After Burn

Very shaky panic attack last night as I was falling asleep. Hallucinating and night terrors. Sunday nights are so hard these days. Mondays are not any fun, but work is so busy that it goes by fast. I already have too many anniversaries of awful things that I have to endure each year, and now this Tuesday another one on the list. One year since I’ve been divorced. She hasnt texted, called, written, emailed, Facebook messaged, etc.. since the text she sent after she got out of court that day once it was finalized. I’ve not received any contact from any of her family or friends even months prior to that. Just lost everything from this big part of my life that I loved so much in an instant. And I’m either too weak or ignorant to express how I feel or what I’m going through with the people I do still have in my life. Even if I could articulate it not sure I could expect much from them anyway. I’m a damaged person who comes from damaged people. It’s no surprise that she didn’t want me ...

What a fucking day. Only two more days of work until the 4-day weekend that is full of other shit to have do other than the resting I’d prefer to be doing. I wish this job would’ve turned out to be a better place to work because everyday I’m more and more certain that I don’t want to be here very long, but I also loathe the idea of loookg for work again. And I’ve not done the whole the “find a new job before you leave the one you have” before so I’m not sure how to start working on that, but I’ve got to wait a few months before I can seriously start down that road. I listen to a local sports talk radio show most days on my long, drugerous, after work commute. I know that makes me sound boring and stereotypical, but I fucking like sports and I don’t really have friends anymore, much less friends that I can talk about sports with so l I live vicariously through the radio show. On today’s show the hosts were on the off-sports topic of bad dates because one of the producers had been ...

Tomorrow I begin week 4 at my new job and I have a serious case of Sunday blues. Not wanting to go to work tomorrow. That didn't take long. Maybe I’m overly sensitive because I have been sick for almost a week and feel like crap still. At a time when I was being very active and had new things going on. Can’t just sit still and rest like I need to. But I’ve already let some friends know that if they hear of or find out about any job openings that would suit me to please let me know. While I was very happy to finally find steady work and have a means to support myself again and feel confident in myself, it hasn’t felt like a place I want to be long-term. I by no means would consider leaving this job before I had something else lined up. I have been burned too many times by doing that in the past. This place isn’t right for me, but I can handle working there in the interim.  The things I don’t like about the job: there is just so much complaining and finger-pointing plus a gene...

The recent revelations about Louis CK and Kevin Spacey have again reminded me to trust my gut. To trust the instinct I have buried deep with in myself, but mostly temper. While I have certainly been a fan of the work of both men, something about each of them has always disturbed me. It has happened with other celebrities and with people that I’ve known or met in my life and rarely have I ever been proven wrong for having that feeling. I have suspected that it stems from having experienced sexual abuse and trauma at the hands of two adult men when I was a child. A latent defense mechanism. My abusers were a blood relative and the other a family friend & neighbor. The abuse - or rather as I have recently come to feel it best described as “torture” - was ongoing and separate from each other. Both men were eventually found out and arrested and jailed for abuses against underage girls, but the world never knew about their transgressions toward me, toward my younger brother, and I’m su...

Already finishing up my third week at work. Feel pretty comfortable in my job & duties but still haven’t actually met everyone in the office yet or had much interaction with co-workers outside the three in my department. It’s been difficult fighting this cold or whatever it is I’ve had since Tuesday afternoon. My throat is still so sore. I have a pretty high threshold for pain, but it’s been bad. I have to talk all day long at work. And while I do work in a medical office I don’t have any sort of relationship with any of the providers yet, so I don’t feel comfortable asking for a quick evaluation. They have a rule about employees not being patients of the doctor’s in the office, at least as primary care physicians, it’s okay to be seen for acute issues like this. But I’m not on my company insurance yet and have no idea if they charge employees for visits. Some places I’ve worked at before have charged you at a discounted rate and others have waived all fees before. I’ve only been p...