After Burn

I’m relatively tech savvy, but pretty helpless when something catastrophic happens to my laptop of 6 years, which is exactly what happened last November. I bought a simple & cheap new replacement laptop because I just can’t function without a working computer and will wait until I have the means to buy the new computer of my dreams. Have not had the extra money to take the old laptop anywhere for further analysis. The hardware is not worth putting any money or time into repairing. I am just hopeful that I can salvage data from the hard drive. I have many pictures and documents that are not backed up or saved elsewhere (I know). Tonight just for shits and giggles I fired up the old machine and it’s still FUBAR.  I’ve been doing some Pre-Spring cleaning. Gathering up even more clothes and stuff that I can try to sale or just give away. My goodness I had sooo many clothes a year ago. I left behind a box of stuff at the house for my ex-wife to give away at her Church’s rummage s...

I went to see a play tonight that a friend of mine directed starring a bunch of other friends and people I am friendly with. I had originally been offered the lead in the play, but I couldn’t get through the script because it was terrible. Thankfully my schedule didn’t work out anyway, so I wasn’t able to do it. But of course I went to see it, because I support live Theatre and my friends. And yeah the show was pretty awful, but they were all giving it their best. Great costumes and sets to say the least.  That part of the evening went just fine. It was good to see everyone and catch up a bit. I didn’t have to field too many pitiful “How are yous” about the mostly depressing state of my life. Nothing has changed for me. Still divorced and heartbroken. Still broke and unemployed and looking for work. Still living with my folks.  Tomorrow will mark two months since my divorce was finalized. Which was the last time I had any contact from my ex, via text, which I didn’t ...

My father is one of those chronic channel-flippers. If he’s sitting down to watch some television it is never anything specific. He just keeps flipping channels periodically. Watches a few minutes of this, a few minutes of that, maybe comes back to something eventually. And with all the many channels of television available he seems to gravitate to the four or five of the most boring TV networks for his patchy viewing habits. I know Dan Rather has turned into a liberal Internet folk hero with his Facebook published op-eds about the current state of American politics but there is also some channel that airs non-stop episodes of these mind-numbingly dull interviews he has with mostly has-been celebs.  There a thousand little details like this of my daily life that are driving me crazy. I’m tempted to just put that in my CV/Resume: “Please give me a job so I don’t have to live with my parents anymore.” 

Wow. January 2017 has flown by rather quickly. Already a week away from February. I didn’t realize it at the time but my life was just starting to change in very big (and so far, very bad) ways.  It was just over a year ago that my wife & I began marriage counseling. The previous holidays had been bumpy and we were into the back half of our first year of married life. We had meant to do some pre-wedding couples counseling but it never happened as we got too busy.  I was frustrated and deeply unsatisfied with my career. I had chosen this particular job at a time when I had just moved 5 hours away from my family and the place where I grew up and had lived most of my life to be with my then fiance as were planning our wedding which was less than a year away. What appealed to me about this new job was the flexibility it afforded me as an independent contractor I was setting my own schedule and working as much or as little as I wanted to and being able to work from home....

Photographer Prasenjeet Yadav captured this shot of a meteor shower in the sky over South India. I can only hope that it is a meteor shower from the planet Krypton and that Kal El has come to save us from Lex Luthor.

The scariest thing about the Trump administration perpetrating this outrageously unfounded "millions of illegal voters" lie is how they are going to turn it into a tool for further voter suppression in 2018 and beyond. I know it can feel overwhelming thinking of all the many things we have to be vigilant about right now, but voter suppression and gerrymandering and voter apathy might be the most important issue going forward. We already know that “the system” is rigged, but it is not perfectly rigged yet and that is what they want. 

Women’s March (1/21/2017) Texas State Capital in Downtown Austin. Huge turnout estimated at nearly 50,000. My photos don’t do it justice. Was honored to march alongside my mom Janet, my friend Alana who is a musician and advocate, Dan & Mark who are both veterans of the US Army and the war in Vietnam, Monica who is an adoption advocate and professional harpist.  This is deep in the heart of Red State Texas.  I saw and met people of many different gender identities, races, religions, ages, & professions. I saw and met so many young people (under 18) that were engaged and informed and passionate. And all  standing up in solidarity against a newly inaugurated President and Republican controlled Congress that have set their sights on weakening our democracy with hateful legislation, rhetoric, and action.

I don’t know what to do tomorrow, either. Or the day after that or ANY of the days after that. We’ll have to make it up as we go along. If it’s any comfort, that seems to be Trump’s plan, too. I know there are protest marches planned for the 20th and ESPECIALLY for Saturday. And that’s a great idea. I’m glad to see they’re happening in “red” states as well as in D.C., Los Angeles and NYC. But I was thinking… Another thing you could do tomorrow, and Saturday? But ESPECIALLY tomorrow? Leave your TV tuned to a channel like Turner Classic Movies or National Geographic or any channel that will have zero inaugural coverage. Then turn off your phone. Then shut down your computer. And then – IF you can afford it – go find a struggling theater company and pay to see whatever play they’re putting on. Or a struggling art gallery or music club or museum. Leave ‘em money and see what they’re about. Go see an indie film that’s got stellar reviews and no audience. Or a new restaurant or othe...

I’ve ended up in a very bad place tonight. Like most nights are bad, but just feeling it all so much more right now. I need a Xanax or Klonopin in a major way.

I wonder if it is obvious how fragile I am? I am strong in places where I should yield. Weak in the places where I should take action.

Werner Herzog is a fascinating guy, very talented, occasionally makes great movies, but also makes a lot of batshit crazy stuff. My parents are watching this documentary he made recently about the history of the Internet and it’s a bit on the alarmist side and outrageous, which is exactly what I would expect from a Werner Herzog documentary about the history of the Internet. Anyway, my parents are very reactionary and this all blowing their mind. They’re acting like they are gonna go off the grid tomorrow. I’m just trying to keep myself from laughing so hard on the inside and wondering how much longer I’m going to be stuck in this surrealist joke that is my daily life right now.

..she is happy and resolved and doesn't regret anything. She cracks jokes. She is comfortable. I remain crestfallen. Torn asunder. Lost at sea. Running on fumes. All this killing me on the inside surely must be able to seen on the outside. Does anyone else see it? Does anyone believe it? Does anyone care?

it’s not working slippery slopes baseless bravado countless laps around the same track turning & twisting & tearing apart reminders and memories and mysteries unsolved lips lonely, heart heavy, hands lonelier still praying through the pain wishing words to appear on a page it’s not working

My daily routine includes being discouraged at my job prospects. Finding at least one job opening that I feel very good about and psyche myself up for. Tweak my resume and/or application to make me seem like a very attractive candidate for the position. Submit. Immediately regret getting my hopes up. Wait. Wait. Maybe get an email a week later from prospective employer that the position is already filled or they are just not interested in me for it.

 "I am not empty, but what I am filled up with makes wish that I was." - Me (several months ago, and a sentiment that has unfortunately recurred many times since)

I have done well so far with New Year resolutions or whatever you wanna call them. Haven’t had any dairy. I’ve had a salad for lunch each day this year and today I noticed myself enjoying it as much as I would any unhealthy unmindful lunch I might have previously had to eat. I have still had some sweets, well too many sweets, but I’m working on cutting back on sugar. I’m going to join a gym soon. Just checking around different locations and membership details, but I should be able to swing a few months of a no-commitment bare basics gym. Was hoping there would be more movement on the job search front, but it’s a been a slow week. Maybe next week things will pick up after the holidays hangover. I have so far also remained celibate, which is not something I have planned to do for any particular amount of time, but giving it go because it has actually helped me in the past. I still feel mostly sad and depressed and trapped but I’m working on everything and know that things just don’...

My great-uncle James died this morning. He was in his late 80s and had been very sick for a while. Came down with pneumonia over a month ago, was hospitalized and released but never fully recovered from it. My mom was very close to her Uncle James. He was a well-known artist and teacher in his native Lexington, KY and also lived for a number of years in Cincinnati, OH. He was gregarious and kind. I own several of his original works and treasure them. He will be missed and remembered fondly. I am happy that he is no longer frail and in pain. This is sad, but not unexpected news. More unexpected is the strange coincidence, or possibly not coincidence that I was having a dream at some point early this AM (as I did not get to sleep until after 3) about Uncle James visiting my parent's home. It was brief interlude. My parents and I were sitting in the living room and I was watching as my late brother Travis was walking around the backyard with James. It was a short, peaceful dream and...

At times we are forced to change who we are for better or worse. We have to mourn versions of ourselves that can no longer be. I don’t want to be a lesser version of myself. I can’t be who I once was. All I can do is become better than I am now. I keep thinking it is already later in the week. And feeling this weird urgency for the weekend to come. Not sure why. I have nothing going on this week Nothing whatsoever going on this weekend. My life is pretty much in a dead zone right now. If I don’t find a job or a new path or new passion or something that drives me forward soon I’m not sure how much longer I can stop myself from just fading away.

First dream of 2017 was strange, but familiar. I dreamt of a place that doesn’t actually exist except in my dream life. A place I have not dreamt of or even thought of for a very long time. I’m sure any dream analysis would indicate that it represents anxiety over work and lack of prosperity, an encouragement toward vigilance in keeping my mental health a priority, and being more accepting of who I am as a person right now. Fretting less about who I once was and focusing on the now to better influence who I become down the road. Sure thing, subconscious. I’ll get right on all of that.