Animals by Frank O’Hara

Since my sleep schedule is fucked I decided I’d try to go see a late movie and catch Logan because I do very much want to see it and because I’m already sick of people asking me if I’ve seen it since it is well known fact that Wolverine is my favorite Marvel character from since I was about ten years old. I found a 10PM showing at one of the two theaters in my area that isn’t a crazy long drive away. Took a shower. Got dressed. Headed that way. Pulled into the parking lot. Saw a couple walking out of the theater with their arms around each other. Couldn’t stop the flood of memories associated with this theater (it was first place my ex-wife and I ever saw a movie together on only our third date). Started feeling nauseated and then went straight into having a full on anxiety attack. Never made it out of the car. Not a hysterical type anxiety attack, more of the freeze up on the outside but dying on the inside variety. Lasted about half an hour. Then I drove home.

This is hardly the first time this specifically has happened to me. Went through a pretty bad patch of social anxiety the last time I was unemployed for a long period of time and forced to move back in with my parents. That was just over six years ago. And as hard as that was to get though it feels a thousand times worse now because I lost so much more on the way to where I am right now.