After Burn

On Friday I was offered and accepted a new job with a medical clinic in downtown Austin. They are even going to pay me more than what I was asking for, which is always great. I start working & training on Monday morning. I am very excited and relieved by this development. Immediately makes me feel more like a real, adult human being again. The plan is to just keep living like I have been while out of work which means living on next to nothing money wise, at least for the first few months so I can put most of money toward aggressively paying down what debt I have. Then I can move on to saving for/buying a car and looking for my own place to live again. Baby steps for sure. Won't happen overnight, but I am finally fucking able to take a step instead of retreating backwards. Going to have a heckuva commute for a while but that just means I can listen to podcasts while stuck in traffic on the way to and coming home from work. I don't have much anxiety about adjusting to the ...

A few hours ago I was awoken from a dream that I would have preferred not to be disturbed from. Couldn’t get back to sleep. But maybe sorta came to realization about myself that if I stay true to could make me quite happy in the long run, I dunno. While I still feel human and not diseased like I spent most of yesterday feeling like I should try to get a workout in. I have given myself the rest of October to eat like crap without much guilt but on November 1st it is back to a coordinated healthy eating schedule. Until then I should keep up a regular workout routine. I hope to get a physical exam done by year’s end and don’t want to overwhelm the doctor’s with both poor mental and physical health. 

Feeling under the weather this evening, but entertained myself from bed during a period of alert awake-ness by doing this astrology charting found at this site:  http://www.astro.com/cgi/atxgen.cgi?btyp=apx My results: Sun in Aries, Moon in Libra *Ascendant in Virgo, Mercury in the Seventh House *Moon in the First House *Saturn in the Second House *Venus in the Sixth House *Sun in the Seventh House The deeper explanation of all that actually hit on more than few accurate things. I’ll bold areas that resonate with me strongly as being very accurate, while other parts are certainly things I strive toward accomplishing. Sun in Aries, Moon in Libra You were born with the Sun in Aries and the Moon in Libra. Your individuality is influenced by Aries, which gives you qualities of leadership, creativity, and enterprise, but your personality traits, which come under the influence of Libra, are the opposite of the Arian traits. Your image is that of a socially-minded, temperate pe...

Job interview went well. Seemed to take the employment gap explanation well. Didn’t ask me too many questions or give me a bunch of specific scenarios asking how I’d handle them. Actually showed me around the office and introduced to me people, which I think is a gig sign. Told me they would make a decision quickly, tomorrow or by Monday. So we’ll see. The building this office is located in has only medical businesses and just happens to be next door to and even sharing a parking lot with the hospital I was born in.

I got a phone call about setting a job interview at 4:45 PM this afternoon. I was in the shower, so I couldn’t answer it and by the time I heard the voicemail and called back they were already gone for the day. Were they testing me or did they just not realizing making a call like that so late in the day would be fucking nerve-racking for someone desperate for employment like me. At least now I know what I’ll be doing at 8:01 AM tomorrow. 

H: You think you know everything. N: I know people change and grow. H: They definitely change. But you just have to hope they grow, too. I used to get some of my best writing done on small notepad that I took with me to a greasy spoon tupe diner. This was years ago before smart phones. I’d eat and drink alone and write in flurries. Dessert. Write. A cup of tea or coffee. Write. I rarely ever eat out anymore much less alone. And now I’ll use my phone to type away bits and pieces of something if I get inspired while out and about. But it’s not the same as scribbling away on a piece of paper.

 " I had made myself as vulnerable as I've ever been toward the end of my marriage and it still ended and I was left in a very disadvantageous situation comparatively. I'm literally living with my parents again, trying to start over.." "It's hard and humbling, but I know that what came before, what I wish I could go back to was not working, so I have no choice but to move forward somehow.." "Going back to her was never an option for me, as much as I obsessed over it initially. And I had to sort through the ways I was angry at her and angry at myself for ending up where I did." "I don't find myself feeling angry much anymore, at least not toward the past. Try to funnel my anger to present in order help me as I move beyond." "The loneliness is the worst kind of loneliness I've experienced before. I will say that. I have a lot of family around me, and friends. And they are good people for the most part but they didn...

A job I interviewed for back in the Spring has the same job opening available again. My interview with them previously had gone very well, had a follow-up interview to meet other employees, and I was told that a offer was likely, then they just ghosted me. It’s a good opportunity. And in a great location, in the neighborhood in South Austin where I want to move back to. So of course I sent them my resume again and composed a humble not at all passive aggressive email to the manager hoping they would reconsider me. Also the world is awful and men are horrible and I can't wait for this horror show a Trump presidency to be over.

I’ve been asked to be in a stage production of an adaptation of the John Steinbeck novel “Of Mice & Men” early in 2018. I was a pretty big Steinbeck fan in high school. Especially loved “East of Eden” and “Grapes of Wrath”. Haven’t read or seen a film version for “Of Mice & Men” in very long time, but part of this offer for this show was that I could choose any role I wanted except Lenny as it was already cast, and that wouldn’t have been a good fit for me anyway. Not that I’m a fan of picking roles for myself in any event. Haven’t committted to the show yet because I wanted to read the script and see if I get a job offer. I read the script tonight. It’s a quick read. But depressing. And not just because of the ending. Revisiting the material now I can see the obvious imagery of how oppresssive postwar rural America was for anyone that is poor, learning or developmentally disabled, a woman, or a person of color. Granted it doesn’t delve too deep into such issues, but that i...