After Burn

Passed the test, I suppose. Went for a drive, taking a long way home after rehearsal because I was feeling panicky and very down. Got pretty dark there for a while, I was getting low on gas, was starting to think about hurting myself. A song came on the radio. "Black" by Pearl Jam from their debut album, Ten. A song from my favorite band that is a heavy song to listen to currently for it’s lyrical content and imagery. I already wanted to accelerate to 100mph and just veer into an electric pole. This should’ve push me over the edge. But it didn’t. I made it home. I don’t feel better, not by a long shot, but I know I wasn’t defeated tonight. I thought of calling someone, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m going wash my face, brush my teeth, and try to go to bed. It’s probably going to suck, but it looks like there will be a tomorrow.

"To my favourite person in the world, I know things are over, and I know that means I don’t get to create any new memories with you. I know I have told you not to talk to me again, but every day I talk to you, sometimes in whispers, sometimes in sobs, but every day I do. I know a lot of things now and one of them is how incredibly I miss you, but how that alone is not a great enough incentive to get us to talk again anymore. I know what we had was special and invaluable, and I know it because I know a lot of people, a hell lot of them, and still nothing makes up for the fact that we won’t get to stroll around aimlessly together anymore. I know I am sad, I can feel it every day as I lay my head down to sleep, and I know why I am so, but I also know that I have tried with all my heart for the both of us and it went in vain. I know what would feel good and what is right to do, and it aches me that this time they are two completely different things. I know I had you. I know I lost yo...

I had a dream last night that I was offered a really good, but still realistic even by dream standards job. But it was one of those dreams where inside the dream you dream that you were just dreaming it. Later on in my dream after I was already “awake” I was again offered another very good and realistic job. That is a Black Crows song and a Backstreet Boys song rolled into one.*

Last two nights have been unseasonably cool at night. In low 60s/high 50s. Yes, that is unseasonably cool in Central Texas for early September. The house is so quiet at night with no AC running. It takes some getting used to. And it certainly isn’t helping me get to sleep any easier. The quiet and the cool. The quiet is disarming, the coolness gives me energy. I ate bad today. And felt bad today. Not sure the order or proper causation of that. Overall for the year I’m doing better with diet. Maybe if I’m being generous I’d say I’m at 75% eating right, 25% not eating right. Which is pretty good considering I’ve been at 50/50 for most of my adult life. I just finished Season 4 of Marvel’s Agents of SHEILD and I was surprised by how much I actually liked it. I was ready to give up on the series overall after a very underwhelming 3rd season and two mixed bag earlier seasons. Had a whopper of a nightmare/somber dream night. Last thing I need lingering in my head on any given day but espe...

I’ve been struggling to stay awake today, and having very vivid & upsetting dreams that I am having trouble distinguishing from real life. Feels like my subconscious is nudging me towards something dangerous or drastic. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just too tired

I’ve had premonition dreams before. Or dreams that reveal to me that something is going on that I don’t yet know about. I wonder about what I saw in the dream I just woke up from. I can plainly see the heavy handed symbolism that is recurrent in my dreams (and nightmares, what a thin & often blurred line between them), but I fear the possibility of there being more truth in the absurd circumstances my subconscious just used as the canvas for its melodrama.