After Burn

I'm fairly confident that sleep deprivation is currently the most harmful symptom of my Major Depressive Disorder. So many other physical and mental symptoms stem directly from lack of sleep, anxiety over falling asleep, unrestful sleep, etc.. I've not been able to able to afford regular treatment or medication for over a year. Have been holding out hope for finding work with benefits, but still waiting on that. And in my home state of Texas (and the way things are looking soon the entire country) I'm not liking my chances to qualify for Medicaid or other assistance.  It's July. Which is the month with the anniversary of my brother's suicide (fourteen years on the 16th) and is often the most difficult month to get through. Later this month will also mark one full year since the last time I saw my ex in person, so that is just another wrinkle.  I wish had a better game plan for going into this month. My support systems are not much right now. I'm al...

It has been 417 days since I moved back in with my parents after officially separating from my wife. I have only been employed for a total of six weeks during these past 417 days; including a 3-week stint working on an independent film last September and a 3-week seasonal position at an Amazon fulfillment center. I have had 27 in person job interviews, at least a dozen phone interviews, and even one Skype job interview but not a single job offer to come of it. That translates to roughly one job interview every two weeks. And I’m not even counting the dozen & a half career fairs I’ve attended. I have roughly $6k in debt, which doesn’t seem like a lot in this day & age, but it might as well be millions of dollars when you don’t have a job or even own a car anymore. And the hill you are climbing just keeps getting taller each day. And I haven’t had sex in about 16 months. And the GOP are literally destroying this country and trying to destroy the entire world, so maybe my ...

I know I’m about a month behind the curve but holy shit Hasan Minhaj’s Homecoming King special on Netflix is incredible. And Neal Brennan’s 3 Mics (also on Netflix) is amazing too and released earlier this year. Much better than some of Netflix’s more splashy big name comedy specials in 2017. :::cough:::cough:::AmySchumerLouisCKDaveChappelle:::cough::cough::

1. Depression lies. 2. Addiction lies. 3. There is truth in the pain. 4. But there is truth in joy, too. 5. You know already what you have to do. 6. You just have to figure out how. 7. Don’t forfeit tomorrow. Fight, yes. Lose, perhaps. But don’t give up.

I am a Passenger. I am a Path. I am a Stream. I am a Current. I am a Shock. I am a Light. I am a Fire. I am a Force.

Isn't it Fathers' Day, not Father's Day? Unless you are addressing one specific Father. I always feel the same about Mothers' Day, too. I'm not a grammar expert but I think plural possessive nouns make more sense for these kinds of holidays. Especially when you are wishing a "Happy Fathers' Day to all" as so many tend to do. I'm not a father, never have been and may never be. I was a father figure to a cousin on mine for a portion of his childhood when his biological father was absent (and still is) but thankfully he has a stepfather that is there for him. And he has turned out pretty great so far. My only concern about the grammatical correctness of this holiday is that is very worrisome how widely accepted something can be in this world even when it is not correct. People will just keep going along with something that is wrong out of convenience. Which I imagine is why we have climate change deniers, and why famous (and not famous) men can op...

I am awake and dressed. Prepared to take my father to work so I can borrow his car to go on my job interview later this morning. I have not slept more than 20 minutes consecutively in the past four hours. Interrupted by the recently adopted 2 year-old rescue cat my mom got last Friday. She is a sweet, playful kitty but still getting used to her new surroundings and home. She has also taken to sleeping and hiding away all day long, only to be up all night with increasing levels of getting into everything and crying out. This cycle must be broken soon. And I don’t just mean the night cat stuff.

Fell down an online personality type rabbit hole this evening and my current classifications include: INFP-T (MBTI), The Generalist (enneagram), Melancholic (temperamant), Gryffindor w/Grey Squirrel Patronus (Pottermore/Hogwart's House), and Neutral Good (Moral Alignment). A few of these are different than they have been in the past. Perhaps I have changed. Hopefully for the better.

Good news: I’ve got a job interview tomorrow and the company has several open positions so the odds are better than usual. Bad news: I have to figure out what to do with my face. Do I shave off the goatee and hope that my stubble is subtle enough to not look like I’m a lazy slob, or do I keep the goatee but keep it trimmed until the rest of the beard fills back in. I could also just go completely clean shaven but that will make me feel less confident and if they like the clean shaven look I’m screwed because there is no way I’d be able to keep that up for longer than a week. Other bad news: I’ve vomited three times today in what I’m hoping is just a stomach bug that will be gone by tomorrow.

Just got an email from an HR rep at a chain Sports equipment store that I applied for a cashier position with this very morning. The gist of the email was “are you sure you want to apply for this position?”. Nah, fam. I just like wasting my time filling out applications and taking online assessments over a hundred questions long.  I run into this sort of problem with large corporations, especially retail companies. I had a job interview several years ago with a new Jack-in-the-Box location that was built were I lived at the time. I applied for an entry level position, but they called me in to interview for an assistant manager position. Which I didn’t know until mid-way through the interview. I was told I didn’t have quite enough experience for the management position but they wouldn’t consider me for anything else below that.  I don’t understand it. My resume is not that impressive, why does it give these HR reps so many fits. Yeah, I’ve had a job or two in the past...

It’s almost end of the business day and haven’t heard back from job I interviewed with twice last week. Was supposed to get offer by end of day today if one was coming. Have also been waiting for over an hour & half for another call back regarding an interview with another company. And applied to another job today that has the best benefits & pay of any of these others. This endless waiting game has stop soon. Somebody hire me. Give me a shot. I am barely alive as it stands now.

Slept in till past Noon. Just took an hour & half depression nap. Have done jack & shit today except fight off a desire to just fade away forever.

Obligatory car war selfie post second job interview in two days, a follow up interview. Wasn’t offered job, but should know by Monday.

I have been light-headed, with a constant mild headache and bouts of queasiness all day. Had a job interview this afternoon that went well. I must have been coasting on adrenaline because I felt so lousy but had enough energy to power through it like an actual human being. They really seemed to like me and think I’m a good fit based on experience. I’m going back tomorrow afternoon for a second interview, certainly hope they offer me the job by the end of it. Pay is fair, but no health insurance benefits. Firm work hours of 8:30-5, no weekends or holidays. 2 weeks paid vacation to begin. It’s quite the commute currently, but if it goes well for me and after I save up to buy a car I can then look at moving the fuck out my parents and somewhere much closer to the office in Austin. Fingers crossed, prayers, good vibes, et al. Hope I feel better tomorrow for the next step.