I’ve been up and actually out of bed for over an hour. About three hours earlier than normal for me. Had a dream last that was both intoxicating and heartbreaking and felt very real, but I woke up the moment it seemed it was turning into something even more nightmarish. It actually got below freezing last night and remains quite cold this morning so far. This after having the warmest ever Dec-Jan-Feb on record for Central Texas. The poor plants around here just don’t know if it is still Winter or Spring. I don’t have a green thumb, so I am just aping what I hear from people who actually know about that sort of thing. Wish I had a better attack plan for the day to take advantage being up and alert this early but I am just staring at a vortex of fuckery to untangle. Maybe I can just start with figuring out one thing. Then take it from there.
I just watched “Obvious Child” and my heart fucking hurts so much because it was so funny, beautiful, honest, tender. And it makes me hate my own life and situation a thousand times more tha I already do. I’m supposed to see her on Friday to sign the divorce papers and so she can give me back the rest of the my shit that I left behind in the house that we shared as our home. And when I say shit, I mean exactly that, just crap that I don’t need or want but she can’t stand to have any trace of me left hanging around and doesn’t have the decency to burn it or throw away on her own. Like she even has a photo of me that I had given to her and she wants to return it to me. What the fuck?! It’s for me to process the idea that she is capable of such cruelty. Is it not enough that I am giving her what she wants? Is it not enough that I am left with next to nothing? No job, a broke down car, living with my parents, an entire life and future dreamt of and hoped for dashed. Friends & fami...
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