After Burn

this fucking late night insomniac heartbroken unemployed divorcee with mental illness and no health insurance or much support from friends and family outside of being ignored and told to move on is so trite and exhausting and boring and why can't I just figure out how to fix just one single thing in my crappy life can one motherfucking thing be okay does it all have to be shitty and yeah I know there is an overflow of shittiness in the word I don't mean to trivialize the pain and suffering of millions who have it far worse than I do but I am only one person with one life to live and I pray and try to be a good person but I always fail and fall and I'm trying to be okay because I can't help anyone else or do anything to make the world less shitty until I am okay myself

Feeling very despondent today. Saturday nights and Sunday mornings just aren't the same anymore. I miss the routine, which was not always that routine. I miss the feeling of home. I miss watching her work. I miss the Church. I miss the people. I miss the places. I miss the feeling of home. Had to be said twice. This is not my home. This is not my church. I will go through the motions of a life I once led, but it takes far more out of me than ever before without giving anything back to me. I am trying to pour from an empty cup. I miss my cup being full. How could she ever think it wasn't full? Anxiety, as bad as it is, at the very least doesn't let you forget about that you are alive and you care. Today the sadness I feel is calm. Too calm. I don't know what to do, except to plead for reconsideration. But that is pathetic, likely fruitless, and would cause her more undue harm that I don't wish to inflict on her. I will pray on it. Lord hear my prayer.

I was too stupid to even realize that a big reason why I’ve been so panicky and fucked up today is because today marks 6 months since St. Patrick’s Day AKA the day my wife told me she wanted a divorce at the end of our couples counseling session that day. Holy fucking Hell has my life completely fallen apart in these past six months. I had just quit my job at the beginning of March, with her support. I had just opened up in therapy and to her separately about a major abusive and traumatic event from my childhood. I was doing the hard work. Working on myself. Working on us. She seemed to remain mostly unmoved by whatever I was doing. Distant. Even pushing me away. Angry when our counselor didn’t understand her point of view or agree with it. Maybe it shouldn’t have been such a surprise to me. But it was. It still is six months later. I still can not fucking believe it.  

In case you were wondering being a broke, unemployed, mentally ill, 34 year-old unhappy recent divorcee living with your parents that are always home and have a terrible marriage is a constant fucking nightmare.

Tough day on set. Had to take a lot of shit. Multiple inappropriate outbursts directed at me. Unprofessional and uncalled. for. Most everyone who snapped at me has apologized, or others tried to apologize and excuse their behavior worried I might walk. I very nearly did a few times. Also nearly punched someone. No idea how this crew and production team work like this. We’re understaffed and short on time to finish, okay. Tempers are short and I tend not to take it personal, but don’t question my work ethic. Doing the jobs of three people for a pittance and with my already precarious metal health state is tricky. Angry cried on my drove home. One more fucking day. And then on Sunday I can rest. Then on Monday I have to start push week for a stage production of Harvey I am appearing in and woefully unprepared. Wish I could have given this role and play more of my time. I'm sure it'll turn out fine. Just another level of chaos for the time being. I have to pay some overdue b...

:(

I was just forced into putting a good friend into a tough spot by another friend who I am starting to believe that I don’t need to work with anymore. This all fucking sucks so much. Can’t wait for this job to be over with. I need to trust my instincts more. I’m jumping at anything and everything to distract me, to keep me busy, to keep me moving forward. Because that is what everyone keeps telling me to do. Don’t just sit and suffer. But I’m not finding peace or purpose. I keep throwing myself into more chaos and uncertainty. I need to reset and refocus. I need to calm my mind and body. I need figure out some things before I can move ahead on a new path. I’m not saying it’s good for me to be stuck. It’s not being stuck. It’s just a pause, not a stop

So much drama on the set today, awkward as fuck. I’m mostly sticking to cool confines of my car out of the way of it all until I am called to do something. I missed out on a lot of shit going down yesterday after the day’s shooting schedule - all exteriors with vehicles - got canceled because of rain and storms. One of the producers tried to fire the First Assistant Director, but then most of the crew was going to bail if he got the boot, so instead the producer left the set and won’t be returning. Some of the actors had apparently had complained about the 1st AD. To his credit he has been much nicer and calmer on set today, probably not wanting to tempt fate twice. Jeanine Turner (Maggie from “Northern Exposure”) is on set for her first scenes today. First time we crossed paths she made eye contact and smiled, stopped and introduced herself. I was struck by thin she was and older - I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, it’s just that as she looks now she bears a striking and r...

I’m typing this from my phone. While taking a seat and giving my very tired feet a rest. Filming has just begun. We’re shooting tonight in this old dive restaurant that I am very familiar with. For a large portion of my childhood my family came here to eat nearly every single Sunday after church. The food is not particularly good, but I do remember being adventurous once at age 10 when I tried fried oysters for the first time. I liked them and that became my regular.
I’m not supposed to have a lot of specific work to do tonight, just need to stick close by incase something comes up. The last two days and nights have been so exhausting, finishing up and 3AM and 2AM. I was back up this morning on very little sleep and still battling nasty allergies with a long to-do list trying to tackle it quickly in the morning so I could take a midday break at home before another shoot into the wee hours. Working with a friend, or rather working for a friend on this film has been a learning exper...