After Burn

I wasn’t even thinking all that much about this date coming up until a bad dream the night before last. Now I’m bogged down in “Sliding Doors” like scenarios. Would she be making jokes about my recent change to wearing glasses like how she was “married to a new man” or “I’m cheating on my husband with this guy in glasses”. Would we be planning our 5th anniversary trip to Italy as we had discussed right after getting married. Excited that it was only two years away. Would we already have started a family. We had agreed to start trying and planning at beginning of 2017. Giving ourselves a year & half of just being newlyweds. Settling into married life before taking that next step. Would we have looked more seriously into a move to D.C. or NYC as had been discussed as possibilities if we ever decided to leave Texas for a new adventure and to be closer to her college friends on the East Coast. Would it all have just fallen apart in another six months or another year if it had...

Not in a good headspace this morning. Had a dream that seemed simple enough, kind of redundant and mean, but it started really knawing at me as I analyzed it while taking a shower and getting ready. Now it’s not even 6AM and I’m already drained emotionally, and I still have to go back to work after a long weekend. It’s going to be rough. Hopefully the hectic and hurried nonsense of my job will be a distraction. But on top of everything else I already feel my mind recalling how much I didn’t get done with these past three days off. Quick Sanding. 

Went to see The Fantasticks tonight at the community theatre I grew up in, but not the one I helped start 8 years ago and have been working almost exclusively with since then. It was a wonderful show, had never seen it before; but had listened to the soundtrack when I was younger. Several people I know that were at or in the show didn’t recognize me, I’m assuming mostly due to the glasses, but also because I just don’t make it to see shows there very often anymore. A woman I did not know came up to me at intermission and told me how much she enjoyed my performance as Mr. Darcy in Pride & Prejudice, which was not something I was expecting but was very nice to be recognized and complimented even though that show was at another theatre and closed a month ago.

Today has just been ridiculous at work so far. Frustrating and annoying, but also strange in ways that normally isn’t. Hard to explain. Just crazy. And on top of that I’m struggling to get adjusted to the glasses. I can clearly read text better with them, but my horizontal vision is askew and it makes me feel unbalanced, even borderline queasy/dizzy. Eye doctor told me to take a week wearing them and if it doesn’t get better they’ll have me come in for a recheck. And I have to keep the glasses on, because if I take them off upon feeling uneasy then everything is blurry and I can’t see.  If I didn’t have a very difficult song to rehearse tonight for Sweeney Todd I’d just skip rehearsal all together to go home and go to bed early. Just so exhausted and overwhelmed this week. Taking my klonopin daily and still needing to get into a dentist because toothache (probably an infection) hasn’t gone away. Such an uncomfortable mess and I just want to sleep. To rest. To have one goddamn ...

I’ve got an eye doctor appointment in the morning. Last eye exam I had was 5 years ago and despite everyone close to me telling me that I need glasses 👓 the doctor didn’t think so, she told me I just had common eye strain from using computers and electronic devices too much. My vision hasn’t improved any since then and I still use computers and electronic devices everyday so I’m hoping there is something they can do for me now. Seeing a different doctor this time, obviously. I know I can see fairly well with things that are far away and things that are very close, it’s the mid range I struggle with. Not sure what that is. Maybe glasses won’t be needed. Maybe it’ll be one of those laser eye surgery things that will fix me up. I don’t know. What I do know is I also have a toothache going on about day 4 and this far have not been able to get an appt with a dentist to start some antibiotics or pain meds. Just using otc treatments right now and they are not working. Pain is starting to g...

I’m at the theater watching “Avengers: Infinity War” again. Overhearing a couple behind me having some very awkward “this is maybe our second or third date and we still don’t know or don’t remember much about each other’s daily life” conversation, which has now segued into talk about movies and they have very different tastes and interests. That said they’ll probably get married and have five kids. And I’ll just keep going to comic book movies alone for the rest of my life.  He just asked if she was Jewish. And she is! And sounded understandably perturbed that didn’t know or remember. This is fascinating and excruciating all at once. I never saw what they looked like. But overhead (on purpose) as we left the theatre that they did not come in the same vehicle, and he was taking too much just trying to keep it going, although she just didn’t seem into it very much. He was saying how much he wanted to see Deadpool 2, as if she would chime in with “Me too! Let’s see it tog...

I was newly unemployed at the time. Had two temporary jobs later that year but did not find full time employment until October of 2017. I’m living paycheck to paycheck, not saving much since cost of living is high and having to buy a car in February was expensive. Paying off my credit card  & other debts slower than I’d like. So I'm still living with my parents for the time being. Considering getting a part time job, but getting jobs has never been easy for me. Have only very recently dipped my toes back into the dating world, and so far only through modern online realms. My experiences so far: Bumble: women that are way out of my league. Tinder: women that are too wild or flaky. OKCupid: a mixture of both. Left wondering why I am even bothering with online dating when I should just look into becoming a celibate monk somewhere and devote the rest of my life to charitable works. *ex-wife as of 11/28/2016