After Burn

My ex wife had an orange tabby cat named P.J. that was 16 years old when we divorced in 2016. I was very fond of him. And have missed him greatly since I left. My mom recently asked me if I knew how he was doing (she was clearly fishing on info if I knew how my ex was doing) but I didn’t. Because my ex and I haven’t talked in over a year and half and haven’t seen each other in person for two years already. Wow that is hard to wrap my head around. She (my mom that is) just happened to see my ex comment on a Facebook post of a mutual friend about cats and asked her about PJ, to which she replied that he had passed away last August. Essentially a year ago and never said a word to me about it despite knowing how much I cared for the cat and how much he meant to her. I’m sad to hear this news, but not surprised as he was a very old cat and she has not made any contact with me whatsoever since the divorce was finalized. I guess I’m kind of detached to the news in a way. And it also h...

I spent the afternoon chasing around five kids between the ages of 19 months and 10 years old at a skating rink and then at home. Once I dropped them off back at their parents. I actually went downtown to see a good friend’s band play. They’re a classic rock cover band. Sounded very good and had a decent selection of songs. The lead singer/guitarist I’ve known since he was a kid and he could very easily be fronting any band in the world with his talent. Was happy to hear from him recently that he wants to start a new band that is a bit more serious and focused on original songs. But for the time being happy to catch his current outfit rock out in a neat little outdoor venue that was tolerable thanks to an evening breeze. Felt good to get out and do something instead of just napping the day away, which I almost did. I’m sure tomorrow will more of that. Especially since it is supposed to be somewhere around 107, possibly as high as 110 degrees. And it’s not even fucking August yet. The i...

Sometimes I think to myself that I should be further along in my post-divorce life but then I think that maybe I was so wrapped up in trying to be a good guy and not be toxic toward my ex - who had every right to not want to be with me anymore for whatever reason - that I haven’t fully processed or grieved what it felt like to trust someone enough to tell them your darkest secrets and reveal a past weakness; one that you had conquered before you even met them; And then have that be one of the major things that scares them off. And this all while you had made yourself so vulnerable to that person in other ways like shutting down your small business because it was overwhelming you and them telling you they wanted you do it and would be there to support you - financially & emotionally - as you worked together to find a new path; but then less than a month later they decided “nah, you’re on your own now. I’m out.” It’s maybe a week away from it being two years since I’ve last seen...

I guess today will be better than yesterday if all it does is end with me not waking up shortly after falling asleep and vomiting profusely in my bed and then even more hacking and vomiting in the trash can beside my bed for nearly an hour.  I stripped my bed and slept on the bare mattress once I finally calmed down and was able to get back to sleep. I hate re-dressing the bed, but have to look forward to that after work.  Haven’t vomited that extreme in a very long time. Not sure what caused it, probably a reaction to allergies and post-nasal drip combining with anxiety. Defineitly didn’t feel like anything viral or a reaction to something I ate. I don’t feel under the weather this morning. Just tired. And anxious. And very depressed. So pretty much normal. 

Worth remembering on this holiday any year, but maybe especially this year. One of the single most recognizable images representing our country is a powerful woman welcoming immigrants. A gift from an ally. 🗽

Fucking July is just always the goddamn worst. Can’t even get one day into the month without bad news. Just found out that a friend and former co-worker died suddenly today, shortly after coming home from rehab after major back surgery. Sharessa was the warmest, kindest person you could ever know. I am so heartbroken for her husband and kids, and her sister and grandmother that I’ve known for many years as well.