I went to see a play tonight that a friend of mine directed starring a bunch of other friends and people I am friendly with. I had originally been offered the lead in the play, but I couldn’t get through the script because it was terrible. Thankfully my schedule didn’t work out anyway, so I wasn’t able to do it. But of course I went to see it, because I support live Theatre and my friends. And yeah the show was pretty awful, but they were all giving it their best. Great costumes and sets to say the least.
That part of the evening went just fine. It was good to see everyone and catch up a bit. I didn’t have to field too many pitiful “How are yous” about the mostly depressing state of my life. Nothing has changed for me. Still divorced and heartbroken. Still broke and unemployed and looking for work. Still living with my folks.
Tomorrow will mark two months since my divorce was finalized. Which was the last time I had any contact from my ex, via text, which I didn’t even respond to because I didn’t have a clue as to what to reply with. I didn’t call or text her on her birthday last month or on Christmas or New Year’s. She hasn’t reached out herself in any other way.
I’m not on any dating sites or apps. Not giving that any real thought whatsoever at this point. I’m sure anyone who reading this right now has seen enough of what I tend to blog about from time to time to realize that. I’m not a shallow guy, nor do I think women are shallow in general, far from it. But it’s not exactly going out on a limb to say that a guy who is (as I already reiterated above) broke, unemployed, recently divorced, and living with his parents is far from desirable as a dating prospect. I’ve got some charm, some some kills in the bedroom, and I can clean up okay enough; but not enough to make up for my many current and temporary deficiencies.
For the first few months after the separation I couldn’t even masturbate without getting too sad or distracted. Eventually I just stopped trying and didn’t even think much about it. As of late my sex drive has been wildly fluctuating. With added anxiety coming from the realization that I’m already approaching nearly a full year since the last time I had sex (which was with my ex of course).
We had gone about a month without sex by the time she initially asked for the divorce in mid-March. Shortly after that I asked flatly asked her, having never gone through such a situation, whether or not she believed that our sex life together was now officially over. At this point she hadn’t actually filed for divorce and each day was a chaotic whirlwind of uncertainty for me. I wasn’t sure it was over over yet. So I asked. And she laughed. Like literally laughed hard. I know she was laughing more at how off-guard she was caught by the question, but it also stung quite a bit.
She didn’t even have an answer. Which also hurt. And was a pattern over the next few months of me asking questions or talking with her seriously about something and she would either make a promise or offer her uncertainty only later to break that promise or reveal that she had been certain all along. Even the part of me that still holds out hope for some sort of reconciliation down the road knows that this particular hurt is going to be hard to process and forgive.
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