, but I’m just not in the mood for even more 3rd or 5th wheel activity. I can’t take anymore pity laden “How are you?” or “Are you doing OK?” queries. Even I am honest and tell ‘em I’m not okay I just get the pap response of “You just gotta move on..” w...

1st Christmas post-divorce was at best okay. It certainly could’ve been worse, but it was quiet and simple enough. I wore myself out playing with an energetic 8 & 6 year-old on a trampoline. Realized while my stamina is better than I thought it was, I’m still terrible out of shape. Watched the 2016 remake of “The Magnificent Seven” which was serviceable and entertaining. Not much really dampened the sadness though. I love my family, but I do not feel at home with them.

It’s kind of amazing that I have been able to stop using recreational drugs, quit smoking cigarettes, stopped drinking alcohol, and a number of other things I did in my youth that were dangerous. I had a motorcycle in my mid-20s. I used go cliff diving regularly. Used to have casual sex with people I barely knew. I’ve been able to curtail those behaviors for years, often without any relapse or backsliding. And yet no matter how many times I try to I can not stop eating fucking cheese. I was diagnosed lactose intolerant when I was eight years-old, so I’ve spent the super majority of my life knowing that I shouldn’t eat cheese, that the reason I so often feel sickly is because of not excluding dairy completely from my diet, that when I have in fact pulled that trick off for short periods of time I have felt so much better; all of that empirical & personal evidence and I still can not fucking stay off cheese. I can and mostly do stay away from other forms of dairy, but cheese is m...

I know nothing magical is going to happen to once 2016 is over and we are living in 2017. But it doesn’t stop me from wishing the next nine days would go by in a blink of an eye. Fuck this holiday season. Unless you actually are having or are planning on having a happy Christmas and New Year. In which case good on you. There is still laughter and love and celebration aplenty. I don’t deny that. I usually love this season. I’m not going to begrudge anyone else for having joy simply because I do not. I’m an asshole, but I’m not a fucking asshole. I'm just dealing with a case humbugness due to my entire life being in constant chaos and aimlessness. I hate the minutia of the Holiday season arguing and stressing over the many things that the season brings which don't actually matter that much. The feelings of obligation and pressure and unworthiness. The internalized anger and disappointment. Normally I can put up with it, but not in a year in which I won't be spending Chris...

“CrazyHead” on Netflix is crazy good. Highly highly recommend. It’s only six episodes for season one, you can binge in one long night. They better get cracking on Season 2 pronto. I started “The Leftovers” on HBO last night. Heavy shit. Weird shit. But fascinating shit. Been house cleaning and watching it all day. Gonna finish up the second and most recent season tonight. Tomorrow one of my mom’s cousin and husband are getting in town for a short visit. It’s my mom’s family from Kentucky on my grandfather’s side. I don’t have much connection to experience with that side of the family. Haven’t met this particular cousin since I was about ten years-old, which I don’t even remember. And considering I hate my grandfather, who died 21 years ago and was a piece of shit, I’ve never cared about keeping in touch or reaching out to any of the family I am connected to through him. But my mom says they are good people and she goes back to Kentucky frequently. Her cousin is supposedly a die-h...

Other than just being sad to very sad most of the time I also seem to be in a nearly permanent pissy mood and I don’t like it. I just want to be happy and not bothered by everything or whatever the closest proximation to that is. I have a job interview scheduled for next week for a position that I am very much unqualified for but I am trying to not be freaked out or nervous about it. I am trying to convince myself that I have nothing to lose from this. If they don’t hire me no big deal I wasn’t qualified anyway. If they do hire me I’ll be super anxious about how I will succeed but what’s the worst that could happen? I’ll get fired or quit if it doesn’t work out and move on. Moving on is scary and I’ve been having a lot of difficulty spurring myself on, but it is even more scary and miserable to just continue to be stuck like I am.

I have never seen the live-action film version of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” starring Jim Carrey and directed by Ron Howard and have no particular desire to see it. I will likely not purchase one single present or gift for Christmas this year. I had purchased one Christmas gift earlier this year, which was intended for my then still wife, but I don’t plan on giving it to her and will likely just re-sale it at some point. The last time I didn’t buy or give at least one Christmas present was probably over twenty years ago. I’ve always enjoyed giving more than receiving. And this Christmas, which will be depressing on many fronts, is going to be even worse since I can’t give anything but will likely receive a few presents. Have not curated a Christmas playlist on Spotify yet this year, and don’t think I’ll get around to it. I will still have plenty of exposure to Christmas music, which I love, but don’t have the energy or heart to make my own specific playlist. I used to make an...

One thing I sure miss about being married was the talking. Deep stuff, day to day stuff, goofy stuff, bitchy stuff, the just talking an idea out loud stuff. And the listening too. The days when you don’t have much to say at first but hearing the person you love talk about something spurs you on to say something you didn’t think you needed or wanted to say. And no it isn’t always perfect or smooth. And sometimes you make the mistake of not talking. But I miss it. I miss hearing about her day. About what is going on at her work. With her family. Her friends. I miss going on long tangents and rants about things I am enthusiastic about even if she doesn't fully understand what I am talking about. I'm not talking to her or anyone outside of this blog right now. I have always had trouble with talking. I know I didn't talk enough. She needed more from me and I wanted to give more. I know that I failed, but I also know that I would have never stopped trying. And I believe ...

I went to a funeral this morning. Graveyard service in the cold & rain that was thankfully brief. Myrna had been a friend of the family since before I was born. She owned and operated the local general store for the last 25 years and her late husband once owned a business with my late grandfather. My brother and I grew up friendly with two of her grandsons that lived in our neighborhood and were our age. She was always kind and generous, but had been in declining health in recent years so I can’t actually remember the last time I saw or spoke to her. It appears that the store will be shut down, possibly sold off, as there are issues with dividing up hers and her late husband’s estate among the many remaining family members. I am unaware of the complex nature of the details pertaining to their situation, but it will be shame to lose the store. Many of the independent “mom & pop” stores in this area have started closing after being open for decades due to the influx of Dollar G...