After Burn

The last time I went to a NYE party as a single person was 2010 (going into 2011). I did actually have a very good time that night. Good company, good food, not too big of a crowd, discovered I was a fucking star playing Just Dance on the Wii. But it was all couples, save me and one other single dude. So it was of course awkward not having a midnight kiss. I don’t know what that is still a thing that could or should or does bother me. Perhaps it is for the best I have no plans for this evening. And I was newly single (and newly divorced) on NYE last year but I can not for the life remember what I did specifically. I know I just stayed home. My parents went out to a party with some friends. It does not appear I will be going out anywhere tonight. Haven’t been invited anywhere and don’t have a clue where I would go otherwise. Will be home with my parents and helping babysit my 1 year-old cousin this year. Don’t even care if I end up asleep before midnight. Last NYE I spent with my ...

Rough sleep last night. Woke up from a night terror at one point drenched in so much sweat I had to make sure I didn’t wet myself. And when I woke up to start the day after even more night terrors I somehow tweaked my right hip. Painful to walk this morning. Getting old sucks. Every time I eat for the last week and half I feel sick. And I’m tired all the time.  My mom was giving me grief about not having any New Year’s Eve plans. I do have plans. My plan is to sleep as much as possible this three day weekend when it gets here. Let the shit show of 2017 end the same way awful 2016 did, with a whimper.  And forge ahead in 2018. 

Finally going to see The Last Jedi this evening with my 17 year-old cousin, who has already seen it, but not until 10:00 PM. I’m very pooped from a long and full (but mostly good) day. Hope I can make it until then. Ate more than I should have and it was tasty by unhealthy. Might go take a walk looking at Christmas lights to burn some calories and get my energy up. I’ve got tomorrow off, so I can sleep in and rest before rehearsal in the evening and then back to work on Wednesday. Only have New Year’s Day off the following week, but I’ll take it. My insurance will have kicked in by then but I can’t use or request any PTO until I hit the six month mark at work, which will not be until April. So hoping to take some time off around my birthday to go get caught up with my physical exam, eye exam, dental exam, etc.. And maybe by next summer I’ll have enough time & money saved to take some sort of thrifty vacation. Hope everyone has been having as good a Christmas day as possible, wh...

Have been feeling a bit under the weather last few days. Working in a medical office you never know if it’s just something viral or if it’s just psychosomatic. Could be a little bit of both. Had been looking forward to finally seeing The Last Jedi tonight, but I can’t get anyone to go with me. Not sure what horrors the work day will bring me, but I’m considering just going home after heading to bed. Ask my parents not to wake me up until Christmas morning. And maybe not even then. 

Today was certainly not the worst day I’ve had at work during my nearly 3 months of employment in this office, but it was still a rough (very busy, short staffed) day and I want to cry out of frustration. I want to cry 😢 about things all the time, but rarely do out of just frustration alone. Must have reached my anger quota for the year, just skipping straight to tears. One more day before a very welcome (although probably not stress-free or relaxing) four day weekend.

As a birthday present for someone that still means so much to me even though we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in over a year I will not beat myself up today. Even though I really want to. And even though it feels like I very much deserve it.  I can not force myself to be happy, but I can force myself to be humble and grateful, since I certainly have reasons to be both no matter what else is going on.  I can do better today. 

Headed out to spend an evening at the theatre and socialize, even wore a spiffy seasonal sweater (as seen above) but I had a flat tire in the cold & heavy rain on the way to the show. So by the time I got the spare tire on I was dirty, sweaty, soaked, and running late. Suffice to say I did not make it to the show. Hate to have missed it and to have wasted $15 on a ticket. Got back home and spent the evening helping babysit my just turned 1 year-old cousin. Just got her to sleep. So now I’m eating some cold leftover spaghetti and wondering if I can find a place to get a new tire on a Sunday. I did get some Christmas gift wrapping done earlier, but mostly this weekend is looking like a washout. Going to be a busy and crazy week ahead, would’ve been nice to have gotten some friendly adult interaction tonight.

I was so tired all day. Been tired all week. Finally got to just come home after work with no rehearsal or shopping or anything else to do. Had to spend my lunch break in a mandatory seminar going over health insurance info. Which I don’t need to hear because I’ve already filled out my enrollment paperwork and picked my plans. And they provide us with detailed info on everything through PDF a week ago. But some HR schmuck gets paid to do this song and dance. I never eat lunch in the break room because it’s cramped and I don’t eat the meals being provided by drug company reps most days. And I like to eat my lunch alone in my car because it gets me out of the office, gives me a nice walk down and up stairs and a hill. I listen to a local sports talk radio show and just clear my head. Kind of sad, but most days it is the highlight of my day. Looking forward to the Holiday season being over. I'll have my insurance first of the year. Can try to get re-started on depression & a...

2017 has been an awful year and there is a good possibility that this coming week could be another level of terrible (Roy Moore being elected to the US Senate, Net Neutrality being gutted) so don’t be that fucking asshole who has to post Star Wars: The Last Jedi spoilers. Let us have one goddamn thing in this miserable end of times.

Cool. Cool. Cool. So this is what happens now on my days off and weekends? I just like get sick and can't do anything fun or relaxing and re-charging. Fuck. And today would've been my little brother Travis' 34th Birthday. I don't really have photos of us from after 1993 because we were mood teenagers that didn't like to take pictures. What a shame. Of course I also wish I had pictures of us together after 2003, but that's just another in a long line of shit I can wish for but will never happen.

My work Christmas party starts in less than three hours. All I’ve done with my day off today is laundry, wash dishes, and other housecleaning. And watch a bad movie - The Circle (2017). I have a bit of an upset stomach. Is that enough of a reason to not go? I shouldn’t have RSVP’d yes. If I can’t enjoy the free food or the cash bar, what’s the point? Making small talk with co-workers and their families? Even worse would be going there and talking about work, or having to talk about myself. Or politics. Or anything. I’ve never done an office Christmas party sober before. It’s terrifying.